13112012
Due to recent events there has been an
emotional sensation I've identified as sadness in my chest since
yesterday. I first noticed it in the evening and it continued on
until I went to sleep – at some point it worsened and I had to talk
some things through with myself in order to release some of it – and
when I went to sleep I directed myself to consider these few hours of
sleep as resting time, because that's what my body requires, and that
I would continue dealing with my issues after I had taken care of my
physical needs. I slept well and when I woke up the sensation was
still there. Along the day the sensation moved as I processed the
underlying points in my mind, its route being from the center of the
chest to above my heart and into my entire left arm for a moment,
returning to the center where it still is, although not as “big”
as earlier. During the day I also noticed my body retreating into a
slouching position where I could not feel the sensation anymore, but
as I straightened my posture the sensation returned – an attempt to
suppress the experience.
I know what's causing it so I simply
stayed in breath, as I realized it is just a physical sensation, and
that to go with it would be to succumb to the mind, which is
something I've usually done in situations like this: allowed
myself to fall. I also realized that all I can do is accept the fact
that the sensation is there – that it is a sign of the underlying
issues I haven't yet gone through, and that to try to get rid of it
or ignore it would be to suppress the points that have stirred up. I
decided that I would simply breathe and let the sensation be for as
long as it takes for me to walk through and redirect the underlying
points, that it will vanish when I am done, and that as long as it's
there it serves as a reminder. I stand within and as myself as the
experience moves within me.
As I was within this state where
standing within myself consumed more energy than usual, I faced an
interesting point when my work partner came to work. We have a habit
of every morning asking each other how were doing, and I always try
to answer as honestly as possible, and also tell him if I see
he's lying – of which he's never offended, which I am
grateful of. Now, this morning as I was facing this sensation of
sadness, when I was on my way to the kitchen to greet him I
anticipated the question “how are you” and went into panic. I
knew that I had to hold on to my commitment to be honest with him –
I simply have no choice now as there's no excuse I could make that would sound valid – and
yet I had no idea how I would explain the difficulties I'm going
through. The thought of having to voice my experience was
overwhelming.
I walked into the situation anyway,
determined to face the resistance. I had no time to plan any of it,
which was just what I needed, as I've been planning situations as
protection way too much. When he asked me how I'm doing I just
stopped, not knowing how to move myself. I hesitated and said I'm facing some difficulties. He asked
me to tell him more about it and I stopped again. He noticed I was
really struggling with myself as I was trying to push through resistance but couldn't, and he was really supportive about it. I realized I
need to go through the cause of this resistance before I can face
him, and so I walked away from the kitchen and wrote. I did some
self-forgiveness:
I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to feel sadness as I try to share my
experience of difficulty with another, fearing their reaction would
not be one of supporting me but supporting the system, not realizing
it is not their responsibility to support me but mine, and that what
I get out of sharing is not up to them but up to me.
I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to not realize the point of sharing is
not to receive support from another but to support myself as I
reflect my experience through others and cross-reference.
I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to anticipate what kind of support I will
receive and plan what I share accordingly, not accepting and allowing
myself to just share unplanned as who I am within that moment and
allow the situation to move according to that.
After this I was able to face him and
share what I was going through. At one point the sadness sensation in
my chest suddenly grew and I was on the verge of tears, but as I
returned myself to breath and stopped the experience, the
overwhelmingness of the tearful experience just vanished. I did not
note the exact experience (thought, word, image) that made the tears rise, which is too bad,
because now I don't know what caused it – it is a sign that I'm not
completely aligned with what I'm facing here – but I know I will
come across it again.
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