Days 247-248: SF on "doing nothing"

3105-01062013

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my current living to the way I lived in my previous circumstances, perceiving and believing myself to be “doing nothing” as compared to what I have done before, not realizing that my past and my present are not comparable because I am not the same person now that I was in the past, which makes the most favourable course of action / way of living subject to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the way I have lived my life in my previous circumstances because my previous way of living has made me feel like I'm “doing enough” or “doing my best”, not realizing that my past way of living has been largely self-compromise in terms of what I have been doing and how, and that it has been motivated by fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have felt that I have been “doing enough” only when I have compromised my well-being, in other words, when I have accepted and allowed my fear of failure to consume me to a point where I have worked at the expense of every other aspect of my life, not realizing that this way of living is not sustainable as I seek for stability in an ideal that cannot be achieved – and that my feeling of “having done enough” has thus been based on self-deception and cannot be trusted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the worth of my life is determined by the deeds I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am not the deeds I do but the motivation that moves me to do them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to plan my return to my previous living circumstances according to who I was before I left, not giving myself the chance to even consider reconstructing myself and my life based on who I become as I travel and find a new perspective on what I have been doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an ideal scenario of my return, where I would come back to my previous responsibilities and duties as an “enlightened” being who would then live out my previous circumstances “perfectly” without making mistakes – not realizing that here I deny myself the chance to reconstruct myself and my life as I hold on to what's familiar and comfortable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to re-live my past circumstances by repeating the same things over and over again because I have not forgiven myself for my mistakes and would like to live a “perfect” life – not realizing that as I hold onto the past I ignore the present, and that life is too short to re-live every past moment into a flawless one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grow attached to my living circumstances so that I had to relocate myself to the other side of the globe to be able to de-attach myself from them and question them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget the possibilities of life as I have grown attached to my routines, lifestyle and worldview.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grow attached to my routines, lifestyle and worldview because they have brought me a sense of stability and comfort.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe it to be “worthless” to travel and not work while traveling, naming this “doing nothing”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for not working when I travel because I perceive and believe only “real work” to contribute anything to the society, not realizing that as I travel I gift myself with time and opportunities to study, learn and focus on self-reflection – all things that will assist and support me to “give back” to the society as they change who I am within my actions which affects the outcome of my actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that only working on something concrete, long-term and instantly visible contributes to the society, not realizing that a lot of “invisible” work is to be done before I am able to see what the best course of action would be and who I need to be within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for focusing on myself as I have perceived and believed this to be “selfish”, not realizing that if I do not focus on working on myself I will remain as a fuck-up and would only damage the reality around me as a consequence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe it to be a “waste of time” to focus on myself when a lot of problems wait to be solved, not realizing that I cannot contribute to the solution of these problems when I am still a part of the “disease” that causes and upholds the problems in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is necessary to take time for myself to sort myself out in order to actually be of assistance in solving the problems that are present in this reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be restless and impatient because I have wanted to be “ready” to act and be of assistance in solving the problems of the world, not realizing that I am still of very little use because there are a lot of points that I need to sort out in myself before I can participate – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that working on these points within myself is in itself an act of assistance and participation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the arrogance in believing myself to be “ready” to take action while I ignore the issues within myself that I have not dealt with yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live as humility by assessing myself in self-honesty to see what I am actually capable of at the moment and what I need to work on to make progress.

I commit myself to continue working on the most prominent points I have been facing lately – instability, dependency and direction of life – by facing them in my practical living and writing them out when necessary.

I commit myself to explore the possibilities I have for directing my life – the things I do, live out, live within, work on, support and uphold – within and as the realization that I am not tied to places, people, possessions, contacts, surroundings or circumstances in any other than practical ways (for example I am tied to money because that is my access to the world's resources which I need to survive).

I commit myself, when and as I consider different possibilities for directing my life, to consider first and foremost what is best for all and to search for any and all points of self-interest with absolute self-honesty.

I commit myself to show mercy on myself by giving myself time to work on myself by not accepting and allowing guilt, fear and the sense of duty to move me while I travel; I see, realize and understand that this is what has moved me before and that this is not a sustainable source of motivation for a life lived in favor of the well-being of all because I am a part of all and suffer while I move myself by force.

I commit myself to face the moments when I think I “should be doing something” by stopping, breathing and realizing that by allowing this thought to move me I move myself by force because it is not necessity and common sense that is moving me.

I commit myself to continue studying the life of the people around me in these different cultures I live within as I travel as this has felt natural, enjoyable and enriching to me – in other words, by being present in each and every moment this act of studying and learning happens without conscious effort as an outflow of being HERE.