maanantai 19. marraskuuta 2012

Days 58-59: “finally someone worthy of me”


18-19112012

As I have since 12 years old been often approached and hit on by the kind of men/women who would simply submit to me, and as I made the mistake a couple of times to go into such a relationship, I learned to say no to those kinds of people. I saw that the relationship would lead nowhere as the other one was not prepared to see us as equals, and I had no idea how to address that. I guess I just didn't have the words for what I was experiencing plus my self-expression was really stuck. This is why I started to look for a person who would be “worthy of me” or “enough for me” in contrast to those who made themselves “less than” me (= less than themselves).

As I used the words “worthy” and “enough” what I initially meant was someone equal instead of the people who made themselves inferior, but I did not consider what those words actually mean and thus the negative connotations took over. As the feedback I had received from the submissive people was all about compliments and lifting me up, I learned that I indeed am somehow superior – and thus deserve a mate who's superior as well.

And so, as I looked for someone superior to match my superiority, I passed many opportunities to even consider some people as “qualified” partners. It was kind of a good thing to learn to avoid those who I knew to lead to destruction, but I now see it has been an act of fear, because the issues I saw could have been addressed instead of believing the ones who submit are somehow lesser people and not worthy communicating to. I did not even try to see them as equals as they made themselves unequal. So to clarify: I was courted by people who saw themselves as less than me and wanted to latch onto me (or so I perceived), I realized this kind of a setting does not work, reacted with fear as I did not know how to communicate, and thus created a separation of alfas and betas and only accepted the alfas – although, as I've realized, I was also really afraid of the alfa-type people and never approached them in any way. Lol, have I driven myself into a corner.

It's been an odd situation I've been in. I've seen myself superior to those who surrounded me and wanted something “more”, but when that “more” would have been available I have made myself incredibly small. The only reason I have believed myself to be superior has been the feedback of others, but when that has been removed I have become my insecure “self” again. So what the betas originally saw in me, which probably was something genuine, turned into a persona of confidence instead of being stability.

So what happened with my latest attempt at a relationship/agreement is that when we got to know each other his feedback came across as actually constructive and supportive instead of the usual bullshit, and I was overwhelmed because I had never experienced such before. Thus I misinterpreted him to be that “superior person” I had been looking for, and that I no longer “had to” search for one, but then as my confidence was only a mask it crumbled as I was not supported by someone who'd lift me up – and thus I was no longer superior and saw myself to be “less” than the value I had assigned him. Fascinating.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I have experienced another to submit to me, to not communicate my experience to another so that I could conclude whether my perception was accurate or not and how the situation could be directed - thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead not communicate my experience as I believed I did not know how to and was so afraid of failing I did not even try.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, instead of communicating about my discomfort with these kind of people, deny myself from getting involved with them in order to avoid conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as there has been conflict because of the starting point of inequality, to interpret the conflict as something “bad” that ought to be avoided and refuse to deal with it and instead cease my relations to the person involved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe conflict is “bad”, meaning something that should not be experienced and would be wise to avoid, not realizing that once the starting point is off conflict is unavoidable, and that before getting into any relations my starting point should be clear to myself, as there are always two people in a relationship and the responsibility belongs to both.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive conflict as a mere nuisance, not realizing the point of conflict is to indicate something is off and is thus a most constructive thing to face as it is a place to learn.


--
[The following concerns mainly a certain guy from junior high school whom I still feel bad about.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the people who approached me to have been submissive simply because by the surrounding social environment they were considered as “betas”, not realizing I have made guesses based on appearances and limited myself according to my guesswork.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my guesswork, not realizing I'm filtering information based on my perception of reality and shaping it into a picture in my mind and believing all this to be the actual reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not approach the “betas” because I was afraid of being ridiculed by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider the perception and opinion of others before making choices regarding my relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the perception and opinion of others is an authority over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my participation in relationships because I was afraid of being secluded from others - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to others and limit myself from acting in a way others might perceive unacceptable as I have been afraid to lose them and consequently lose “myself” as the self-image I created through others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adopt the perception of others and act according to it unquestioned.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I have adopted the perception of others, to relate myself to the “betas” accordingly – when I saw them to be “ridiculous” I saw myself as something “more” that had the right to judge – and thus live as inequality and separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mistreat others as I have defended myself by becoming abusive as I have been afraid to end up in the losing end of the deal again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mistreat others because I used to be bullied and was afraid it would happen again but now had a chance to not be bullied by agreeing with the bullies on who they disliked and bullied instead of me.

[Enough rambling, back on track.]
--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe a person has to be “good enough” to be in a relationship with me – indicating that I believed myself to have the right to evaluate and judge others to see if they “amounted” to me – indicating that I saw myself to be “better” than most people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my perception of myself as a “superior” was a defense mechanism, as I was afraid of being put down again – for all of my life I had perceived the world to “put me down” when in fact I was making myself smaller – and would not face others from a starting point of equality as I perceived that to be a vulnerable state.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the cause of my fear is in other people, as I blamed them for not being trustworthy, believing the world harms me instead of realizing I accept and allow myself to be harmed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I perceive myself to be “superior” to others I live as inequality and separation, and justify that by believing I was “special” based on the feedback of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cling onto the feedback of others as what defines me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself from within my insecurity and fear to see the feedback of others as a source of energy and cling onto it as my savior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed my ego with the energy I have received when another gives me positive feedback or a compliment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I receive feedback from others it is a place to learn of myself and the other and the relationship between us, an that this learning has nothing to do with the mind, ego or energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see all people and all life as one and equal because I have been afraid to see myself as one and equal because I perceived equality to be a state that is “less” than how I saw myself (my self-image of “superiority”).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that as I have kept myself way up high in my ivory tower of ego, the tower has been an illusion – I was never actually higher than anyone, as I have always been exactly equal to all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I cannot have relations to people who I perceive to be “less” than me, as I would then be making myself “less” [I'm starting to locate a “royalty persona” - this is how the rulers of human history have perceived themselves to be – I've been living as a fucking Marie Antoinette, if only for a little while].

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need to find someone who is “of my kin”, meaning someone who I perceive to be as superior as I perceive myself, not realizing all of this is interpreted through my twisted perception of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize what I actually wanted was someone who would not make himself smaller than me, and that what I originally longed for was the company of an equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misinterpret my longing of someone equal into wanting someone “as good as me” as I have as a defense mechanism created a perception of myself that was “better than others”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive people as “worthy” and “not worthy”, indicating that I saw others to have the responsibility to come to me and prove their “worth”, myself not having that responsibility at all, as my job was just to be the “superior” one who everyone gathered around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be active and search for possible partners for myself as I have waited for them to come around and approach me by themselves as I have believed that's what “the others” do – I have believed the world of relationships to be based on one requesting and another one granting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize my perception of relationships has been illogical and dysfunctioning, always looking for someone else to blame, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question my perception of relationships as I have believed what I have learned as a child to be true.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive equality as vulnerability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive other people as pictures of “worthiness” instead of actually facing them and learning who they are.



I commit myself to realize equality and oneness is not a state of “strength” or “weakness”, but a state where polarities like this do not exist.

I commit myself to show myself in practical living that seeing myself as one and equal to all is not a state of vulnerability as I have believed, and I commit myself to support and assist myself to do this by stabilizing myself here in breath as my directive principle.

I commit myself to realize past events are no longer here and that to not forgive myself for them is to hold on to the past, and thus I commit myself to investigate my past and forgive myself for my past in order to let go and live HERE instead of the past.

I commit myself to re-learn communication by investigating the reasons why I stopped communicating and the blocks I created and by moving myself in the physical through my resistance to communicate, as I now see and realize I am in fact a very expressive being and that communication is vital to me.

I commit myself to further investigate and write about how I have experienced the feedback of others in my life.

I commit myself to further investigate and write about the memories related to this point of superiority personality.

I commit myself to further investigate and write about how I have built myself upon others.

I commit myself to support and assist myself to face all beings as one and equal to myself by stabilizing myself to stand within and as myself within and as breath in each and every moment and encounter, and by reminding myself I have my share of responsibility to carry in establishing equality as I can only live as equality to those I see as one and equal to myself.

I commit myself to actually face and get to know people by establishing a real contact with them in the physical, such as eye contact, as I now see and realize I have avoided facing most of the people I have come across because of false guesswork which has been the result of being afraid to face others.


These points obviously need more opening up, so I will get back to them in more specificity.

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