22-23072013
I have mastered the suppression of my
own emotions to such an extent that I become blind to them. There's
been something bottling up in me for a while now, and when this
experience was triggered in me today once more I realized that there
is something way wrong, that I am headed towards a falling point like
a car directed towards the edge of a cliff. I realized that I need to
stop and face myself, because I knew that if I kept on going I would
end up bringing about my own destruction. The problem was, I had no
idea what I was experiencing.
I knew I had to be alone to reach the
required level of self-intimacy, so I shut myself in the guestroom
I'm sleeping in, turned the lights off, wrapped myself in blankets
and hugged a hot water bottle. Here I started to ask myself
questions. The problem was, my answers would always digress. I would
start blaming others and forgetting that I too had responsibility to
carry; I would see clues and hints were there weren't any; I would go
through different scenarios in my mind as if they were already
happening and forget that all of them were possible only through my
interpretation of my perception – which is not the equivalent of
truth. After following these traces in my mind for a while I realized
that I was on the wrong track, that I was making no progress but only
making things worse. So I returned to the most prominent experience I
had had and started putting it into words. What exactly did I
experience? What was my reaction? What was the trigger? Why did I
experience this? And underneath this I found the core fear, the
worst-case scenario I had been fearful to voice, and when I put it
into words and found a way to express it I broke into tears because I
was finally in touch with myself again, I was being honest with
myself, I knew who I was. But it required a tool of expression,
language, and the mental tools to get through the layers of shit I had been piling up.
When I was sitting there crying wrapped
in blankets, wearing oversized garments and holding a hot water
bottle I thought that I must look like a child and I felt ashamed. I
was ashamed for feeling the things I felt. I thought that I should be
more than that. I was comparing myself to other people whom I
perceived to be much more “adult” than myself because apparently
they don't get insecure like this and their lives are all fine and
stable. I thought that my problems are like children's problems,
ridiculous and immature. And so I realized that a key element in my
emotion suppression is shame: for some reason I have learned that
emotions/feelings should not be shared, maybe because they should not
exist in the first place, maybe because expressing them leaves me
vulnerable. I noticed this exact pattern with positive feelings just
a couple of days ago when a child I had gotten to know was expressing
his affection towards me and I hesitated in responding even though I
wanted to. I thought of it as an expression of weakness. Luckily the
child did not see it that way, and in his actions I saw that it was
in fact a strength, because him expressing his feelings was an act of
self-honesty. I intend to learn of his example.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to feel ashamed of my emotions and feelings.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to feel ashamed of my inner experiences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to suppress my feelings, emotions and other inner
experiences because I have wanted to hide them and not admit that
they exist.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to pretend that my emotions and feelings don't
exist when I suppress them - and I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to believe my own deception.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to see emotions and feelings as a weakness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that experiencing
feelings/emotions reduces my worth – makes me a less of a person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that even though emotions and
feelings are a sign of mind patterns I have not transcended yet, they
are an inevitable part of the process and cannot be bypassed no
matter how much I would like to “be there already” - which may or
may not be a state of transcendence that is ever achievable in this
life (I won't know until I die).
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to perceive and believe emotions/feelings to be a
sign of weakness instead of realizing that they are a manifestation
of who I am within that moment, and that to express who I am is to
live as self-honesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to react to emotions/feelings with fear as I
remember the mind pattern [emotion/feeling = negative] - and I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to respond to
my reaction by suppressing these emotions/feelings because I fear
that letting them out would only have negative consequences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that expressing myself
will result in negative consequences for me.
--
I know that this has begun somewhere
early in my childhood. I have been an introvert child for as long as
anyone can remember: I have asked my parents and siblings about this,
and according to them I have always “kept to myself”, which
everyone thought to be normal because of the belief that some people
“just are born” introverts and some extroverts. I realize that
this is a pattern I have picked up from my parents, different aspects
from both of them, and integrated their issues into a manifestation
of insecurity. I have lived as the crystallization of my parents'
issues.
--
[Here I did detailed SF on my parents in private,
which I will continue with and expand on.]
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not see, realize nor understand that every
action of self-suppression that I commit supports this pattern of
suppressing my emotions/feelings, and that thus in order to overcome
the issue with emotional expression I need to tackle every single
moment of self-suppression – which means that the process ahead is
going to be demanding and thus require my full attention. (No
half-assing!)
I commit myself to from now onwards
focus on the point of self-suppression in my writings and lived
process in order to map out and comprehend how it manifests in
different ways and different situations.
I commit myself to for now focus on the
point of self-suppression – which directly affects all of my social
relations - as my biggest challenge at the moment is to get the
social aspect of my life into a balanced state where I could actually
utilize relations with others to support and assist me instead of
using them to abuse myself and others.
I commit myself to open up the father
and mother insecurity patterns with self-forgiveness in private and
to share in public whatever I can, if anything at all.
When and as I see myself reacting to an
emotion / a feeling with fear and suppression – with the physical
sensation as if I am closing the mouth of a bottle (head area) and
pushing the emotional energy down towards my solar plexus – I stop,
I breathe and I realize that I am rejecting myself and refusing to
look at who I am, and that the emotion/feeling that was trying to
surface was an expression of who I truly am within that moment. I
realize I am doing this out of FEAR. I remind myself that
emotions/feelings are in fact not a negative thing and that it is
better for me to express them so that I am at least honest with
myself. I realize that the expression of emotions/feelings can be
utilized for self-reflection as when I express myself I have a chance
to observe myself and learn of myself. I realize that whatever
emotion/feeling I express I am able to forgive myself and that I
should thus not be afraid to express any emotion/feeling. I stabilize
myself in breath and I utilize breath to release the tension and
suppression from my physical body. I look at myself in self-honesty
by asking questions in order to figure out what
emotion/feeling/experience I was suppressing and why I was afraid to
express it. I structure my experience into self-forgiveness
statements either in speech or writing and continue with it until the
experience dissolves.
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