14112012
I have discovered two new major points
that intertwine so much that I'll now write about where I've gotten
with both and continue separately depending on where I go from here.
I have been working my way back to
being here for a while now. As I have been facing the fact that I am
alone within my experience and that I will always be just me, I have
been slowed down by the fear of being by myself / fear of loneliness.
I've gone through this fear from the perspective that I actually do
not have anything to fear in myself, which has been good to do, but I
have missed something essential about the fear of loneliness. I
realized it's the result of a lifetime of projecting myself onto
others. I have lived outside of myself for my entire life, defining
myself according to the people I'm surrounded by.
I realized this by testing out asking
myself when with another person: “Who am I with this person?”
instead of “Who is this person?”. The results were instant. I saw
myself acting on autopilot all the time. When I asked myself “who
am I here” I grew more aware of myself, my movements, my voice, my
body as a whole – my being as a whole – for some short moments
being actually in control of my movements without the mind
in-between. Obviously I can't keep on asking this one question for my
entire life and believe that to be a solution, but it is a step that
takes me closer to stability.
So what I need to do with this point in
addition to practical application is to go through my past major
relationships, such as parents, siblings, partners, friends and
teachers/mentors, to see how exactly I have projected myself and
lived outside of myself through others. I have once had an
opportunity to actually face this point: When my last long
relationship ended a few years ago I was crushed by the fear of
loneliness. Back then all of what I had been crumbled and I was in a
state where I faced myself for the first time since childhood – but
as I gave in to the experience of emotional pain I didn't go through
with it completely and instead turned to spiritualism as escapism.
Now I'm back at a similar point and have a chance of dealing with it
properly. I see I'm living one big time loop and don't want to do
that anymore.
The other major point I've been opening
up is passiveness. I've received feedback for years about it: “You
seem distant”, “you're a loner, aren't you”, “Emmi's such an
independent woman”, “I wish you'd open up to me”, “please
talk to me”, “I've always thought you're a kind of a hermit that
doesn't want to be disturbed”, you know, being silent, secluded,
solitary, mysterious and withdrawn. I've believed that's who I am.
I've believed the mysterious loner persona to be my true self, that
it is my “nature” to be silent.
I've now realized that is not the case.
The thing is, I have for a long time believed that if I do not have
an impulse to act – such as a desire or a need or a clear objective
– there's no reason for me to act. Thus I have moved only when
there's a clear goal for it, which has been quite rare. The rest of
the time I have not moved and nothing has happened. I've created a
personality to justify not moving: the “I don't care” or “I
don't have to” personality.
I have not realized movement is just
movement, that it happens for the sake of moving and doesn't require
an energetic impulse. Thus I have not shared, expressed or
communicated myself to others, because “I didn't have to” or “I
didn't have a reason to”, not realizing what it actually is to
share, express and communicate myself as I am. This personality has
been a convenient place to hide and avoid facing my fears because no
one has ever questioned it – it has been “who I am” in the eyes
of others as well as mine.
I've been testing this in practice by
facing customers at work. I have hated small-talk as I've perceived
it to be talking useless shit just out of politeness, but I've
realized those small conversations are not like that if I don't live
them that way. So I've first worked with the first point I wrote
about – who am I with this person – and then examined
conversation as movement, which has led to some small and enjoyable
conversations with customers. As I don't initiate the conversation
out of fear but as pure movement, it doesn't become that pretended
“niceness”.
I'll start out with some
self-forgiveness and see where it takes me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to become secluded by not sharing, expressing and
communicating myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize all movement is self-expression -
expressing who I am in the moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to refrain from conversation because I have
believed I have no reason to move myself, ending up just listening
and not participating.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not share, express and communicate myself as I
have believed I have no reason to move myself if the movement has no
clear goal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe I require an energetic experience to
move myself, not realizing that too serves a goal - to acquire what I
desire and avoid what I fear – instead of being movement for the
sake of movement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize moving oneself for the sake of
movement is enjoyable in itself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to despise small-talk because of how I've
experienced it both as a customer and a server, not realizing I have
made those experiences uncomfortable for myself by succumbing to the
fake politeness instead of fulfilling my part in the interaction by
standing up and communicating within and as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe I am “by nature” silent, withdrawn
and solitary.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to justify not moving by believing it is “who I
am”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to justify nothing happening by blaming the world
for it, not carrying my responsibility at all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize the connection between not moving
and nothing happening.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself, when I have realised my lack of movement is a
problem, to fall into self-blame, despair and powerlessness, not
realising I could simply move myself out of the situation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realise the solution to nothing happening
is to move myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to live as the “I don't care” personality, not
realizing the extent of the impact passiveness / not caring has on
the world as a whole.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that sharing, expressing and
communicating serves the single purpose of me living as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize how much I've suppressed and
limited myself by living as the “I don't care” personality.
I commit myself to further investigate
how I move within my reality.
I commit myself to further investigate
how I project myself onto others and live outside of myself.
I commit myself, when and as I project
myself onto others, to breathe and return myself here and investigate
how and why I projected myself away from myself.
I commit myself to investigate who I am
with different people in different situations in order to locate what
I'm accepting and allowing myself to live as.
I commit myself to further expand in
writing what I discover as I investigate these points.
I commit myself to practice my
breathing in order to return here and in time stabilize myself as my
directive principle.
I commit myself to walk these points
until they're done.
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