18-19112012
As I have since 12 years old been often
approached and hit on by the kind of men/women who would simply
submit to me, and as I made the mistake a couple of times to go into
such a relationship, I learned to say no to those kinds of people. I
saw that the relationship would lead nowhere as the other one was not
prepared to see us as equals, and I had no idea how to address that.
I guess I just didn't have the words for what I was experiencing plus
my self-expression was really stuck. This is why I started to look
for a person who would be “worthy of me” or “enough for me”
in contrast to those who made themselves “less than” me (= less
than themselves).
As I used the words “worthy” and
“enough” what I initially meant was someone equal instead of the
people who made themselves inferior, but I did not consider what
those words actually mean and thus the negative connotations took
over. As the feedback I had received from the submissive people was
all about compliments and lifting me up, I learned that I indeed am
somehow superior – and thus deserve a mate who's superior as well.
And so, as I looked for someone
superior to match my superiority, I passed many opportunities to even
consider some people as “qualified” partners. It was kind of a
good thing to learn to avoid those who I knew to lead to destruction,
but I now see it has been an act of fear, because the issues I saw
could have been addressed instead of believing the ones who submit
are somehow lesser people and not worthy communicating to. I did not
even try to see them as equals as they made themselves unequal. So to
clarify: I was courted by people who saw themselves as less than me
and wanted to latch onto me (or so I perceived), I realized this kind
of a setting does not work, reacted with fear as I did not know how
to communicate, and thus created a separation of alfas and betas and
only accepted the alfas – although, as I've realized, I was also
really afraid of the alfa-type people and never approached them in
any way. Lol, have I driven myself into a corner.
It's been an odd situation I've been
in. I've seen myself superior to those who surrounded me and wanted
something “more”, but when that “more” would have been
available I have made myself incredibly small. The only reason I have
believed myself to be superior has been the feedback of others, but
when that has been removed I have become my insecure “self”
again. So what the betas originally saw in me, which probably was
something genuine, turned into a persona of confidence instead of
being stability.
So what happened with my latest attempt
at a relationship/agreement is that when we got to know each other
his feedback came across as actually constructive and supportive
instead of the usual bullshit, and I was overwhelmed because I had
never experienced such before. Thus I misinterpreted him to be that
“superior person” I had been looking for, and that I no longer
“had to” search for one, but then as my confidence was only a
mask it crumbled as I was not supported by someone who'd lift me up –
and thus I was no longer superior and saw myself to be “less”
than the value I had assigned him. Fascinating.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself, when and as I have experienced another to submit
to me, to not communicate my experience to another so that I could
conclude whether my perception was accurate or not and how the
situation could be directed - thus I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to instead not communicate my experience
as I believed I did not know how to and was so afraid of failing I
did not even try.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to, instead of communicating about my discomfort
with these kind of people, deny myself from getting involved with them in
order to avoid conflict.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself, when and as there has been conflict because of
the starting point of inequality, to interpret the conflict as
something “bad” that ought to be avoided and refuse to deal with
it and instead cease my relations to the person involved.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe conflict is “bad”, meaning
something that should not be experienced and would be wise to avoid,
not realizing that once the starting point is off conflict is
unavoidable, and that before getting into any relations my starting
point should be clear to myself, as there are always two people in a
relationship and the responsibility belongs to both.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to perceive conflict as a mere nuisance, not
realizing the point of conflict is to indicate something is off and
is thus a most constructive thing to face as it is a place to learn.
--
[The following concerns mainly a
certain guy from junior high school whom I still feel bad about.]
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe the people who approached me to have
been submissive simply because by the surrounding social environment
they were considered as “betas”, not realizing I have made
guesses based on appearances and limited myself according to my
guesswork.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe my guesswork, not realizing I'm
filtering information based on my perception of reality and shaping
it into a picture in my mind and believing all this to be the actual
reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not approach the “betas” because I was
afraid of being ridiculed by others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to consider the perception and opinion of others
before making choices regarding my relationships.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe the perception and opinion of others is
an authority over me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to limit my participation in relationships because
I was afraid of being secluded from others - I forgive myself that I
have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to others
and limit myself from acting in a way others might perceive
unacceptable as I have been afraid to lose them and consequently lose
“myself” as the self-image I created through others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to adopt the perception of others and act
according to it unquestioned.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself, when and as I have adopted the perception of
others, to relate myself to the “betas” accordingly – when I
saw them to be “ridiculous” I saw myself as something “more”
that had the right to judge – and thus live as inequality and
separation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to mistreat others as I have defended myself by
becoming abusive as I have been afraid to end up in the losing end of
the deal again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to mistreat others because I used to be bullied
and was afraid it would happen again but now had a chance to not be
bullied by agreeing with the bullies on who they disliked and bullied
instead of me.
[Enough rambling, back on track.]
--
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe a person has to be “good enough” to
be in a relationship with me – indicating that I believed myself to
have the right to evaluate and judge others to see if they “amounted”
to me – indicating that I saw myself to be “better” than most
people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that my perception of myself as a
“superior” was a defense mechanism, as I was afraid of being put
down again – for all of my life I had perceived the world to “put
me down” when in fact I was making myself smaller – and would not
face others from a starting point of equality as I perceived that to
be a vulnerable state.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe the cause of my fear is in other
people, as I blamed them for not being trustworthy, believing the
world harms me instead of realizing I accept and allow myself to be
harmed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that as I perceive myself to be
“superior” to others I live as inequality and separation, and
justify that by believing I was “special” based on the feedback
of others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to cling onto the feedback of others as what
defines me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself from within my insecurity and fear to see the
feedback of others as a source of energy and cling onto it as my
savior.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to feed my ego with the energy I have received
when another gives me positive feedback or a compliment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that when I receive feedback from
others it is a place to learn of myself and the other and the
relationship between us, an that this learning has nothing to do with
the mind, ego or energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not see all people and all life as one and
equal because I have been afraid to see myself as one and equal
because I perceived equality to be a state that is “less” than
how I saw myself (my self-image of “superiority”).
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that as I have
kept myself way up high in my ivory tower of ego, the tower has been
an illusion – I was never actually higher than anyone, as I have
always been exactly equal to all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe I cannot have relations to people who I
perceive to be “less” than me, as I would then be making myself
“less” [I'm starting to locate a “royalty persona” - this is
how the rulers of human history have perceived themselves to be –
I've been living as a fucking Marie Antoinette, if only for a little
while].
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe I need to find someone who is “of my
kin”, meaning someone who I perceive to be as superior as I
perceive myself, not realizing all of this is interpreted through my
twisted perception of fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize what I actually wanted was someone
who would not make himself smaller than me, and that what I
originally longed for was the company of an equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to misinterpret my longing of someone equal into
wanting someone “as good as me” as I have as a defense mechanism
created a perception of myself that was “better than others”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to perceive people as “worthy” and “not
worthy”, indicating that I saw others to have the responsibility to
come to me and prove their “worth”, myself not having that
responsibility at all, as my job was just to be the “superior”
one who everyone gathered around.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not be active and search for possible partners
for myself as I have waited for them to come around and approach me
by themselves as I have believed that's what “the others” do –
I have believed the world of relationships to be based on one
requesting and another one granting.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize my perception of relationships has
been illogical and dysfunctioning, always looking for someone else to
blame, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to not question my perception of relationships as I have believed
what I have learned as a child to be true.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to perceive equality as vulnerability.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to perceive other people as pictures of “worthiness”
instead of actually facing them and learning who they are.
I commit myself to realize equality and
oneness is not a state of “strength” or “weakness”, but a
state where polarities like this do not exist.
I commit myself to show myself in
practical living that seeing myself as one and equal to all is not a
state of vulnerability as I have believed, and I commit myself to
support and assist myself to do this by stabilizing myself here in
breath as my directive principle.
I commit myself to realize past events
are no longer here and that to not forgive myself for them is to hold
on to the past, and thus I commit myself to investigate my past and
forgive myself for my past in order to let go and live HERE instead
of the past.
I commit myself to re-learn
communication by investigating the reasons why I stopped
communicating and the blocks I created and by moving myself in the
physical through my resistance to communicate, as I now see and
realize I am in fact a very expressive being and that communication
is vital to me.
I commit myself to further investigate
and write about how I have experienced the feedback of others in my
life.
I commit myself to further investigate
and write about the memories related to this point of superiority
personality.
I commit myself to further investigate
and write about how I have built myself upon others.
I commit myself to support and assist
myself to face all beings as one and equal to myself by stabilizing
myself to stand within and as myself within and as breath in each and
every moment and encounter, and by reminding myself I have my share
of responsibility to carry in establishing equality as I can only
live as equality to those I see as one and equal to myself.
I commit myself to actually face and
get to know people by establishing a real contact with them in the
physical, such as eye contact, as I now see and realize I have
avoided facing most of the people I have come across because of false
guesswork which has been the result of being afraid to face others.
These points obviously need more opening up, so I will get back to them in more specificity.
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