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From part 1: "I have just started an improvisation
group with some friends and new friends. We had just had our first
meeting and it had gone very well, but as I was on my way home I was
struck by guilt. “How can you be doing something as useless as this
when there's actual work to be done?”
As I started to write more specifically
about what I was experiencing, I noticed that what it came down to
was my relationship to work, leisure and responsibility, and also how
I had viewed my father as a child – I was feeling guilty for doing
something “useless”. I will now go through some dimensions of
these issues."
- Eager for responsibilities
- What is “enough”
-- Eager for responsibilities --
For some reason the word
“responsibility” really resonates with me. I am willing to carry
responsibility and often volunteer for it. But is it just me trying
to compensate for my “smallness” (my perception of myself as
“less than” others)?
In the past I have often volunteered to
take on responsibilities, because I have been very interested in a
many things, wanted to try everything, wanted to do a lot and get
things moving and done. This desire to “do it all” as I have been
unable to decide on what I want to do the most has resulted in me
taking on more responsibilities than I can carry, which has been
because I have not assessed my capacity realistically or honestly,
and thus I have experienced a burn-out more than once because I have
not really looked into what is causing it – I have realized I am
perhaps taking on “too much”, but I went through this loop many
times before I found my limits – and now I'm starting to figure out
how to push my limits further, which is quite fascinating, but man do
I need to be careful not to go overboard.
I have always been very curious about
life, and during times when I haven't been completely collapsed under
my self-abuse, I have been really excited about life and the world
and all that there is to do and try and see – the playfulness of
human nature has been very present, and thanks to theatre I never
completely quit playing, even though it moved from being an overall
state of being to something that was only allowed within a limited
space – nevertheless I participated in playing, exploring and
moving and didn't forget what it is to be in that state.
So I can see how this curiosity and
playfulness is a motivator as I take on responsibilities – but
there is also the other dimension I need to face, which is the
attempt to “be enough” by doing a lot – and also the dimension
of “trying to experience it all” by doing everything at once,
which is just another energy possession.
Sometimes as I take on responsibilities
I do it because I perceive them to make me “more”. There have
been situations where I have been asked to do something, and I have
interpreted that request to be a statement that says that “I'm
apparently good at what this person is asking me to do”, which
becomes a point of self-definition and also self-evaluation – I
give myself a definition and a value based on the request (feedback)
of another. I then gladly take on this responsibility because I see
it as an opportunity to “shine” (= show everyone who I am as the
self-created definition and value). Thus I get to live out my
illusion of being “more” which is based on my
definition/evaluation of myself.
Sometimes I take on responsibilities in
order to prove my value. This is when I see myself as “less than”
others and take on a lot of responsibilities in order to receive the
feedback that would give me a chance to define and evaluate myself as
“enough”. This is when I compare myself to others and create
myself the definition of “less than” and a low value. Then I
request for responsibilities in order to prove everyone (myself) I am
not my definition and evaluation of myself – and end up living them
out as my starting point for action is fear and I manifest that which
I fear. Interesting to see how these two points form a pair – a
polarity.
So, concerning the “thirst for life”
as hoarding experiences to live it all – this is something I don't
yet have a clear view on. I'll have to return to it in more specific writing once it's clarified a bit.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to take on responsibilities from an unclear
starting point, not realizing that as I do this I cause more harm
than good.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to take on an assignment I am asked to do without
a second thought because it makes me feel good about myself instead
of stopping to assess my capacity, resources and skills concerning
the assignment and thus considering whether or not it is best for all
that I'm the one to commit to this specific assignment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to justify taking on assignments I cannot complete
with the belief that I wouldn't have been asked to do it if I wasn't
able to do it, secretly feeling good about the recognition, not
realizing that the one asking me to take on the assignment does not
see my entire capacity, and that it is thus my responsibility to
assess whether I can actually complete the assignment or not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to define myself according to the feedback of
others, meaning the feedback I give myself through others - I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hear and interpret
the feedback of another to be “praising” and make that into a
defining point of “who I am”, and then look for chances to
express that which I have defined myself to be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to assign myself a value that is “more” based
on my interpretation of the feedback of others and then look for ways
to live as “more than” others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe my interpretation of the feedback of
others, not realizing the process of interpreting happens in the mind
and that seen through the mind the reality is no longer real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe my illusion of “being more” is “who
I am” when in fact I have just been fantasizing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to react to the perceived lack of positive
feedback by being afraid that I am no longer “good enough” or
“worthy”, thus attempting to do that which I perceive to make me
“good enough” or “worthy”, which is to work a lot.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to assign myself a value based on the amount of
work I do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to interpret the lack of positive feedback to mean
there is something wrong with me or “missing” from me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to create the feedback of others into a stability
point without which I feel like I am “incomplete”, thus creating
a dependency on the company of others because I believe I “need”
the feedback to know who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to try to achieve the feedback of others by doing
a lot of things that have previously got me feedback.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that ultimately I am always my own
source of feedback as I decide what I hear in the feedback of
another, and that as I am able to give myself feedback with or
without others, my dependency on the feedback of others is thus not
valid.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to build my self-image through my interpretation
of others' perception of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to take on so many assignments that I have gone
sick with exhaustion, as my fear of not getting feedback (not being
complete) and my want/need/desire to get feedback (be complete) have
accumulated to a breaking-point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not stop my self-abuse until after time looping
several times.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize how I manifested that which I
feared (not being enough) by taking on so many or such big
assignments I couldn't finish them properly.
I commit myself, when and as I am asked
to take on an assignment / a task / a responsibility, to stop,
breathe and honestly assess my own capacity to commit to it before
making a decision.
When and as I notice a movement within
me that indicates my willingness to volunteer to take on an
assignment / a task / a responsibility, I commit myself to stop,
breathe and honestly assess my own capacity to commit to it before
bringing forth my suggestion – and when and as I see that my
capacity is not enough for the task to be completed, I commit myself
to investigate where the willingness actually comes from in order to
see if I am moved by a want/need/desire.
I commit myself to consider my life as
a whole when considering taking on new responsibilities, as I now
see, realize and understand that my capacity is limited and that I
need to know how much I can do in long-term.
I commit myself to always consider my
physical needs when considering taking on new responsibilities and
letting go of old ones.
I commit myself to realize my value is
not defined by the things I do, but that my value is actually
inherent and one and equal to all.
I commit myself to investigate how I
define myself and my value through my actions.
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