24-26072013
I'm continuing with perspectives on
self-suppression and self-expression. Today I noticed a habit of
suppressing my curiosity about a stranger (i.e. an urge to look at
someone just to see who's there) because something about the stranger
seems intimidating. This usually happens with young men whom I do not
want to mistake my curiosity for romantic/sexual interest. I noticed
this habit especially in Vanuatu where all the passerby's would greet
me and I would happily greet back – except for the groups of young
men. According to my perception the young men there either called out
all kinds of woos and pretty words to attract the white trophy woman,
or they ignored you completely because women are not considered equal
to men. So I decided to not even try to communicate with the young
men as normal human beings but saw them as beasts with foul
intentions and turned away. I realize that by doing so I never even
gave them (or myself) a fair chance.
Today I was sitting in a train and
reading a book when two men speaking something that I think was
spanish or portuguese sat across from me. I got curious about them
and wanted to look at them just to see what kind of people they were,
but I associated the language with some macho stereotypes and
suddenly got scared that if I looked directly at them they would
change from normal human beings (which, as indicated by their
discussion, they probably were) into macho machissimo men beasts who
would start to hit on me and not leave me alone. I feel ridiculous
saying that out loud, because I realize it's all in my imagination.
And so what if someone I paid attention
to did take it as a chance to pursuit their desires through me? I am
not powerless to direct such a situation so that nothing happens,
but apparently I see myself as such. Maybe because I never give
myself a chance to try.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to see (young) men as sex-hungry psychopaths who
would do everything in their power to have sex with a woman they
randomly pick out as a target, and that they would not care about
consent, ignore all refusals (both the kind “no thank you's” and
the blunt “get lost's”) and use manipulation and pressure to get
what they want – not realizing that even though this has happened
to me many times it does not mean that every single (young) man is
like this, and that I forget all the times I have been treated as an
equal because of the few times I have been treated as an object.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not consider what drives a person to act in the
way I described above, and rather simplify it into a stereotype of
“young horny men” which allows me to blame men for the
dysfunctional interaction and abdicate my own responsibility over it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself in these situations to not consider that when a
person is driven by desire it is motivated by a fear and to then look
for the fear that is present in the other.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear desireful men (with that specific yearning
in their eyes and body language) because when I am the target of
their desire I fear getting devoured. (This also applies to cases
where I am a willing participant.)
--
There is something I have been
pondering lately: why does masculinity attract me? Why am I not
attracted to feminine people but instead to those who somehow
manifest masculinity? I am increasingly aware of the way men (and
some women) just ooze this sense of power, like the whole build of a
male body is just designed to show off that powerfulness and
strength. And all the while I find it extremely attractive I am also
frightened by it, because I have seen and felt how it can be abused.
Desire and fear, fear and desire, going around and around and around.
--
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear men as a manifestation of masculinity
because I fear the qualities of masculinity will be used against me
as they have been used against women for a major portion of the human
existence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that in order for humanity to rise
from this state of gender inequality it does not only require for men
to stop abuse (which they in very large numbers already have) but
also for women to stop expecting men to abuse.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that what women can do to assist
the situation towards equality is not to revolt and blame men and
call for superiority in the name of unfairness – but to show
courage in forgiving ourselves for not assisting men to see why they
abuse their masculinity (just as much as women abuse their
femininity) and how it could be directed and harnessed for actions
that serve that which is the best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to abuse femininity because I have perceived and
believed it to be my “only weapon” against masculine power abuse.
(Note to self: I just did this today in the face on male dominance –
made myself small and meek when another was dominating a situation.)
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not harness myself as a literal embodiment of
femininity into using my feminine qualities for actions that bring
about a world that is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to use my masculine traits to try and get up to
“men's level” - to try and balance out inequality by raising
myself up to the superior caste, not realizing that this only upholds
the gender separation.
--
Okay. Now to apply this to the moment
of self-suppression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to associate (young) men with my perception of
(young) men – the “abusive male” stereotype – and to thus,
upon seeing (young) men, draw up that association/stereotype from my
mind and react to that mind image with fear as if it was true, not
realizing that the mind image is not real in any way whatsoever but a
compilation of assumptions, memories and beliefs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to be directed by a fear towards an image in my
mind as I have not seen, realized and understood that this image is
not real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to stop breathing when I react to this mind image
with fear, not realizing that as I stop breathing I lock myself into
the mind and into the fear as I lose my grounding in this physical
reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself, when and as I have stopped breathing upon
reacting to this mind image with fear, to not realize that I can
simply start breathing again and thus release myself from the fear as
I return from the mind into the physical through this act of
grounding.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself, when and as I have been locked into this state of
fear and not breathing, to be directed into avoiding to look at
another, secretly trying to look at another, turning my head away
from another, ignoring the look of another, pretending that I am not
curious about another and not initiating any sort of contact with
another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself, when and as I have locked myself into this state
of fear and directed myself into the actions described above, to
justify my actions by thinking: “I don't have to know every person
on Earth”, “it doesn't matter if I don't make contact with this
person”, “I don't have time for a proper discussion”, “why
bother if it's just for two minutes”, “I will never meet them
again anyway”, “they look like they're not my kind of people
anyway”, et cetera – not realizing that every single one of these
thoughts is utter bullshit based on fear and separation and not valid
reasons in any way whatsoever.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to direct myself into believing my own lies as I
have lived within this loop of believing a mind image and then
building up a whole conceptual reality around my fear to have it make
sense – which I then use again in another situation to repeat this
loop ad infinitum – not stopping to realize that the key to ending
all this is the initial point of reaction which I accept and allow to
pass by unnoticed, unquestioned, unsolved.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to suppress my social curiosity about the people I
share this reality with under a fear that is not based on the
reality, as even though many men have done many harmful deeds,
underneath that lies a universe of humanity in which simple
comprehendible things accumulate to incomprehendible actions; My fear
that “all men want to harm me” does not consider the process a
person has to go through to want to harm another being and therefore
it is not based on the reality.
When and as I see myself reacting to
(young) men with fear - my breath getting shallow, muscles getting
tense, head lowering and shoulders rising up and forward – I stop,
I breathe and I realize I am reacting to who I believe them to be,
not to who they actually are. I realize that my pre-decided
perception/belief does not and cannot take into consideration what
these people in my field of experience are actually going through
within themselves. I realize that by looking at these people through
my perception/belief I never give them a chance to live as the best
they can be as by expecting them to live as the worst they can be I
support them to be just that. I remind myself that every single human
being is born as a “clean slate” (apart from what a child learns
during pregnancy) and that in most people this platform of
self-honest and sincere communication is accessible through kindness,
friendliness, honesty and good will. I return myself to breath. If
the fear of initiating contact with another lingers, I utilize
self-forgiveness to verbalize my experience and then let it go. I ask
myself what I would like to do – how is it I would like to express
myself – and I push through any remaining resistance and do it. If
hesitation remains, I remind myself that it's OK to make mistakes
because they are nothing personal but lessons to learn from.
I commit myself to utilize the
self-corrective statement above in any and all situations where my
fear of (young) men is triggered as far as I am able to remember.
I commit myself to practice breathing
(returning myself to self-aware breathing whenever I notice myself
having fallen away from it) within and as the realization that if I
am stable within breathing when and as the fear of (young) men is
triggered, it is much easier for me to notice and then transcend.
I commit myself to challenge myself to
“take risks” - to initiate contact with those I fear just to see
what happens – as I see, realize and understand that growth only
occurs outside of my comfort zone.
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