tiistai 13. marraskuuta 2012

Day 53: Facing sadness


Due to recent events there has been an emotional sensation I've identified as sadness in my chest since yesterday. I first noticed it in the evening and it continued on until I went to sleep – at some point it worsened and I had to talk some things through with myself in order to release some of it – and when I went to sleep I directed myself to consider these few hours of sleep as resting time, because that's what my body requires, and that I would continue dealing with my issues after I had taken care of my physical needs. I slept well and when I woke up the sensation was still there. Along the day the sensation moved as I processed the underlying points in my mind, its route being from the center of the chest to above my heart and into my entire left arm for a moment, returning to the center where it still is, although not as “big” as earlier. During the day I also noticed my body retreating into a slouching position where I could not feel the sensation anymore, but as I straightened my posture the sensation returned – an attempt to suppress the experience.

I know what's causing it so I simply stayed in breath, as I realized it is just a physical sensation, and that to go with it would be to succumb to the mind, which is something I've usually done in situations like this: allowed myself to fall. I also realized that all I can do is accept the fact that the sensation is there – that it is a sign of the underlying issues I haven't yet gone through, and that to try to get rid of it or ignore it would be to suppress the points that have stirred up. I decided that I would simply breathe and let the sensation be for as long as it takes for me to walk through and redirect the underlying points, that it will vanish when I am done, and that as long as it's there it serves as a reminder. I stand within and as myself as the experience moves within me.

As I was within this state where standing within myself consumed more energy than usual, I faced an interesting point when my work partner came to work. We have a habit of every morning asking each other how were doing, and I always try to answer as honestly as possible, and also tell him if I see he's lying – of which he's never offended, which I am grateful of. Now, this morning as I was facing this sensation of sadness, when I was on my way to the kitchen to greet him I anticipated the question “how are you” and went into panic. I knew that I had to hold on to my commitment to be honest with him – I simply have no choice now as there's no excuse I could make that would sound valid – and yet I had no idea how I would explain the difficulties I'm going through. The thought of having to voice my experience was overwhelming.

I walked into the situation anyway, determined to face the resistance. I had no time to plan any of it, which was just what I needed, as I've been planning situations as protection way too much. When he asked me how I'm doing I just stopped, not knowing how to move myself. I hesitated and said I'm facing some difficulties. He asked me to tell him more about it and I stopped again. He noticed I was really struggling with myself as I was trying to push through resistance but couldn't, and he was really supportive about it. I realized I need to go through the cause of this resistance before I can face him, and so I walked away from the kitchen and wrote. I did some self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sadness as I try to share my experience of difficulty with another, fearing their reaction would not be one of supporting me but supporting the system, not realizing it is not their responsibility to support me but mine, and that what I get out of sharing is not up to them but up to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the point of sharing is not to receive support from another but to support myself as I reflect my experience through others and cross-reference.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate what kind of support I will receive and plan what I share accordingly, not accepting and allowing myself to just share unplanned as who I am within that moment and allow the situation to move according to that.

After this I was able to face him and share what I was going through. At one point the sadness sensation in my chest suddenly grew and I was on the verge of tears, but as I returned myself to breath and stopped the experience, the overwhelmingness of the tearful experience just vanished. I did not note the exact experience (thought, word, image) that made the tears rise, which is too bad, because now I don't know what caused it – it is a sign that I'm not completely aligned with what I'm facing here – but I know I will come across it again.

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