Days 43-45: The theatre scene

03-05112012

I just spent a weekend on a theatre course weekend. It is an event that has been organized for decades within the amateur theatre scene in Finland and has apparently been very popular, but for the past 5 years I have been taking part in it yearly the popularity has declined and I now have a clearer vision of the reasons behind it. During the weekend a lot of topics to write about have surfaced, and I will write them out during the next few days.

The first one I'd like to focus on is the event and the amateur theatre scene in general as I have witnessed it. The amateur theatre scene in Finland is very alcoholized, and based on what I've heard and seen the professional scene is no different, and in addition to alcohol I was informed among the professionals there's also drugs involved, such as cocaine, but this I cannot confirm myself. In these amateur theatre events the reason people get together is to get drunk, because it's apparently all the more fun with people who are “open”, “bold” and “extravagant” like themselves. When these people get together they surround themselves with people just like them and “get to” be “free” and “have fun”, because with the ordinary folk it just isn't the same; the ordinary (= non-theatre) people are not seen as of one's own kin. Alcohol in this is a bonding rite very rarely questioned.

I chose to not drink alcohol during this weekend, as I choose not to most of the time anyway; not because I have a “lifestyle” or a “principle” I'd live by, but by making the choice over and over again in each moment I am offered a drink or told to drink, asking myself within/as my physical being: “Do I need it?” And as the answer is “no” every time I simply don't drink.

I have previously taken part in the alcohol bonding rite, although less and less every year. This year I think was the first time I was completely free of alcohol (not yet the desire for it), and it was a most interesting position to look around from. I saw shitloads of fear: new people asking “Should I be drinking? Is that what I'm supposed to do now?” and being instantly accepted because they held a glass; old folk being drunk 24/7 as they could not face each other without the drunken persona; everyone possessed in a “now I'm finally free” kind of an energy, driving each other to do “crazier” things and say “wilder” stuff, creating a circle of compliments and conversation, talking shit about nothing at all and getting nothing of relevance done. A describing example happened during the day when there was a lot of arguing about the arrangements of the event, but as everyone was already tipsy it was truly an argument where people yelled at each other, blamed each other, refused to carry any responsibility and absolutely nothing was achieved. Everyone speaking, no one listening.

Besides the alcohol and communication problems people seem to lack a vision. As the popularity of this particular event has been declining there are very few young people attending, so most of the participants are around 40-60 years old, and I can only speak for what I've witnessed the active members of this age group to live as. In small towns the amateur theaters mainly exist for the sake of entertainment. People get together to play around a little bit, to kind of do things properly but then again no, because they want to keep their hobby fun and light, and to take any responsibility (which is required if anything of substance is wanted to bring about) would be to ruin one's experience of fun, as things suddenly get all serious. People gather under the roof of a theatre to escape their everyday life, not to broaden it. If a play is finished, it is shown to the townsfolk as entertainment, as common-man circus where the ordinary folks have a chance to “shine” for a while and get some praise from friends and neighbors. So theatre as art and as a tool holds no relevance as long as one gets one's kicks out of it. To me this is ignorance (lack of information and no will to educate oneself) and abusing a tool that could be so much more.

All I see is fear, fear, fear, fear, fear fucking everywhere, even within these groups that claim to be fearless. My frustration towards it is a matter of its own, yet the facts remain: the scene itself supports these issues I described above, is not willing to face them and is slowly and noisily killing itself, and I will take no part in it. All I can do is stand within myself among all this; the ones who will follow, will follow. But as I know these older people are more stuck with their personas than the younger theatre folk [a point I will open in further writing] I will utilize my time with people that I find to be more willing to co-operate. I cannot save anyone. They will save themselves if they so choose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel helpless within the theatre scene as I have perceived myself powerless to do anything about its issues, not realizing what I can do even without any credentials is change myself and stand within and as myself within the scene and thus live as an example.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need credentials and status in order to make a difference, not realizing they are just external merits used to convince others of your abilities and not the abilities themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to save the people in this profession from themselves as abuse, escapism and ignorance, not realizing I cannot save another person as I cannot move them but only myself, and that they are the ones to move and change themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sadness, grief and loss over the people who have chosen to not move and change themselves, not realizing the sadness is just a form of fear.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will not change along with me and I will be left alone to face the world as the system.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the world as the system, perceiving it to be a monster I have to slay all by myself.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there are no people in this business who could support and assist me, not realizing I myself am my primary support, and that I haven't met enough people in this profession to make a generalization and never will.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the monster alone, not realizing I will face it alone anyway, other people or not, as I am alone within my experience and the only one I can move.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive the world as it is at the moment as a monster, making it harder and bigger to face by painting a negative image over it, not realizing the world simply is, that there is no evil.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what I perceive to be “evil” and “monstrous” within the world is simply a malfunction that leads to suffering, and that this malfunction needs to be faced and solved for everyone to have a life free from suffering.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being wrong, asking myself “What if everyone else is right and I'm wrong?”, doubting my choices as my environment doesn't support them.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ask myself this question and live within and as insecurity, not realizing that the polarities insecure-secure and unsafe-safe exist only within the mind - I now see and realize that “safe” is an illusion created by images and illusions people create as an ideal safe state to be in, which is then manifested into reality through everyone accepting and allowing these images and living according to each others' expectations that these images be preserved. Thus to stand within and as oneself is not safe/secure nor unsafe/insecure: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to stand within and as oneself is to live in uncertainty as one cannot predict what's going to happen, but that to stand within oneself is also the most secure state to be in as one is completely here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the people in this profession to be “special” based on their extrovertedness, expressiveness, boldness and joyfulness (= lots of laughing, joking and playing), not realizing these people have spent a lot of time in an environment that supports all of these traits and that the non-theatre people have not received such support, and that the people in this profession are thus no more special but only different based on their previous experiences.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize these traits often form a persona one creates in an environment that supports and rewards these traits, and that most of this behavior is thus not real. [Will open the persona point in further writing.]
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look down on people who are not doing theatre, not realizing I am creating and living as separation as I do not share what I have learned in an environment not everyone experiences and instead use my knowledge to lift me up and make me “more special” than other people.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use theatre as a weapon to make my status higher as I have perceived it to be a definition others respect as it is something “special”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question alcohol as a bonding rite.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in alcohol as a bonding rite as I have been afraid of not being accepted.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that alcohol as well as all substances that alter one's senses takes me further away from here and makes it impossible to be present, thus making it harder to actually bond with anyone, as we're all living within our altered states of consciousness instead of being here, not realizing here is the only place where we can actually meet and interact as life.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people become “more free” under the effect of alcohol as I have seen people restrict their behavior less than when sober, when in fact when drunk people are further away from here as they are within their mind-realities, meeting each other within their drunk-realities instead of meeting here within this reality which is the only actual reality as it is the only one we all share.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have met someone when I have only met my drunken perception of their drunken reality persona.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire alcohol as I have believed I would not be accepted if I don't drink and feared I would be rejected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe I am pressured to drink and thus give in and participate in alcohol as a bonding rite, not realizing I am the one to move myself and that no pressure is able to move me without my acceptance and allowance.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to direct myself as I have given up authority over me to “the others” as the ones I have perceived to pressure me into drinking.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for “making” me drink, not realizing I am the one that moves myself through acceptance and allowance and that I carry responsibility for my movement as actions.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to another's wish that we bond through alcohol even though I have known it to be useless, wanting to be polite and to make the situation comfortable for the other, not realizing I am accepting and allowing that person to stay within their comfort zone and compromising myself by doing things I know to be harmful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and be angry at those who misuse theatre as a tool, not realizing their actions are mostly due to lack of information which can be corrected by communicating with them.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive people who misuse theatre as a tool as ignorant, stupid, lazy, egoistical and fearful, not realizing all of this is simply my perception I have formed without properly communicating these issues with these people.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not communicate with the people I have perceived to misuse theatre as a tool because I have believed they would not understand what I want to convey, not realizing a lot of this depends on how I deliver my message and that to not deliver the message at all is to abdicate my responsibility over the issue.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe myself to be “more” capable of doing theatre than those who I perceive to misuse it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated towards the theatre scene because I have been disappointed in it when it hasn't fulfilled my expectations.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an ideal image of the theatre scene and hope/expect it to be like I imagined.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed when my image of the theatre scene has proven to be false and then blame the scene for not being what I expected it to be, not realizing that to expect something from anything is to not allow it to be what it actually is and to not face it as it is.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist facing the theatre scene as it actually is as I hoped/expected to see something “better”.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated as I have seen the scene to be full of people who do not carry responsibility, feeling like I now have to carry responsibility for everyone else as well and “work more”, not realizing I was hoping/expecting the scene to be full of responsible people who'd do their share so that I wouldn't have to work so much and that my frustration is a reaction to my hope/expectation not being fulfilled.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope/expect others to be “heroes” and work for me as well so that I wouldn't have to do “all the work” (= carry my responsibility).
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my work load in this business to be “too much”, not realizing I will do as much as I can and a little at a time in each moment.

I commit myself to participate in the theatre scene within and as myself.

I commit myself to no longer compromise myself within the theatre scene, as I now see and realize that to compromise myself is to live as dishonesty and self-abuse.

I commit myself to treat everyone within the theatre scene as equals, be they amateurs, semi-professionals or professionals, as I now see and realize the differences between us are mostly due to lack of information and a different background as experiences and environments, which are conditions one may not have had any influence over.

I commit myself to study theatre for as long as it seems to hold a potential to serve that which is best for all.

I commit myself to study the theatre scene in order to find out what's actually being done at the moment and where it's actually moving.

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Surprisingly enough the self-forgiveness I wrote on this subject reflects the challenges I faced today regarding completely different issues. Most interesting and useful!