tiistai 27. marraskuuta 2012

Day 67: Guilt, work and duty - part 2


26-27112012

From part 1: "I have just started an improvisation group with some friends and new friends. We had just had our first meeting and it had gone very well, but as I was on my way home I was struck by guilt. “How can you be doing something as useless as this when there's actual work to be done?”

As I started to write more specifically about what I was experiencing, I noticed that what it came down to was my relationship to work, leisure and responsibility, and also how I had viewed my father as a child – I was feeling guilty for doing something “useless”. I will now go through some dimensions of these issues."


-- Eager for responsibilities --

For some reason the word “responsibility” really resonates with me. I am willing to carry responsibility and often volunteer for it. But is it just me trying to compensate for my “smallness” (my perception of myself as “less than” others)?

In the past I have often volunteered to take on responsibilities, because I have been very interested in a many things, wanted to try everything, wanted to do a lot and get things moving and done. This desire to “do it all” as I have been unable to decide on what I want to do the most has resulted in me taking on more responsibilities than I can carry, which has been because I have not assessed my capacity realistically or honestly, and thus I have experienced a burn-out more than once because I have not really looked into what is causing it – I have realized I am perhaps taking on “too much”, but I went through this loop many times before I found my limits – and now I'm starting to figure out how to push my limits further, which is quite fascinating, but man do I need to be careful not to go overboard.

I have always been very curious about life, and during times when I haven't been completely collapsed under my self-abuse, I have been really excited about life and the world and all that there is to do and try and see – the playfulness of human nature has been very present, and thanks to theatre I never completely quit playing, even though it moved from being an overall state of being to something that was only allowed within a limited space – nevertheless I participated in playing, exploring and moving and didn't forget what it is to be in that state.

So I can see how this curiosity and playfulness is a motivator as I take on responsibilities – but there is also the other dimension I need to face, which is the attempt to “be enough” by doing a lot – and also the dimension of “trying to experience it all” by doing everything at once, which is just another energy possession.

Sometimes as I take on responsibilities I do it because I perceive them to make me “more”. There have been situations where I have been asked to do something, and I have interpreted that request to be a statement that says that “I'm apparently good at what this person is asking me to do”, which becomes a point of self-definition and also self-evaluation – I give myself a definition and a value based on the request (feedback) of another. I then gladly take on this responsibility because I see it as an opportunity to “shine” (= show everyone who I am as the self-created definition and value). Thus I get to live out my illusion of being “more” which is based on my definition/evaluation of myself.

Sometimes I take on responsibilities in order to prove my value. This is when I see myself as “less than” others and take on a lot of responsibilities in order to receive the feedback that would give me a chance to define and evaluate myself as “enough”. This is when I compare myself to others and create myself the definition of “less than” and a low value. Then I request for responsibilities in order to prove everyone (myself) I am not my definition and evaluation of myself – and end up living them out as my starting point for action is fear and I manifest that which I fear. Interesting to see how these two points form a pair – a polarity.

So, concerning the “thirst for life” as hoarding experiences to live it all – this is something I don't yet have a clear view on. I'll have to return to it in more specific writing once it's clarified a bit.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on responsibilities from an unclear starting point, not realizing that as I do this I cause more harm than good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on an assignment I am asked to do without a second thought because it makes me feel good about myself instead of stopping to assess my capacity, resources and skills concerning the assignment and thus considering whether or not it is best for all that I'm the one to commit to this specific assignment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify taking on assignments I cannot complete with the belief that I wouldn't have been asked to do it if I wasn't able to do it, secretly feeling good about the recognition, not realizing that the one asking me to take on the assignment does not see my entire capacity, and that it is thus my responsibility to assess whether I can actually complete the assignment or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the feedback of others, meaning the feedback I give myself through others - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hear and interpret the feedback of another to be “praising” and make that into a defining point of “who I am”, and then look for chances to express that which I have defined myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assign myself a value that is “more” based on my interpretation of the feedback of others and then look for ways to live as “more than” others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my interpretation of the feedback of others, not realizing the process of interpreting happens in the mind and that seen through the mind the reality is no longer real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my illusion of “being more” is “who I am” when in fact I have just been fantasizing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the perceived lack of positive feedback by being afraid that I am no longer “good enough” or “worthy”, thus attempting to do that which I perceive to make me “good enough” or “worthy”, which is to work a lot.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assign myself a value based on the amount of work I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret the lack of positive feedback to mean there is something wrong with me or “missing” from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the feedback of others into a stability point without which I feel like I am “incomplete”, thus creating a dependency on the company of others because I believe I “need” the feedback to know who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to achieve the feedback of others by doing a lot of things that have previously got me feedback.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that ultimately I am always my own source of feedback as I decide what I hear in the feedback of another, and that as I am able to give myself feedback with or without others, my dependency on the feedback of others is thus not valid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build my self-image through my interpretation of others' perception of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on so many assignments that I have gone sick with exhaustion, as my fear of not getting feedback (not being complete) and my want/need/desire to get feedback (be complete) have accumulated to a breaking-point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop my self-abuse until after time looping several times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I manifested that which I feared (not being enough) by taking on so many or such big assignments I couldn't finish them properly.



I commit myself, when and as I am asked to take on an assignment / a task / a responsibility, to stop, breathe and honestly assess my own capacity to commit to it before making a decision.

When and as I notice a movement within me that indicates my willingness to volunteer to take on an assignment / a task / a responsibility, I commit myself to stop, breathe and honestly assess my own capacity to commit to it before bringing forth my suggestion – and when and as I see that my capacity is not enough for the task to be completed, I commit myself to investigate where the willingness actually comes from in order to see if I am moved by a want/need/desire.

I commit myself to consider my life as a whole when considering taking on new responsibilities, as I now see, realize and understand that my capacity is limited and that I need to know how much I can do in long-term.

I commit myself to always consider my physical needs when considering taking on new responsibilities and letting go of old ones.

I commit myself to realize my value is not defined by the things I do, but that my value is actually inherent and one and equal to all.

I commit myself to investigate how I define myself and my value through my actions.

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