maanantai 3. joulukuuta 2012

Days 72-73: Guilt, work and duty - part 4


From part 1: "I have just started an improvisation group with some friends and new friends. We had just had our first meeting and it had gone very well, but as I was on my way home I was struck by guilt. “How can you be doing something as useless as this when there's actual work to be done?”

As I started to write more specifically about what I was experiencing, I noticed that what it came down to was my relationship to work, leisure and responsibility, and also how I had viewed my father as a child – I was feeling guilty for doing something “useless”. I will now go through some dimensions of these issues."

-- What am I actually doing (self-honest assessment) --

At the moment one of my major time thieves is working to survive. I work 5 days a week 6 hours a day at a cafe – no more than that, which is awesome as I used to work a lot more – I survive just fine with this amount of work, and I'm glad I found a job that doesn't require me to work any more than that. This job is pretty much irrelevant concerning its contribution to the world's urgent demands, as cafes as well as restaurants are mostly just another manifestation of the search for comfort and escapism. It does offer me a chance to face a lot of people and my patterns and characters concerning this type of work, which is what I mainly utilize it for.

I also occasionally do extra work at a wine restaurant by washing dishes. This is no more than 15-25 hours a month, and again I utilize this work environment to face a very certain kind of a group of people and any points that surface among them. This is work I wouldn't need for my survival, but I'm doing it anyway because I was asked to and because I'm saving money for a trip I'm going to make next summer.

I've been asking myself whether this trip I'm planning is actually necessary. So far I've come to the conclusion that it's pretty much up to me to make it substantial – if the reason I do it is not to “go on a holiday”, I think it'll be a cool chance to learn. About what? I don't know. I guess I'll face it as it comes. Where I'm going is still open: I do know my primary location, as I have a chance to visit a friend at a place where one has few chances to go to and to be introduced to a completely different culture by someone who actually lives there. The rest of the trip is yet unplanned aside from who I'll be traveling with for some part.

Besides two jobs I also work unpaid for the amateur theatre I've been managing for some time. This consumes a lot of my time, as I currently work as an actor in two projects; I produce, costume, stage and make music for another play which I've also written; and I manage the position of the secretary, meaning I deal with some PR and paperwork. In the past I have been really overworked with my theatre responsibilities, and when this season began I tried not to take on too much – I did take on less than before, but I still feel like I'm doing way more than I should. The problem is I don't yet see whether or not the activity actually produces anything concrete, as I have just now started to question it. I'm starting to see how our theatre has been managed from such a starting point that creates conflict and separation, but as I'm already at an “influential position” I see that I have a chance to affect how things are run and what the policy is, and that just quitting now would be giving up and refusing to do anything about the issues I see. Whether the rest of the group is willing to co-operate is another issue, then. So I stay – I discuss – I do what is possible – and see how it goes.

Besides these I've been taking on independent studying, meaning I've started to read books (education sciences, theatre sciences, psychology, history, leadership), go through the Desteni material (articles and audio) and watch documentaries and movies on various subjects. I would like to study a lot more, but I simply don't have time for it – and I find this a problem. One reason I'm writing this segment is to see if there's some irrelevant activities I'm holding onto that could be let go of in favor of studying.

And I write. This takes surprisingly much time to do properly. I feel like my writing is very slow, and also because I've been writing out a lot of private stuff I'm not ready to publish I've been struggling to write both the private and the public stuff simultaneously, as well as keep up with the DIP Lite course – even though I write every day, I don't post into my blog every day, and the texts spread out on multiple days. I see this is a point in myself about expectations – trying to live up to some ideal that states how much I “should” write in a day. The fact that I write at least something and make progress is enough – at least I'm moving, even if it's just a little.


Alright. Now that I slept on it it's easier to see why I wanted to write about this in the first place. With the text above I wrote yesterday I was trying to convince myself that I'm doing “enough”. Assessing one's situation is a good thing to do, because one might be missing some really important and even obvious things simply by living within one's situation and never stopping to look at what's actually happening. However, I have lately been going into guilt for apparently “not doing enough” - and this is because I have created myself an ideal I push myself towards, not realizing that I will never reach that ideal as it morphs and grows more distant the more I move towards it. Even if I were to reach my ideal, I would soon create a new one to get that energy high of success again and again. So now as I've been making some changes in my life I'm facing a wall as the changes I've made are just not enough to reach my ideal image, even though they are good and necessary changes and probably the best I can do right now. Another thing is patience – wanting results right now instead of realizing it takes a lot of time and consistency to live out actual change.

So: I am glad I went through the assessment, because it gave me perspective on how I'm living my life right now – and I see what partly motivated me to do it, which I will now walk through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself and try to live up to an ideal as an image in my mind where everything I do undoubtedly supports and assist that which is best for all and where all of my time as minutes, hours and days is divided perfectly to those actions that need to be done – not realizing that by projecting myself into an image of perfection I will never reach perfection as then I am living as a two-dimensional image of perfection and not realizing what this “perfection” is in this multi-dimensional reality - and that perfection as a goal is in itself misleading as that which I am walking towards is not “flawlessness” as the word “perfect” would suggest but more of an awareness of each and every one of my actions and movements – returning myself to be the one who moves myself in every breath, which I've shown myself is not an unrealistic goal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an ideal image for myself by comparing myself to others by seeing in others what I perceive myself to lack - not realizing that as the act of comparison is not valid in this context – the goal of comparison being to deduce the differences and similarities between two objects, which does not apply here because it has already been deduced that each human being walks an individual process and within that stands as one and equal to all – the image is based on the fears and desires that drove me to do the comparison in the first place, and as the image is based on fear/desire it will in no way assist me in my process of returning myself to life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to become my ideal image and in that, fear that I will not become my ideal image, the fear of not reaching my goal containing the fear that I will be “left behind”, “not accepted”, “useless” and “judged”, and the desire of reaching my goal containing the desire to be “included”, “accepted”, “useful” and “praised” - not realizing that this fear/desire indicates that what I am without the image is “not enough”, which is why I reject myself by wanting to become someone else / fearing I will not become someone else – this being a sign that my goal to become my ideal as the refusal of myself is nothing but self-hate and fear of self and abdicating my responsibility of myself by not facing myself as I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape myself as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become by creating images I little by little push myself towards, not realizing that when I do not face myself as I am I will not be able to deduce what it is I can actually do – what is the “next step” I am able to take in my process to return myself to life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I cannot foresee how and where to I will walk my process, and that creating an image that dictates how and where to my process would go is thus a limitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to walk my process within and as self-honesty and self-support without the “guidelines” of a pre-determined ideal image.

When and as I notice myself comparing myself to others concerning my process as writing, studying and committing myself to action – I stop, breathe and realize the act of comparison is not valid in this context as all of our processes are individual and within that one and equal – I will then check my starting point for fear/desire, take note of the points I locate, forgive myself, make sure I am here within and as breath and carry on with what I was doing in the physical.

I commit myself to investigate the word “perfection” as how I have charged the word and what it links to.

I commit myself to no longer use the phrase “strive for perfection”, as I now see, realize and understand it contains a charge that I have used to abuse myself.

I commit myself to investigate the ways I have been living as self-hate, as I now see, realize and understand that it has been a major defining point for me for most of my life.

When and as I notice myself being impatient with myself, I commit myself to stop, bring myself here by focusing on my breath and take note of the thoughts that manifested impatience – I commit myself to walk through these points of impatience one by one in writing in order to support and assist myself to walk my process without pressuring myself.

I commit myself to build self-trust by stabilizing myself here within and as breath in order to be able to walk my process wherever it goes.

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