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This post is a continuation to:
Part 2 – Choosing a partner
The relationship game teaches that
choosing a partner is about looking for people that are “right”
for us, “good” for us, on the “same level” with us, about
looking for a person with whom the positive energy
explosions would be to the maximum and negative ones to the minimum,
not realizing it's not about that at all. I have not put thought into
how I have chosen a partner as I have not really known what I have
chosen them for as I have not understood what relationships
are. I have been mainly following my feelings of attraction towards
another, never questioning what attraction is or where it comes from.
I still don't have an answer for that, but I now have a clearer view
on what a relationship is as a relation between two subjects.
Basically it's an agreement where people together agree on the
purpose of the relationship and then live according to it. So
choosing a partner is to choose someone with whom it is possible to
together create a common fundamental, agree on it and live according
to it. A simplified example would be that of a relationship between
me and a shirt: I need something to keep my upper body warm and the
purpose of a shirt is to do exactly that as it is cut and sewn that
way, and so amidst a pile of clothes I pick a shirt instead of, say,
a glove or a pair of pants. This is where I form a relationship where
the alliance of two subjects serves a common goal. (Except that the
shirt can't really speak for itself so I can't be sure, lol, but you
get the point.)
One thing I have not realized before is
how what I wrote about in part 1 about waiting around for a
permission to explore relationships has affected the way I choose a
partner. The thing is, I haven't really chosen anyone of them, not in
the way I have believed. As I have waited around for someone to come
to me and accept me and kept waiting around for years, building up
desperation and frustration, when someone actually for the first time
came up to me I took that chance without a second thought. “What,
you're seriously up for this? Hell yeah, let's do it, where do I
sign”, lol, you know, just completely diving head-in. As I've now
backtraced my past relationships I've noticed I have done this every
time. When being approached I have seized the chance to be in a
relationship without considering whether the person is someone I'd
choose if I had a choice, as I perceived myself to not have a choice.
The desperation and fear of ending up alone have driven me to take up
most opportunities even though I haven't really wanted to; not all
of them though, as I did learn in time it was a bad idea. In some
later cases I have even resisted being involved, but felt compelled
to for reasons I could not explain and went with it anyway.
So this has lead me into situations
where I have been involved with people half-heartedly. Not to say
there was nothing good about those relationships, no, but as my
starting point was always fear none of them would have been able to
last. I now see and realize I do have a choice and I do have a say.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to create relationships I have known from the
start or very early on that I do not want to be involved in.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to want to be in a relationship because the other
one so suggests.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not want to disappoint another by refusing an
offer to create a relationship as I have been afraid of their
possible reaction as I would have then blamed myself for it.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the responsibility of the reactions of others is not mine even though I may have contributed to the situation that triggers them.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear another would react to my refusal with aggression. [There's something more behind my fear of aggression that relates to my father, but I have to go through that separately.]
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear another would react to my refusal with disappointment as their hopes and expectations are not met, believing myself to be the cause of another's suffering, not realizing one creates one's experience of suffering all by oneself as one builds up hopes and expectations.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for the self-caused suffering of others as I have seen somebody has to carry responsibility for the suffering.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to create a want/need/desire for a relationship as
I have been curious about it but seen myself unable to simply go and
try it as I've seen it to be something that is “out of my reach”,
and thus because of the inner conflict of limiting my self-expression
as curiosity create the want/need/desire as a response to the “lack”
of that which I wanted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not question my want/need/desire for a
relationship and believe it to be valid as I saw everyone else doing
it too, and thus accumulate it into a point where the fear of not
getting what I want turned into aggression as frustration,
desperation and blame.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself as a result of the accumulated emotion energy to
accept another's offer to be involved in a relationship as a release
of the accumulated energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize my starting point for most of my
relationships has been to release the desire/fear energy I have been
accumulating.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that as my starting point for a
relationship has mostly been to release the accumulated energy and
the release has always happened one way or another, I have never
questioned my starting point or considered why I'm in a relationship
at all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not question my starting point for creating a
relationship as I always got the release I was looking for and
believed the relationships ended because we were not “right” for
each other, not realizing they were bound to end because of my (and
the other's) starting point.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there to be “right” partners and “wrong” partners, not realizing a relationship as a commitment is possible with anyone as long as the starting point is clear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that even though my environment
supports my starting point for relationships as a release of energy,
it might still not be valid.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not question the way my environment creates and
participates in relationships and live according to its example.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that even when I had become aware
of the relationship game and the fact that relationships are fucked
up, I was still living according to the game, not seeing how I
participated in creating the fuck-up and blaming the world for it
instead of carrying responsibility myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to live as dishonesty and self-dishonesty as I
have participated in a relationship I was not committed to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to lie to myself and to another as an attempt to
ignore my actual experience and force myself into becoming the image
I wanted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear letting a person “slip” if I do not
take the chance to create a relationship when it's being offered to
me, believing that the person is somehow “special” and that I
will regret letting him go in the future and that the chance offered
is one-time only.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe another's offer for a relationship to be one-time only as I have perceived others alone to hold the power to make the offer instead of seeing myself as an equal initiator able to make an offer in the future if I am then willing to.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that as I refuse an offer I do “damage” that is “irreparable” and cause the chance to be one-time only, because the other one reacts to my refusal in a negative way and I perceive myself to have ”damaged” or “broken” something within the other / between us.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a “heart breaker” and feel sad about it after some occasions where I had to turn down some relationship proposals, not realizing that as I feel sad about the definition I state that I'm powerless to do anything about it and abdicate my responsibility over my self-created definition.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear I will regret something in the future, not
realizing I cannot possibly know what I face in the future and that
if I experience regret it is of my own creation; I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within
the fear of regretting something in the future I fear the experience
of regret as an uncomfortable sensation, and as I fear my own
experience I refuse to see I create it and am responsible for it; I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize
the fear of possible future regret is just an excuse/justification to
hold on to something that would be uncomfortable to let go.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe the people who propose a relationship
to be “special” and thus hold on to them, not realizing I
perceive them that way because they have given me the
acceptance/permission I have defined as “special”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to define the acceptance (permission to enter a
relationship) as “special” because it was rare and something I
perceived myself unable to do myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe myself to be separate from “the
others” (potential mates) as I perceived them to have an “ability”
(to initiate) I did not have.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to live as self-abuse and self-neglect as I have
ignored my actual experience and overridden it with what I wanted
myself to be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to want to be interested in and committed to
another person because I feared I would end up alone if I didn't take
the opportunity that the other was offering me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that as I have tried to be
interested in and committed to another in spite of my actual
experience, which was to not see this to be a choice that would be in
accordance with who I am, I have lived out a self-compromise not
realizing a compromise is not a solution.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to force myself to become something I'm not just
to fit the image of a relationship I had created in my mind, not
realizing that all the while I force myself I resist that which I'm
trying to change into and that behind resistance there is a reason,
valid or not, that needs to be examined.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to try to become the image I have perceived others
to see/want to see in me because I have feared not living up to what
I perceived another to expect of me as I have feared they would then
react and leave me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe I have chosen my partners fully aware
of what I'm doing, not realizing I have actually just wanted to
believe I was making rational choices while not actually knowing what
it is to choose within awareness.
I commit myself to carry my
responsibility over the choices I have made and will make, be they
poorly or well considered.
I commit myself to no longer get
involved in relationships I know from the start to not be in
accordance with who I am and lead to compromise.
I commit myself to realize I am one and
equal to everyone, whether we're involved in a relationship or not,
as I now see and realize that as beings of Life and creation we are
all one and equal as we are the same in essence.
I commit myself to realize we all have
the same capacity for self-expression and that no action is out of my
reach, excluding physical limitations.
I commit myself to no longer compromise
myself in order to be that which I perceive to be expected of me, as
I now see and realize I am then living according to images in my mind
instead of living according to the physical.
I commit myself to no longer utilize
relationships as a place solely for releasing energy.
Awesome deconstruction Emmi
VastaaPoista