keskiviikko 11. syyskuuta 2013

Day 312: Hiding self-judgement under a positive mantra


Lately I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I have “failed” or “not done well enough” on some things. On a conscious level I've been thinking “I'm doing alright”, “that wasn't too bad”, “it doesn't matter that I [made a mistake]” - but in my secret mind on an unconscious level my experience has been “I'm not good enough.”

Today I saw how all these tiny little moments have accumulated up to a state of being where I'm physically in pain and do not want to even try doing anything of relevance and rather just keep myself entertained with useless stuff. I am living within and as the statement: “I won't succeed anyway.” I realized that I have created this state of being out of small moments of hidden self-judgement.

I can see how easy it would be to get stuck into this kind of a state of being, and that to me explains a great deal about people who become passivated. Why get off the couch if making an effort is never enough? Here I miss the fact that I am the one setting the measure of “enough” – which means that I can in fact change it.

I know that I've been doing reasonably well in my tasks lately, and not least because I'm allowing myself decent rest for the first time in at least a year. But the guilt is there. I'm not saying that guilt is entirely a bad thing – if nothing else, it serves as a reminder of things I would actually need to be doing sooner or later – but combined with self-judgement it's quite deadly.


Here I did specific self-forgiveness and commitments on each one of the points where I had been judging myself, and I will keep it private for now. Writing out the commitments I mapped out all of the points that have been "bubbling under" for the past couple of weeks, and in the posts to come I will be opening them up in more detail. A general SF statement from today sums it up:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cover up my self-judgement with a mantra that says “I'm OK”/”it's OK”, thinking this thought over and over again, not realizing that I am suppressing my actual experience of not being OK with myself by trying to override it with “positive thinking” and thus ignoring the actual issue.

It's quite interesting to see this because I have thought that I am "the kind of a person" who DOESN'T do this kind of positive thinking -mantra. When I laid out the multitude of situations from the past few weeks in front of me, the evidence was pretty hard to deny, lol. So it will be interesting to walk through this point.

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