2811-01122012
From part 1: "I have just started an improvisation group with some friends and new friends. We had just had our first meeting and it had gone very well, but as I was on my way home I was struck by guilt. “How can you be doing something as useless as this when there's actual work to be done?”
As I started to write more specifically about what I was experiencing, I noticed that what it came down to was my relationship to work, leisure and responsibility, and also how I had viewed my father as a child – I was feeling guilty for doing something “useless”. I will now go through some dimensions of these issues."
- No leisure time for me (what is fun?)
- What is “enough”
--
No leisure time for me (what is fun?) --
I
wrote about this in my DIP Lite assignment, here's an excerpt:
I
realized the difference between "feeling relaxed" and
simply not being physically tense.
The
feeling of relaxation is what most people use as a motivator. If I do
this and this and this, if I work hard enough and fast enough and
suffer enough - then I'll be rewarded with [whatever gives one the
sensation of relaxation]. So the focus is in the reward, and the
relaxation is seen as just a pleasant side effect, even though the
actual physical relaxation is what people are after. So it's a game
of tensing and relaxing oneself no one questions, because the
relaxation feels so good it's easy to forget about the suffering -
and once you end up suffering again, you can always remember the last
relaxing experience you had to make the suffering seem “worth it”.
I
have started to feel more at ease with people as I've become more
stable and consequently the way I enjoy spending time with people has
changed . As I see how the people around me look for the feeling of
relaxation at everyone else's expense, I know I cannot do that myself
anymore, and so I end up feeling guilty for every bit of enjoyment I
have, because I fear I'm "wasting my time" enjoying myself
- looking for my value in constant working and perceiving relaxation
to be "slacking off".
But
as I know a human being needs rest, I give myself "permission"
to relax every now and then. No muscle will stay healthy if in
constant tension. The problem here is I still see relaxing as
something "bad" and "extra" instead of it being
an essential physical need and a part of my daily rhythm.
So
I see the problem lies with me not yet having a grasp of what it is
to balance myself between "work" and "leisure" -
or what it is to dissolve those terms completely.
--
I
have defined the word “fun” to mean “slacking off”. I have
created connotations that connect the concept of “having fun”
into memories, fantasies and other images in my mind that I have
defined as “useless”, “unnecessary”, “lazy”, “doing
nothing”, “wasting time” - mainly because for most of my life
the way I have spent my leisure time has been (or has seemed to be)
very unconstructive, because my directive principle within those
activities has been my mind.
As
a child my time “off-work” was usually weekends and holidays,
because most of my week day evenings after school I had hobbies to
attend to. When I did have leisure time, I watched cartoons and ate
candy, or I read novels or comic books, or played with my toys, or
played games, or gossiped – with my friends we often played
outdoors, but I rarely did that by myself. In high school I was
introduced to partying and alcohol, and for some time that played a
big part in my leisure activities. We had parties and get-togethers
for no other reason than getting drunk, and because we had a nice
group of people with which to do that, we did it quite often. In my
later teens and early twenties after I had graduated the same thing
continued, only now in bars and with a different group of people –
and this is when I started to realize how empty it all was and
eventually stopped going out. The socializing did not involve any
kind of substantial conversation or other kind of exchange: it was
just people getting bored together and talking about all kinds of
things we used to entertain ourselves with.
So
as I realized my “leisure time” that was supposed to be “fun”
was spent doing nothing [and I also felt uncomfortable with these
people due to self-expression related issues but that's another
story], I rather worked or did something I actually enjoyed. There
was a period of unemployment where a lot of my days consisted of
playing video games and watching TV series. These things weren't any
more substantial, but while doing them I was with myself, relaxed and
joyful, and didn't “have to” pose for anyone or do/say things I
did not really want to (here I blamed the others for “demanding”
something of me, when in fact I was the one accepting and allowing
myself to live according to ideals).
So
excluding arts, which I see to hold some value and purpose, my
leisure time has mostly been spent into escapism through
entertainment. As I have always perceived work to be unpleasant, I
have believed I “need” something pleasant to balance it out.
I've
been frustrated with doing nothing for a long time, and I haven't
really known what to do about it. I have for example been stuck with
the belief that I can only educate myself if I get into a school, not
realizing the vast possibilities simply in having access to a public
library and educating myself. I have justified this by thinking I
“need” an authority to guide and assist me as I study, and that
if I study independently, I might not be getting the “right”
information – that the schools hold some “supreme” knowledge
that I am unable to access. Yes and no – even though a school might
provide me something books don't, the basic info I would be ready to
take in is accessible even outside the walls of a school.
And
so, now that I've been getting a hold of what it is I can actually do
with my time, I've started to look down on all the leisure activities
I used to do, and I've started to resent/refuse some non-work
activities. There's guilt, regret and refusal – I look back at how
I have been living, and looking through my twisted work morale it all
seems to have been in vain. So it's a shame of my past self and not
forgiving my past, as well as not looking at what I have actually
been doing – I'm just interpreting what I recall of my past through
self-hate.
There's
a lot to go through, so I will try to organize this a bit.
--
Past --
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my
past actions to have been “useless”, as I have been afraid to
face what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and instead
separated myself from myself through blame and shame.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my
playing as a child to have been “useless”, not realizing that
children as well as all people learn and create through play – that
the nature of man is playful – that one learns new things by
applying that which one already knows into practice unplanned and
seeing what comes of it.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize
that as a child I consumed that learning material which was offered
to me – movies, cartoons, comics, books, toys and games – because
I was curious and wanted to learn and seized all opportunities to
learn as simply learning through living, making the best of what I
had - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
realize that as a child it simply did not occur to me to question the
validity of the material I was offered.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize
that the learning material I had access to as a child is actually way
more than what the majority of children ever has access to, and that
even though I was apparently “slacking off” as I was playing, I
have all the while accumulated knowledge and understanding that has
assisted and supported me in this world.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize
how the process of learning works as I have judged myself to have
been “slacking off” as a child when I have actually been learning
through play.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive
and define watching cartoons as “useless” and thus feel guilty
for all the times I watch and have watched cartoons.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive
and define watching movies with no artistic or substantial value as
“useless” and thus feel guilty for most of the times I watch and
have watched movies in general.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive
and define reading comic books as “useless”, not realizing the
media itself doesn't disprove the content – and I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty of reading,
buying, owning and enjoying comic books / graphic novels.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive
and define reading fictional books as “useless”, the fiction
apparently having no concrete value – not realizing that many
fictional novels offer a chance to understand abstract concepts
better than factual books, as they go through various different
dimensions of a subject untied to the guidelines of science, and that
they thus hold a certain kind of substantial value – not realizing
that my disdain for fictional books in general is actually disdain
towards books with no other purpose than entertainment, fantasy and
escapism – or disdain towards myself for having indulged in the
reading experience where all I allow myself is entertainment, fantasy
and escapism, no matter the material I'm reading.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shun myself
for reading fictional books I perceive to have been “useless
entertainment”, not realizing I have read vast amounts of other
kinds of literature as well, and that as a child reading was one of
the ways of learning I enjoyed and utilized the most and thus learned
a lot through.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive
and define playing with toys to be “useless”, not realizing that
even though my toys were mostly made out of plastic and ended up
being thrown in the trash and polluting the planet, the actual
purpose of a toy is to allow a child to experiment and not merely to
entertain, and that a toy itself is not “useless” - the problem
lies with how toys are produced, marketed and utilized as
entertainment and integration into the society and it's conventions
instead of supporting and assisting a child to understand who and
what he/she is.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge
myself for having played with toys as a child, not realizing I had
little to no choice over what I was offered to play with, and that
despite the toys I played with I still learned a lot through playing
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so
fascinated by the colourful plastic toys that I dismissed any toys
that I perceived to be “less entertaining”. [Interesting topic to
investigate: toy addictions.]
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge
myself and feel guilty and ashamed for the drinking and partying I
participated in when I was a teenager.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a teenager
to become so fascinated by the physical sensations I got from being
drunk that I didn't consider the consequences or validity of it.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a teenager
to find a “release” through drinking alcohol, as I was very
fearful and suppressing my self-expression and found that as I drank
alcohol my state of mind changed from being “limited” to “less
limited”.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe
that the “release” I got from drinking alcohol to be real, not
stopping to realize the fact that the effects faded soon after the
alcohol had dissolved from my body and that the “release” was
thus never permanent and not a real solution.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate
in the social agreement where a “special” situation is created
through people drinking alcohol, making the situation “safe” for
all as everybody's goal is apparently the same – getting drunk –
and where within this “safe” situation it is accepted for people
to express themselves unsuppressed and unlimited, also using this
“safe” state of “self-expression” to justify any and all
actions that happen within the situation.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize
that for me drinking and partying was escapism through creating a
temporary illusion of myself being someone else – someone who did
not suppress herself – a role play with the assistance of alcohol –
where I did not (want to) realize I would eventually have to face
myself as who I had accepted and allowed myself to become.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone
facing myself with partying and drinking.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend a lot
of time partying and drinking as I have kept on postponing facing
myself as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become,
accumulating more and more dishonesty and self-abuse, not realizing
the consequences they would eventually manifest.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge
myself for my past instead of facing myself, forgiving myself and
letting it go, not realizing that as long as I live in fear of facing
my past I will never be fully HERE.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my
drinking and partying with the fact that I enjoyed the company of the
people I did it with, not realizing that as we were drunk we never
faced each other as ourselves but as our drunk personalities and that
I was then not enjoying the actual people but the imaginary scenes we
staged inbetween us.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize
that as I've been drunk I have never actually been HERE and that all
the people I have met while drunk I haven't really faced as who they
are by standing within and as myself.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge
drinking and partying as “useless”, “unnecessary”, “lazy”,
“doing nothing” and “wasting time”, not realizing that even
though concerning my current priorities it has not been an act of
advance but of regression, I do not need to be ashamed of what I have
done – what has happened, has happened, and all there is to do
about it is to not repeat it.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive
and define playing video games to be “a waste of time”, as I have
felt guilty about the amount of time I have spent playing video
games, not realizing that guilt is not necessary for me to “make
amends” for the time I have “wasted” - what has happened, has
happened, and all there is to do about it is to not repeat it.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use video
games as an escape of my reality where I felt stuck, depressed,
anxious, chained, lost, desperate, alone, meaningless, weak,
powerless, confused, misunderstood, supportless, afraid and
frustrated - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to escape all this into an artificial reality of colourful moving
pictures as I believed the illusion that within the games I was in
control, I knew what to do, the rules were clear, the game reality
was comprehensible, I was powerful, I was free, I was able, I had a
mission and a goal – not realizing all of this was an illusion and
that all the while I immersed myself in the artificial realities, in
this reality nothing changed at all, and when I turned off my game
console I was just as stuck and anxious as before.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I
“need” a break from my anxiousness through video games because I
believed I wouldn't have enough strength to face my reality if I
didn't have a break every now and then – not realizing I was
charging my batteries with energy that was bound to run out and that
all the while I charged and emptied my batteries I increased the
amount of energy I required to face my reality, getting more and more
powerless the more I played.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “empower”
myself through video games by becoming the illusion of strength
within the artificial reality, not realizing that all the while
nothing changed in this reality – I staid exactly the same.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify
playing video games by believing I was gaining some actual skills by
playing and that the merits and achievements I gained in the game
were somehow real or valid.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I
need to “make amends” for my past misgivings by feeling bad about
it, believing I need to “show remorse” so that others will not
judge me as I already judge myself, not realizing me feeling bad
changes nothing whatsoever.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe
that by judging and punishing myself I “avoid” the “bigger
evil” - the judgement of others – not realizing I am causing
myself damage to avoid something that exists only within my
imagination – I am harming myself because of images that aren't
real.
--
Work vs. leisure --
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate
myself from my existence within every moment as a being of breath by
defining some moments to be “work” (unpleasant and compulsory)
and some to be “leisure” (pleasant and voluntary), separating
some moments from the flow of my experience.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and
perceive that working is “unpleasant” and “tiring” as I have
believed I am “forced” by the world to work – not realizing
that even though this society and world system requires that I work
for survival, I choose to participate in it and thus accept and allow
its existence.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe
that as I am “forced” to work I “deserve” compensation in the
form of “leisure” time when I do not “have to” work and “get
to” do all kinds of “pleasant” and “enjoyable” things.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize
that I create the experience of pleasantness and unpleasantness, and
that instead of the world as “all but me” I am thus responsible
for changing my experience and my conditions.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize
that I create work into an unpleasant experience by going into a
state of being where everything seems uncomfortable, demanding, “too
much” and tiring, and that I do this by accepting and allowing
myself to participate in the thought patterns I am automated to run
according to and by accepting and allowing these thoughts to
accumulate into a point where I create an actual physical and
energetic experience of exhaustion, giving up and “not wanting to
be there” - wanting to escape my uncomfortable circumstances as I
believe they are the cause of my experience.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize
that I create leisure into a pleasant experience as I use leisure
time to release the energy I have accumulated during work, glorifying
the physical and energetic feeling of release through thought
patterns by defining it as comfortable, relaxed, free and happy –
not realizing that the feeling of release wears off soon after I
return to work as I return to the environment and activities I have
defined to be “uncomfortable”, believing I cannot remain happy in
such an environment and executing my programs once again, re-starting
the loop – and not realizing that if I do not return to work and
the experience wears off anyway and turns into boredom the experience
was not real as nothing was influenced as a result.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize
that I am in fact able to stand within and as myself stable no matter
my surrounding environment or circumstances, and that as I am stable
within and as myself as a physical being within and as breath, my
experience will no longer be dictated by the mind as my directive
principle is myself as a physical breathing being.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize
that I am able to go through any situation – “work” or
“leisure” - unaffected by negative or positive energies.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe
that work is “unpleasant” because it takes away time from the
things I would actually like to do, not realizing that no matter the
job I am able to get the most out of it – to actually be within the
work situation as it is and see the possibilities it offers, not
limited by my perception of what the work situation “ought to be”.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive
“leisure” time to be such where I cannot be bossed around and
have control over my doings, because when I was a child my usual
“work” day activities were dictated by my parents / the world
through school and a bunch of hobbies which I had little to no
control over.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then feel
“empowered” during leisure time as I believed I then had power
over myself but otherwise didn't.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define
leisure time as such where “I get to decide”, meaning that I
would only do things that are fun and would do nothing that feels
like work.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to
compensate for my daily activities, which there were unordinarily
many, with leisure time that had to be all fun and no work at all.
--
Refusing fun --
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to demand
myself to work without breaks until I wear myself out as I have been
afraid I'm not doing “enough” if I “waste time”.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe
giving myself a break when I actually physically need it is a “waste
of time”.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge all
activities that don't directly contribute to things I have defined as
“constructive” to be “unnecessary”.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize
that as I limit myself to only a few “constructive” activities I
miss out on a lot of things that hold substance and value but which I
have refused to explore because of my definitions.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize
my definition of “constructive” is limited according to how I
have so far experienced actions to construct substantial results into
this reality – which, due to my self-limitations and suppression,
is an extremely limited point-of-view.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not look
beyond my definition of “constructive”, not realizing that
there's a lot in this reality I do not know of as I have believed I
already had the answers – being afraid of the unfamiliar and
refusing it by stating “I don't need it” or “I'm better than
that”.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse
socializing with people because I have believed it will not produce
anything concrete based on my earlier experiences of socializing
where nothing moved, happened or changed - not realizing that I
myself have been limiting myself from making the most out of a
situation by limiting my self-expression and that my perception of my
past experiences of socializing is thus biased as I refuse to carry
responsibility to create a situation into a substantial one and
instead blame others for not doing it for me.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize
that there is nothing in this reality that would be actually useless
– it is simply a matter of whether or not something supports me in
what I have chosen to live as or commit myself to.
Commitments:
I
commit myself to no longer dwell in guilt over my past as I now see,
realize and understand that guilt changes nothing whatsoever and is
in no way necessary; when and as I go into guilt over my past I
commit myself to stop, breathe and remind myself that self-judgement
as guilt will not “pay for my dues” as it is not action but a
thought that moves nothing within this reality.
I
commit myself to investigate my definition of “constructive
activities”.
I
commit myself to move myself to situations I have defined to be
“useless” and which I'm still unsure of to experiment and
self-honestly assess whether or not they support me in what I have
chosen to live as and commit myself to.
I
commit myself to no longer abuse myself by not allowing myself a
break when I physically need it.
I
commit myself to redefine “a break” by exploring how to give
myself a break from what I was doing in different ways I am used to.
I
commit myself to investigate the moments when my mind tells me I
“need a break” when my physical actually doesn't.
I
commit myself to investigate the word “fun” and what “having
fun” actually is to me as an experience.
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