17112012
To live within
melancholy is to look at memories with simultaneous fondness and
regret. To look at a memory and think “this was a special moment”
or “I wish I had done this differently” is to give the memory a
“special” value instead of looking at the memory as it actually
is: what I recall to have happened. The value memories have is as a
tool of self-reflection, but that's about it.
To feed on the
(positive or negative) energy a memory triggers in me is to search
for more and more energy to power me up instead of finding my “drive”
to keep living and moving from myself as my directive principle. To
live powered by memories is to live as the mind.
To look back on
memories in search of positive energy is to spiritualize them. To
look at memories with regret is to believe things are irreparable.
With both the purpose is to make life seem more “dramatic” or
“meaningful” by assigning some events, people or places a
“special” value instead of seeing that everything is just the
same. Wherever I go, a place is just a place. Whomever I meet, a
person is just a person. Whatever I do, an action is just an action.
Not to demean them, but to bring myself back to reality: there is
nothing special, everything has the same value – and in fact, to
think in terms of “value” is to already create separation. Things
simply exist and co-exist.
The thing with
melancholy that's really interesting is the conflict between negative
and positive, as both are present simultaneously. When I look back on
a positive memory I momentarily live within the associated feeling
and get a positive rush of energy, but I simultaneously realize the
moment is no longer here and feel sad about it, not being comfortable
within myself right here and now. When I look at a negative energy I
momentarily live within the associated emotion and get a negative
rush of energy, but simultaneously I'm glad the situation is in the
past and that I don't have to deal with it anymore, and that's when
the opportunity to reflect back on oneself and learn from past
mistakes is ignored. So I both face myself and refuse to look at
myself at the same time and end up accumulating the feelings/emotions
and living in a time loop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to look back on memories and assign them a value
of a positive or negative speciality: “this was especially
comfortable” or “this was especially uncomfortable”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to assign things a value based on how meaningful I
have perceived that thing to be for me personally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that the value I assign things is
actually from myself – that as I allow myself to be affected by
something I face I create the change within me, and thus I was the
one taking the “valuable” step and not the thing that triggered
it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to externalize value onto things, such as people,
places, events, actions, thoughts, feelings, emotions and memories.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not question why I hold some things valuable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not question why I hold some memories valuable
by thinking they are “special”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to refrain from reflecting on a memory because I
have been afraid to face the energetic response it might trigger in
me, as I've been afraid to face myself as the reactions memories
trigger in me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to escape the uncomfortable experience of facing
myself by suppressing memories and never opening them up, not
realizing that as I suppress them they're still within me and
manifest all the bigger consequences the longer I suppress them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize all of my memories are of the same
value, as their value is in what I can learn from myself with their
assistance, as they hold information on what I have been living as.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to feed on the energetic experience I have gone
with as I have projected myself into a memory, believing this energy
is to experience life itself, not realizing life is here and not
within the mind as traces of my perception of past moments.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize a memory is just a trace of my past
perception of reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize my memories are not an objective
truth as they have been recorded from my perspective only.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not trust myself to be my own “battery” as
hereness, stability and breath, and instead live with the mind as my
“battery” fueled with energetic experiences that distance me from
myself and the reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to spiritualize memories by assigning them a high
value and perceiving them to be “more than”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that as I spiritualize a memory I
make it “more than” myself, as I place my directive power within
the memory's energy and give in to it, not carrying my responsibility
to direct myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to look at a memory loaded with a negative value
and regret what happens within it, thinking I “should have” done
things differently and feeling sad – not realizing that as I regret
I believe things are beyond repair, which they rarely are if one
moves within and as self-honesty, and as I feel sorry for myself and
dwell in the negativeness I make myself blind to that which is
actually here and what I could do to redirect that which I see to
have gone wrong in the remembered situation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to look at a memory loaded with a positive value
and dwell on the positive experience - “this was so nice” - and
then feel sad about it because it's no longer here – and then go
back to the memory to live the experience again in my mind because
it's no longer here as I believe the only way I can re-live the
experience is to live within the memory – not realizing that as I
justify myself to go back to the memory “because it's no longer
here” I refuse to trust that living as hereness, stability and
breath would bring me a life that I enjoy, believing that the moment
in the memory was “special” and “one of a kind” and that it
was “pure luck” I got to experience it in the first place – not
realizing that as I believe the moment was “special” I live as
fear and cling onto the one moment that I happened to not limit and
suppress myself within.
I commit myself, when and as I go into
a memory as energy instead of self-reflection, to stop, breathe and
remind myself the energetic response is a trace of the past I am
re-living or reacting to and that what I'm experiencing as
emotions/feelings is actually not here and thus is not real.
I commit myself to investigate my past
memories and forgive myself for whatever I find in them in order to
discharge the energetic value I have assigned for my memories.
I commit myself to stop assigning
things values as I now see and realize everything is of the same
value and to believe otherwise is to create and live in an illusion.
I commit myself to question the things
I see to be “of value”.
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