Days 46-47: Theatre personas

06-07112012

This post is a continuation to Days 43-45: The theatre scene.

During the theatre course weekend I participated in I took note of the personas/personalities/characters people wore as masks. I had identified in myself the “director persona” only about a week before the event, so I was studying behavior from a new point of view as I had realized how much this art of masks is created through masks. I recognized some others living as the director persona, which was easy for me to spot now that I've seen how I have lived it myself. That and the drunk persona I wrote about in an earlier post were the ones I was able to recognize and name, yet I believe there were others at play as well.

What I witnessed was people around the age 40-60 having merged with their personas as their identities almost inseparably. It was interesting to see how little (if any) one wavered when questioned and faced. I also saw people limiting their choice of actions within their field of profession according to their identities: “I cannot/will not/don't want to do X, because I am Y.” This is seen for example in what a theatre director chooses to work on: a theme, an age group, a work method. I'm not saying specializing in something is a bad thing, but if one “specializes” by excluding things one finds uncomfortable and focusing on the comfortable stuff, it is to live as dishonesty as one refuses to face oneself as the boundaries of one's comfort zone. When one “specializes” for the entirety of one's career, one will define oneself according to one's “special expertize”, never broadening beyond it.

For example, I met a semi-professional theatre director who appeared on the surface very confident, edgy, bold and straightforward, and also very abusive. The abusiveness was obvious to everyone, yet very few ever confronted him about it, as it was seen to be a part of his “personality” and he was allowed to be that way, because “that's just who/how he is”. When I got to discuss with him during our workshop I noticed he had an aggressive need to defend his abusive views on people, theatre and directing, and refused to accept any commentary on his words. We did a one-on-one rehearsal together where we shared our values in life, and as I shared my view on responsibility he used his age and “life experience” as basis for his explanation that the world is a shitty place where no one will ever carry responsibility and thus it should not be expected from anyone and I'm just a silly young idealist – just an example of his behavior. He also told us about his working methods, where he abuses the fear of his actors to keep them “on the edge”, because apparently they then perform better – most likely due to their focus being then more intense – which is where I perceive him to fail to take into account the fact that driving another into a state of fear and rewarding them and himself for it is abusive and will bite him in the ass one day.

But the most interesting thing about this man were the people around him. Everyone saw what he was doing, and only a handful of us (myself included) ever called him out on his bullshit. People were talking with each other: “This guy sucks”, “I wish he'd shut up”, everyone's fed up with him and no one does jack shit. Why? I've located two reasons. Firstly, as his abusiveness is considered a part of his personality/identity, it is never questioned as it would be a taboo and a code breaker in this religion of self. Secondly, people were waiting for a hero to appear and save them so they wouldn't have to move themselves, which unfortunately kind of happened as me and some others could not simply stand by and watch.

So what I'm starting to see here is how the personalities/identities are worshipped, especially within the arts as artists are seen as links to god and holy and beauty and whatever one perceives to be out of one's own reach. The fact that abuse is allowed to go so far without anyone taking action is sickening to me - a reaction I'm dealing with - and I realize the only way I can change the scene is to change my behavior, to actually respond within these situations where abuse is noticeable. What I can also do is to stop myself from living as the director persona – but I will continue with that in my next post.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive what I see going on in the theatre scene to be unacceptable and react with frustration and aggression.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize my frustration towards things I perceive to be unacceptable is actually powerlessness – believing I am unable to do anything about that which is unacceptable.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize believing I am powerless limits me from taking action as I filter my perception of reality through the belief that “I can't” and make myself unable to see what it is I could actually do.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my frustration towards my own powerlessness is frustration towards others, not realizing I project myself on others and blame them for my own self-created conditions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I have been directing theatre from within a persona, and that everything I have directed in theatre so far has thus been dishonest. [Will open this up in separate writings.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as an actor act from within a persona – create a role from within a role. [This is a point I have to investigate further – I do not yet know what it is.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how this profession mostly works as relationships between people living as personalities/identities.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question the personalities/identities of the people I have been working with so far.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question the relationships based on which I have seen theatre to function so far.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe unquestioned what I have seen of theatre so far to be valid, justified and the correct way of doing it, not realizing how little I have seen thus far and how limited my perception is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe theatre to be “more human” than other professions because it is a living, moving science that studies humanity in motion, not realizing theatre is not separate from the rest of the world, the problems of which are bound to occur within the theatre scene as well as the people it consists of are an inseparable part of everything that exists.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe theatre is a “special” art/profession/field of science.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe theatre to be “more” than other arts, professions and fields of science.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the people who participate in making theatre to be “more special” than other people as I have perceived them to understand “more” about life, not realizing I have then supported keeping what we have learned within theatre as a secret from those who have not participated in making theatre and creating an imaginary separation between “us” and “them”.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe theatre people to be so “special” they are immune to the vices of common people, as I have perceived them to understand humanity “better” - a misconception I am now disassembling – not realizing that even though theatre offers great potential to understand humanity and life, not all participants actually learn/understand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and expect the people who participate in theatre to be “the good guys”.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine a separation between “the good guys” and “the bad guys” as theatre people and non-theatre people, not seeing every human being as one and equal as life.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the theatre scene in itself supports separation by keeping the methods a secret from each other and the audience.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the theatre tradition supports separation simply by separating the performers and the audience and creating the polarity active-passive. [I've got to open this audience point more.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to “specialize” in something is to limit myself from expanding beyond that which I have defined as my field of “specialization”.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I have defined myself as a “theatre person” I have limited myself from expanding beyond that definition and exploring all the things I could also do within this world.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to “specialize” in theatre as I have perceived it to be a profession I know much about and am comfortable within, limiting myself from considering other choices as I have feared all of that which is unfamiliar to me.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I have been afraid of what lies beyond my definition of myself because of its unfamiliarity, I have actually been afraid to face the unknown because I fear failing and do not trust myself to make it.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cling onto that which I find familiar and safe as I have feared failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to abuse with irritation, anger, frustration and disdain.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be irritated, angry and frustrated because another is being abusive, thinking “how can he do that and get away with it” and perceiving the situation to be unjust, not realizing that my idea of justice is just my perception of how things ought to go and that I do not know what would actually be “just” (= that which is best for all).
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my reactions with the faults of another, not realizing reacting is never justified.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look down on another who I perceive to be abusive and flawed, perceiving myself to be “better than” him and refusing to see myself as one and equal to everyone, even those who abuse, as we all have the ability to choose to abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the flaws of others/myself by believing them to be a part of one's personality/identity which cannot be questioned - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing and questioning my own personality/identity, not realizing it is a disguise I hide behind from myself and others.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question the holy position of personalities/identities, not realizing it is a part of the religion of self.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how personalities/identities are worshipped within the culture I was born and raised within, as I grew up to become a participant in the religion of self.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my personality/identity to be who I actually am, not realizing that it cannot be real as it changes in every environment and is different with each person – that which I am in essence is stable and constant, and a personality/identity is never stable nor constant unless fed with energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach people I perceive to be doing things “wrong” through aggression and frustration, not realizing I will only cause them to put up their defense mechanisms and that no message will then come across.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself to be a hero for standing up to abuse, not realizing doing what needs to be done is simply movement and that no movement is “special” or “more”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see other people as hopeless and non-trustworthy as they have not acted in a place where I saw action to be necessary.

I commit myself to further investigate theatre - how it's done, what is done with it, who/what are the people doing it living as, what is it, what could it be – in order to see if this tool I have a solid basic knowledge of and interest in could be utilized for that which is best for all.

I commit myself to stop following my reactions of frustration and aggression as I now see and realize they are not valid as they are based upon my perception of justice and the expectation of it not being fulfilled.

I commit myself when and as I go into frustration and/or aggression to stop, breathe, return myself here and remind myself that I'm reacting as the mind and that the mind as a directive principle is never valid.

I commit myself when and as I go into frustration and/or aggression to stop and face myself as the reaction and admit to myself what it is I'm actually doing instead of blaming that which I reacted to.

I commit myself to support and assist myself to always look at self.

I commit myself to investigate the personas I live as and have lived as within theatre.

I commit myself to no longer believe the personalities/identities of others unquestioned.