lauantai 1. joulukuuta 2012

Days 68-70: Guilt, work and duty - part 3



2811-01122012

From part 1: "I have just started an improvisation group with some friends and new friends. We had just had our first meeting and it had gone very well, but as I was on my way home I was struck by guilt. “How can you be doing something as useless as this when there's actual work to be done?”

As I started to write more specifically about what I was experiencing, I noticed that what it came down to was my relationship to work, leisure and responsibility, and also how I had viewed my father as a child – I was feeling guilty for doing something “useless”. I will now go through some dimensions of these issues."




-- No leisure time for me (what is fun?) --

I wrote about this in my DIP Lite assignment, here's an excerpt:

I realized the difference between "feeling relaxed" and simply not being physically tense.
The feeling of relaxation is what most people use as a motivator. If I do this and this and this, if I work hard enough and fast enough and suffer enough - then I'll be rewarded with [whatever gives one the sensation of relaxation]. So the focus is in the reward, and the relaxation is seen as just a pleasant side effect, even though the actual physical relaxation is what people are after. So it's a game of tensing and relaxing oneself no one questions, because the relaxation feels so good it's easy to forget about the suffering - and once you end up suffering again, you can always remember the last relaxing experience you had to make the suffering seem “worth it”.
I have started to feel more at ease with people as I've become more stable and consequently the way I enjoy spending time with people has changed . As I see how the people around me look for the feeling of relaxation at everyone else's expense, I know I cannot do that myself anymore, and so I end up feeling guilty for every bit of enjoyment I have, because I fear I'm "wasting my time" enjoying myself - looking for my value in constant working and perceiving relaxation to be "slacking off".
But as I know a human being needs rest, I give myself "permission" to relax every now and then. No muscle will stay healthy if in constant tension. The problem here is I still see relaxing as something "bad" and "extra" instead of it being an essential physical need and a part of my daily rhythm.
So I see the problem lies with me not yet having a grasp of what it is to balance myself between "work" and "leisure" - or what it is to dissolve those terms completely.
--

I have defined the word “fun” to mean “slacking off”. I have created connotations that connect the concept of “having fun” into memories, fantasies and other images in my mind that I have defined as “useless”, “unnecessary”, “lazy”, “doing nothing”, “wasting time” - mainly because for most of my life the way I have spent my leisure time has been (or has seemed to be) very unconstructive, because my directive principle within those activities has been my mind.

As a child my time “off-work” was usually weekends and holidays, because most of my week day evenings after school I had hobbies to attend to. When I did have leisure time, I watched cartoons and ate candy, or I read novels or comic books, or played with my toys, or played games, or gossiped – with my friends we often played outdoors, but I rarely did that by myself. In high school I was introduced to partying and alcohol, and for some time that played a big part in my leisure activities. We had parties and get-togethers for no other reason than getting drunk, and because we had a nice group of people with which to do that, we did it quite often. In my later teens and early twenties after I had graduated the same thing continued, only now in bars and with a different group of people – and this is when I started to realize how empty it all was and eventually stopped going out. The socializing did not involve any kind of substantial conversation or other kind of exchange: it was just people getting bored together and talking about all kinds of things we used to entertain ourselves with.

So as I realized my “leisure time” that was supposed to be “fun” was spent doing nothing [and I also felt uncomfortable with these people due to self-expression related issues but that's another story], I rather worked or did something I actually enjoyed. There was a period of unemployment where a lot of my days consisted of playing video games and watching TV series. These things weren't any more substantial, but while doing them I was with myself, relaxed and joyful, and didn't “have to” pose for anyone or do/say things I did not really want to (here I blamed the others for “demanding” something of me, when in fact I was the one accepting and allowing myself to live according to ideals).

So excluding arts, which I see to hold some value and purpose, my leisure time has mostly been spent into escapism through entertainment. As I have always perceived work to be unpleasant, I have believed I “need” something pleasant to balance it out.

I've been frustrated with doing nothing for a long time, and I haven't really known what to do about it. I have for example been stuck with the belief that I can only educate myself if I get into a school, not realizing the vast possibilities simply in having access to a public library and educating myself. I have justified this by thinking I “need” an authority to guide and assist me as I study, and that if I study independently, I might not be getting the “right” information – that the schools hold some “supreme” knowledge that I am unable to access. Yes and no – even though a school might provide me something books don't, the basic info I would be ready to take in is accessible even outside the walls of a school.

And so, now that I've been getting a hold of what it is I can actually do with my time, I've started to look down on all the leisure activities I used to do, and I've started to resent/refuse some non-work activities. There's guilt, regret and refusal – I look back at how I have been living, and looking through my twisted work morale it all seems to have been in vain. So it's a shame of my past self and not forgiving my past, as well as not looking at what I have actually been doing – I'm just interpreting what I recall of my past through self-hate.

There's a lot to go through, so I will try to organize this a bit.

-- Past --

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my past actions to have been “useless”, as I have been afraid to face what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and instead separated myself from myself through blame and shame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my playing as a child to have been “useless”, not realizing that children as well as all people learn and create through play – that the nature of man is playful – that one learns new things by applying that which one already knows into practice unplanned and seeing what comes of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as a child I consumed that learning material which was offered to me – movies, cartoons, comics, books, toys and games – because I was curious and wanted to learn and seized all opportunities to learn as simply learning through living, making the best of what I had - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as a child it simply did not occur to me to question the validity of the material I was offered.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the learning material I had access to as a child is actually way more than what the majority of children ever has access to, and that even though I was apparently “slacking off” as I was playing, I have all the while accumulated knowledge and understanding that has assisted and supported me in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how the process of learning works as I have judged myself to have been “slacking off” as a child when I have actually been learning through play.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and define watching cartoons as “useless” and thus feel guilty for all the times I watch and have watched cartoons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and define watching movies with no artistic or substantial value as “useless” and thus feel guilty for most of the times I watch and have watched movies in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and define reading comic books as “useless”, not realizing the media itself doesn't disprove the content – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty of reading, buying, owning and enjoying comic books / graphic novels.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and define reading fictional books as “useless”, the fiction apparently having no concrete value – not realizing that many fictional novels offer a chance to understand abstract concepts better than factual books, as they go through various different dimensions of a subject untied to the guidelines of science, and that they thus hold a certain kind of substantial value – not realizing that my disdain for fictional books in general is actually disdain towards books with no other purpose than entertainment, fantasy and escapism – or disdain towards myself for having indulged in the reading experience where all I allow myself is entertainment, fantasy and escapism, no matter the material I'm reading.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shun myself for reading fictional books I perceive to have been “useless entertainment”, not realizing I have read vast amounts of other kinds of literature as well, and that as a child reading was one of the ways of learning I enjoyed and utilized the most and thus learned a lot through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and define playing with toys to be “useless”, not realizing that even though my toys were mostly made out of plastic and ended up being thrown in the trash and polluting the planet, the actual purpose of a toy is to allow a child to experiment and not merely to entertain, and that a toy itself is not “useless” - the problem lies with how toys are produced, marketed and utilized as entertainment and integration into the society and it's conventions instead of supporting and assisting a child to understand who and what he/she is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having played with toys as a child, not realizing I had little to no choice over what I was offered to play with, and that despite the toys I played with I still learned a lot through playing - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so fascinated by the colourful plastic toys that I dismissed any toys that I perceived to be “less entertaining”. [Interesting topic to investigate: toy addictions.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and feel guilty and ashamed for the drinking and partying I participated in when I was a teenager.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a teenager to become so fascinated by the physical sensations I got from being drunk that I didn't consider the consequences or validity of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a teenager to find a “release” through drinking alcohol, as I was very fearful and suppressing my self-expression and found that as I drank alcohol my state of mind changed from being “limited” to “less limited”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the “release” I got from drinking alcohol to be real, not stopping to realize the fact that the effects faded soon after the alcohol had dissolved from my body and that the “release” was thus never permanent and not a real solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the social agreement where a “special” situation is created through people drinking alcohol, making the situation “safe” for all as everybody's goal is apparently the same – getting drunk – and where within this “safe” situation it is accepted for people to express themselves unsuppressed and unlimited, also using this “safe” state of “self-expression” to justify any and all actions that happen within the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that for me drinking and partying was escapism through creating a temporary illusion of myself being someone else – someone who did not suppress herself – a role play with the assistance of alcohol – where I did not (want to) realize I would eventually have to face myself as who I had accepted and allowed myself to become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone facing myself with partying and drinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend a lot of time partying and drinking as I have kept on postponing facing myself as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, accumulating more and more dishonesty and self-abuse, not realizing the consequences they would eventually manifest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for my past instead of facing myself, forgiving myself and letting it go, not realizing that as long as I live in fear of facing my past I will never be fully HERE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my drinking and partying with the fact that I enjoyed the company of the people I did it with, not realizing that as we were drunk we never faced each other as ourselves but as our drunk personalities and that I was then not enjoying the actual people but the imaginary scenes we staged inbetween us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I've been drunk I have never actually been HERE and that all the people I have met while drunk I haven't really faced as who they are by standing within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge drinking and partying as “useless”, “unnecessary”, “lazy”, “doing nothing” and “wasting time”, not realizing that even though concerning my current priorities it has not been an act of advance but of regression, I do not need to be ashamed of what I have done – what has happened, has happened, and all there is to do about it is to not repeat it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and define playing video games to be “a waste of time”, as I have felt guilty about the amount of time I have spent playing video games, not realizing that guilt is not necessary for me to “make amends” for the time I have “wasted” - what has happened, has happened, and all there is to do about it is to not repeat it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use video games as an escape of my reality where I felt stuck, depressed, anxious, chained, lost, desperate, alone, meaningless, weak, powerless, confused, misunderstood, supportless, afraid and frustrated - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape all this into an artificial reality of colourful moving pictures as I believed the illusion that within the games I was in control, I knew what to do, the rules were clear, the game reality was comprehensible, I was powerful, I was free, I was able, I had a mission and a goal – not realizing all of this was an illusion and that all the while I immersed myself in the artificial realities, in this reality nothing changed at all, and when I turned off my game console I was just as stuck and anxious as before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I “need” a break from my anxiousness through video games because I believed I wouldn't have enough strength to face my reality if I didn't have a break every now and then – not realizing I was charging my batteries with energy that was bound to run out and that all the while I charged and emptied my batteries I increased the amount of energy I required to face my reality, getting more and more powerless the more I played.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “empower” myself through video games by becoming the illusion of strength within the artificial reality, not realizing that all the while nothing changed in this reality – I staid exactly the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify playing video games by believing I was gaining some actual skills by playing and that the merits and achievements I gained in the game were somehow real or valid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need to “make amends” for my past misgivings by feeling bad about it, believing I need to “show remorse” so that others will not judge me as I already judge myself, not realizing me feeling bad changes nothing whatsoever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that by judging and punishing myself I “avoid” the “bigger evil” - the judgement of others – not realizing I am causing myself damage to avoid something that exists only within my imagination – I am harming myself because of images that aren't real.

-- Work vs. leisure --

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my existence within every moment as a being of breath by defining some moments to be “work” (unpleasant and compulsory) and some to be “leisure” (pleasant and voluntary), separating some moments from the flow of my experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that working is “unpleasant” and “tiring” as I have believed I am “forced” by the world to work – not realizing that even though this society and world system requires that I work for survival, I choose to participate in it and thus accept and allow its existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that as I am “forced” to work I “deserve” compensation in the form of “leisure” time when I do not “have to” work and “get to” do all kinds of “pleasant” and “enjoyable” things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I create the experience of pleasantness and unpleasantness, and that instead of the world as “all but me” I am thus responsible for changing my experience and my conditions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I create work into an unpleasant experience by going into a state of being where everything seems uncomfortable, demanding, “too much” and tiring, and that I do this by accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought patterns I am automated to run according to and by accepting and allowing these thoughts to accumulate into a point where I create an actual physical and energetic experience of exhaustion, giving up and “not wanting to be there” - wanting to escape my uncomfortable circumstances as I believe they are the cause of my experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I create leisure into a pleasant experience as I use leisure time to release the energy I have accumulated during work, glorifying the physical and energetic feeling of release through thought patterns by defining it as comfortable, relaxed, free and happy – not realizing that the feeling of release wears off soon after I return to work as I return to the environment and activities I have defined to be “uncomfortable”, believing I cannot remain happy in such an environment and executing my programs once again, re-starting the loop – and not realizing that if I do not return to work and the experience wears off anyway and turns into boredom the experience was not real as nothing was influenced as a result.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am in fact able to stand within and as myself stable no matter my surrounding environment or circumstances, and that as I am stable within and as myself as a physical being within and as breath, my experience will no longer be dictated by the mind as my directive principle is myself as a physical breathing being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am able to go through any situation – “work” or “leisure” - unaffected by negative or positive energies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that work is “unpleasant” because it takes away time from the things I would actually like to do, not realizing that no matter the job I am able to get the most out of it – to actually be within the work situation as it is and see the possibilities it offers, not limited by my perception of what the work situation “ought to be”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive “leisure” time to be such where I cannot be bossed around and have control over my doings, because when I was a child my usual “work” day activities were dictated by my parents / the world through school and a bunch of hobbies which I had little to no control over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then feel “empowered” during leisure time as I believed I then had power over myself but otherwise didn't.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define leisure time as such where “I get to decide”, meaning that I would only do things that are fun and would do nothing that feels like work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to compensate for my daily activities, which there were unordinarily many, with leisure time that had to be all fun and no work at all.

-- Refusing fun --

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to demand myself to work without breaks until I wear myself out as I have been afraid I'm not doing “enough” if I “waste time”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe giving myself a break when I actually physically need it is a “waste of time”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge all activities that don't directly contribute to things I have defined as “constructive” to be “unnecessary”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I limit myself to only a few “constructive” activities I miss out on a lot of things that hold substance and value but which I have refused to explore because of my definitions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize my definition of “constructive” is limited according to how I have so far experienced actions to construct substantial results into this reality – which, due to my self-limitations and suppression, is an extremely limited point-of-view.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not look beyond my definition of “constructive”, not realizing that there's a lot in this reality I do not know of as I have believed I already had the answers – being afraid of the unfamiliar and refusing it by stating “I don't need it” or “I'm better than that”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse socializing with people because I have believed it will not produce anything concrete based on my earlier experiences of socializing where nothing moved, happened or changed - not realizing that I myself have been limiting myself from making the most out of a situation by limiting my self-expression and that my perception of my past experiences of socializing is thus biased as I refuse to carry responsibility to create a situation into a substantial one and instead blame others for not doing it for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that there is nothing in this reality that would be actually useless – it is simply a matter of whether or not something supports me in what I have chosen to live as or commit myself to.


Commitments:

I commit myself to no longer dwell in guilt over my past as I now see, realize and understand that guilt changes nothing whatsoever and is in no way necessary; when and as I go into guilt over my past I commit myself to stop, breathe and remind myself that self-judgement as guilt will not “pay for my dues” as it is not action but a thought that moves nothing within this reality.

I commit myself to investigate my definition of “constructive activities”.

I commit myself to move myself to situations I have defined to be “useless” and which I'm still unsure of to experiment and self-honestly assess whether or not they support me in what I have chosen to live as and commit myself to.

I commit myself to no longer abuse myself by not allowing myself a break when I physically need it.

I commit myself to redefine “a break” by exploring how to give myself a break from what I was doing in different ways I am used to.

I commit myself to investigate the moments when my mind tells me I “need a break” when my physical actually doesn't.

I commit myself to investigate the word “fun” and what “having fun” actually is to me as an experience.

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