Day 65: Letters from a past self

23 & 25112012

I realized there's not much I remember from the past 9 months. It might be because it's still too close a past to come together and back then I didn't write as much as I do now to structure things out, but it might also be something else - I suspect an energy possession called “love”. As I was cleaning up an old bag I was still using then (I switched a couple of months back) I came across a stack of writings I had done at work on small note pads during a couple of months' period of time. As the paper space was limited the writings aren't that extensive, but they allow me a small peek into my thoughts during last winter and spring.

What I found out was that I was apparently really, really happy. I was going through an experience of “falling in love” no matter how I tried to bring myself to earth – it was unavoidable because of my starting point. I thought I was further down the road than I already was. I was also writing in terms of spiritualization I would no longer use, as I've started to see the falsities they're built upon. It seems that how I perceive my reality has changed quite drastically. Also, some longer writings were written through now obvious personas, meaning that my writings were partly dishonest and not written for myself.

As I was going through this material from not so long ago I went through some melancholy, sadness, and felt an odd disconnection from my reality right here around me. I looked at my apartment, which had just a moment ago felt completely normal, through some odd veil of “things not being the way they used to be”. It was like I was seeing the past as it was and as I was, and looking at my reality and myself now and judging it to be “less meaningful”, “less of value”, “less fulfilling” etc. But then I realized it's a trick and started to breathe again. Kind of a relief, but not in the energetic kind of way – just allowing myself to breathe again instead of trapping myself in the mind was a physical release.

This is really interesting in many ways. The experience of melancholy I shortly went through there is very familiar to me, as I've basically been living as melancholy all of my life. Usually I have simply dwelled in it, spending days and days just regretting things and living in past moments and missing people, not having a moment of stability, spiritualizing the past, present and future and feeling like “there's something missing” from my life. It's been an awful way to live, no wait, it hasn't really even been living. I've been dreaming – I've trapped myself into a nightmare of self-abuse. It was alarming to see a glimpse of it just now, yet I am glad I'm no longer there.

What I also find fascinating are the writings, because they give me a small indicator of where I've been less than a year ago and what the exact change has been. I still find myself going into regret because I feel like I've wasted and ruined so many opportunities over the years because of the mess I have been, but this is where I have to remind myself I couldn't have been anything else than what I was. Things went how they went, I chose to face myself when I did and there is nothing, absolutely nothing I can do about the past, except correcting misunderstandings. What I can do is do what I can right here, right now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the energetic experience of “falling in love” as completely losing myself to the associated energy and accepting and allowing myself to be possessed and directed by it.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is justified to “fall in love” because it feels nice for a while and it is widely accepted by my surroundings.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek the experience of “falling in love” as escapism and comfort, not realizing I cannot escape my reality and myself no matter how uncomfortable their facing may be.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify “falling in love” with the desire to team up with someone, not realizing a part of the reason I have been seeking a partner has been the fact that I do not want to / do not trust myself to be able to face the world alone.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify “falling in love” with the belief that some forms of human contact [I'll keep on expanding on this one] are exclusive to romantic relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write from a starting point of fear as I have been trying to portray a character through my writings even if they weren't meant to be published – meaning I have been afraid to face myself through my writings.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my characters to be who I am.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question my characters as I have been afraid to be without them even in private writing.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not clarify my starting point even when writing to myself only, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to share writings that have been written from the starting point of self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spiritualize things in my writings and thus use writing as a way to magnify and glorify my experiences and justify it by thinking “writing is art”.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use “art” as a justification to write dishonestly.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse the tool of writing for purposes of self-interest, deluding myself through writing by creating images with words that magnified and glorified my actual experience, and that I have justified this by thinking “I'm a good writer” (= I am “special” and thus “able to” use words in such a manner). [An interesting point I should expand.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself into the past and physically disconnect myself from the reality by not breathing as I do this, and as a result go into energetic experiences of sadness and regret because the past I project myself to appears as “better” than my reality, which is not true but only my perception of the past through glorifying the past in comparison to what is here.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my past and my present, not realizing there is no point in comparing them because the other I can affect and the other I cannot – the comparison might be valid if I could change both, but that is not the case.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe my past to have been “better” than my present, not realizing my perception is filtered through emotion and is thus not a valid reflection and assessment on my past.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose breath by projecting myself into the past and reacting to what I see with emotion, thus going into the mind and giving up my directive principle of myself in the physical to my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself in melancholy by missing people I am not in contact with at the moment and/or perceive myself unable to be in contact with in the future.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there are people I cannot contact even if I wanted to, not realizing this is not valid unless those people are physically dead.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself into past situations where I am with someone when in actuality I am not with them in the present, not realizing that as I do this I create a want/need/desire to that which I perceive with my mind to be “missing” from my present as I compare the past and the present.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my want/need/desire to be “impossible” to fulfill as I believe I cannot contact the person I'm “missing”, and thus react with sadness and regret to the unfulfilled desire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself in melancholy by glorifying past events and labeling them “special” and thus missing the events and judging my current moment as “less than” the past events.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself in melancholy by regretting my past actions/inactions as I perceive they cannot be changed, not realizing that even though the actual past situations cannot be changed most misunderstandings can be corrected, and thus the harm that the misunderstandings keep on causing can be stopped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste a lot of time being trapped in melancholy, as I have not realized that I could simply STOP at any given moment and decide to take the first step out of my self-created misery by carrying responsibility for it.

I commit myself to investigate the movements within me as the relationship system that lead to the experience of “falling in love” and further expand them through writing.

I commit myself, when and as I go into the experience of “falling in love” [not likely, but committing myself to it anyway], to stop, breathe and remind myself the experience serves as escapism and nothing more.

I commit myself to show myself in practical moment-to-moment living that I am in fact able to face the world alone, as I now see, realize and understand I would have to face it alone even if I was with someone.

As I now see, realize and understand that writing from within a character, if not intended for whatever purposes, is dishonest and will not assist and support me or anyone reading them in my/their process of living self-honesty, I commit myself to stop writing from within characters even in writings that are not meant to be published.

I commit myself to further investigate the “I'm a good writer” character.

I commit myself to support and assist myself to be self-honest about my starting point when writing by returning myself to breath before I begin to write, by focusing on my breath as I write and by reading through what I wrote within/as breath.

I commit myself to realize the act of comparison is not valid if it has no practical purpose.

As I now see, realize and understand there is nothing I can do to affect or change my past and that the only point of my existence I can affect and change is HERE; I commit myself to focus on my present moment and to support and assist myself with this by stabilizing myself within and as breath; and I commit myself to let go of the past and to support and assist myself with this through self-honest writing.