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I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not focus on the essential task of the
director, which is to bring the audience's point of view to the
actors, and instead believe all of the artistic planning and
processing is also my task and mine alone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize the artistic process can be shared
with all of the group according to the abilities of each.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not challenge the team by offering them more
responsibility and a chance to be involved in the process as a whole.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to want/need/desire all of the artistic process
for myself as I have perceived myself to be the best one to do it
because no one else seemed interested in doing it, not realizing I
never gave others a chance to show their interest as I claimed all
tasks for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe I am “more capable” than others
because I was interested and eager, not realizing I was evaluating
others based on my experience; Because my experience of interest and
eagerness felt so big to me and others weren't actively challenging
that, I believed myself to be the only one who was interested and
eager.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not offer the team enough chances to take
responsibility as I have been afraid of losing my superiority.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to offer chances to take responsibility (as I knew
that was something I was supposed to do) from the starting point of
fear, as I was afraid someone would stand up and take responsibility
and leave me with fewer chances to shine, not realizing that as I
made these offers from a starting point of dishonesty I actually
discouraged anyone to take up the offer as I presented it by speaking
within/as fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to refuse a team member's offers to take
responsibility for a certain task as I have wanted to keep that task
to myself, justifying it by saying “I'll do it, I've already
started, I have enough time for it, I've got a vision for it” etc,
not realizing I wasn't really concerned about the results but
actually just wanted to feed my ego by performing my tasks as well as
possible and receiving positive feedback.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the more responsibility I carry the more praise I'll get.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to reject the assistance of others as I have
wanted to do everything by myself so I could create my vision
perfectly and feel good about myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to want to build my solitary vision on stage
instead of creating something together with the team as I have not
realized what the art of theatre and drama actually is. (drama = 'do,
act', the art of action)
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize theatre is about living, moving,
breathing people acting as people, meeting as people, moving as
people and that the art of drama (action) is created with and through
the people on stage during the process, not within the head of the
director before anyone goes on stage.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe the purpose of theatre to be to produce
a show others can passively watch because that's the only kind of
theatre I have done so far, not realizing the process is what's
actually relevant as that is where the physical action is and that is
where something new is actually created in the physical, thus
limiting myself from utilizing the full potential of the group that
has been working with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe in and live as the director as an
authority, believing it was justified for me to have more power than
others, more knowledge than others and more responsibility than
others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe the director to be a more special task
than the other tasks in theatre.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself as a director to justify keeping information from
the team by believing some things (such as directing methods) need to
be kept a secret from the group in order for them to function as
puppets, not realizing I was actually keeping information to myself
to keep myself in a special position where knowing more made me more,
afraid the team would no longer respect me and my commands if they
knew all I knew.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself as a director to justify having more power than
others by believing decisions would never be made if everyone got to
influence them, not realizing I was afraid of losing control of the
project, which I wanted to be my solitary perfect masterpiece, and
enjoyed the position of power because I finally felt like I was in
control of something.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I enjoyed the position of power because it gave me the experience of being in control which I did not experience in my usual life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control the project completely, not realizing I was so “high” on the experience of being in control that I did not want to share it with anyone as I was afraid of losing it.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have been enjoying directing because it gave me a chance to simulate the experience I was lacking in my usual life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I have been escaping my experience of powerlessness into the staged situation and position of directing a play.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the power of a director is all imagined and mutually agreed on and that the power I experience is not actually real as anyone could at any moment simply stop being directed by me.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize power is not taken but given.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself as a director to justify carrying more
responsibility than others by believing it is a part of my task and
that I “have to” do it, not realizing I have been holding on to
all of the responsibility believing it to make me more than others
and that when I carry all that responsibility I will be respected and
appreciated.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to think I am overworked because of all the
responsibility I have agreed to carry, not realizing I was secretly
enjoying being stressed and overworked because the big workload gave
me the experience of “being worthy” as I then didn't feel as
meaningless as in my usual life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to complain about being overworked and stressed,
not realizing I was secretly enjoying being able to paint an image of
myself to myself and others where I was responsible, hard-working,
worthy and meaningful as I had a lot of tasks.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe I have to work and stress a lot to be
meaningful and live out the image of working hard.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe work and stress are inseparably
connected, not realizing one doesn't have to stress even though one
works “a lot”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe an actor is “crossing the line” if
they question my “vision”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe the “vision” of an artist is in a
“holy” position and should not be touched.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that as another questions my vision
and I react by ordering them back in line, I actually fear that my
vision is not good enough and I will be exposed as one who is
“unable” to direct properly (is not enough), as I was afraid to
face myself as a novice director who might not have all the answers.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not admit to myself that I knew nothing of
directing but insisted on the belief that I knew what I was doing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to retreat into my director persona whenever I
made a mistake because I did not want to face myself as someone who
makes mistakes.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe I have been directing as myself as I
have thought I “come to life” when I direct, not realizing it has
been the persona as energy that I have interpreted to be “myself”
as “life”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize I can be all the things that have
been constructive, positive and fun about the director character
(expressiveness, movement, getting things done, supporting and
assisting others) without the character if I stand within and as
myself as breath and self-honesty, knowing myself as I actually am.
I commit myself to investigate the
position of a director by standing within and as myself one and equal
to all members of the group as I now see and realize all authority
ceases to exist as I stop believing in it.
I commit myself to support and assist
myself to face the fears that I have been hiding from behind the
director persona in practice when and as I direct a group.
I commit myself to communicate my fears
concerning the directing situation with the group I direct.
I commit myself to realize there is
much I don't know about directing as I haven't done much of it yet,
and I commit myself, when I do not know or understand, to ask, study
and investigate.
I commit myself, when and as I go into
the director persona, to stop, breathe and observe what's happening
within my body as energy, and to remind myself this experience is
unnecessary and can be let go within and as breath.
I commit myself to study and
investigate the role of art and artists in this world we have created
in order to see what it actually serves and if it can be utilized for
that which is best for all.
--
As I now write I'm starting to realize
how the director persona became a manifestation of every point I was
not dealing with back when I started directing. It is a period of
time that's like a big black chunk of molten junk within my memory
that I know I need to start going through but can't figure out where
to begin, and writing out this piece of that era has started to open
it up a bit. I'll see where I get from here.
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