20-21112013
In regards to what I wrote about
alcohol/socializing being a way to relax for me, I've been paying
attention to how and why I make my moment-to-moment living
uncomfortable / unenjoyable so that I need the release from “leisure”
to balance myself from the exhaustion I have created. So far I have
come across some points.
- Physical strain: either my backpack is too heavy or the wrong size for me, or my posture is not OK for sustainably carrying a heavy backpack while walking long distances. Also, my physical reading positions are rarely such where I would not end up in pain: I always eventually jam up my back and/or shoulders. As I write my shoulder muscles are currently in a very painful state.
- Partly because of the physical discomfort I tend to escape my breath-to-breath living into my mind. I usually think about a) past events, b) future events or c) imaginary events – stuff that doesn't exist anymore / yet / at all – and I do this over and over again without achieving any new insights with any of the recurring thoughts.
- A point I noticed while walking long distances was impatience. When there is some reason for me to feel impatient to “be there already” (e.g. be home already because I am hungry and I have food waiting for me) I escape my moment-to-moment living into the mind as described above, as if to distract myself from the discomfort that is here (such as hunger) to get me “faster” to my goal/destination. Even though this method makes it seem as if “time goes faster” because I momentarily become unaware of myself and the discomfort my physical body is experiencing, I actually sabotage myself because when and as I distract my attention from my body's actual needs I lock myself into a state of tension. For example, when I am walking outside and it is cold, if I distract myself to not be aware of the coldness and instead ”float around” in a mind bubble, my body will still experience the coldness and be in a state of tension as I am not giving my body any attention. Instead I could be aware of the experience of coldness, keep myself in deep and slow breathing and relax my body with each breath, through this assisting and supporting my body to survive the cold. I have noticed through experimenting that when I relax myself within an uncomfortable experience, it actually becomes less uncomfortable (e.g. cold feels less cold) – I'm guessing it has something to do with how blood flows in muscles (tense vs. relaxed).
Alright. I will now walk these points
and see what comes of it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to forget to breathe so that I have not noticed
the physical pain in my body caused by a bad posture before the pain
gets bad enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to ignore my body telling me that the posture I am
in is damaging to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I “need to” study
at the expense of my physical body because there are “no better
options”, not realizing that I am causing myself extensive damage
and making my studying more difficult in the long run, and that there
is sure to be some option that I just haven't figured out yet.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to give up on trying to find a physically painless
way to study and instead settle for positions that are not good for
my health.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that pushing myself to study
through pain is self-sabotage, as the pain will eventually render me
unable to study.
--
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to escape my discomfort into the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to react to my experience being uncomfortable with
fear and thus create a desire to no longer be there, thus fulfilling
this desire by escaping my experience into a mind illusion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to react to discomfort with the fear of not being
able to handle it, believing and perceiving that physical discomfort
is something “overwhelming”, not realizing that physical
discomfort can in fact be dealt with simply by breathing, locating
the problem and taking necessary actions to solve the problem.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to no realize that when in discomfort, the simple
act of breathing and bringing my awareness to the pain is to gift
myself with the attention that I actually require, and that escaping
the discomfort by not breathing and distracting myself with
thoughts/images is to neglect myself and ignore the needs of my
physical body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to escape my uncomfortable experience of the
physical reality into the mind as thoughts and imaginations of the
past and future, thus losing myself into what is not actually HERE
and neglecting that which is actually HERE.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that a thought/image is
“more enjoyable” than my experience of the actual reality and
that this enjoyability is a valid reason to escape the reality, not
realizing that the enjoyment in the mind is temporary and fades and
that every moment spent away from HERE brings consequences: if I shut
my eyes while driving a car, every moment spent driving with my eyes
closed might take me off the road.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that the enjoyment within/of the
mind / the conceptual reality always fades, whereas enjoyment
within/of this physical reality is sustainable.
--
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to become impatient with the cause of my physical
discomfort (cold, rain, hunger, tiredness) and to escape the
discomfort by thinking of the moment when I will get rid of it (by
getting home, getting to a shelter, getting food, getting to rest
etc.), and thus “mend” my impatience by imagining I'm “there
already” or by telling myself I'm “almost there”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that my physical needs
need to be “soothed” with imagination or otherwise they will
overpower me, not realizing that if I am not actually dying my
physical needs cannot in fact overpower me by themselves, and that my
experiences and memories of a physical need becoming “overwhelming”
are such where I have made it “overwhelming” through the mind
with enhancing thoughts such as “I am so hungry/cold”, “I am in
so much pain”, “this sucks”, “I hate this”, “I'm so far
away from home”, “why can't I be there already”, “this feels
awful” et cetera, where I have eventually been overpowered by my
own helplessness and not the problem itself.
--
I commit myself to keep myself in
breath before, during and after I study (read text from a book /
computer screen OR write on a notepad / computer) to keep my
awareness in my physical body and to thus ensure that no painful
point – message from my body, the living organism – goes
unnoticed.
- Before I study, I commit myself to find myself a comfortable position to study in.
- During studying, I commit myself to take note of any pain I might feel and to adjust my posture/position accordingly, making sure that I get up and move around every 15 minutes.
- After studying, I commit myself to pay attention to the remaining effects of the physical act of studying in my body.
I commit myself to show myself that I
am capable of surviving non-lethal physical discomfort, such as
hunger, tiredness and changes in temperature, by returning myself to
breath whenever I escape the physical reality into my mind and by
keeping myself stable and relaxed in breath until the problem can be
solved.
When and as I create dramatic thoughts
about my state of discomfort – such as “I am so
hungry/tired/cold” - I stop, I breathe and I realize that with
these thoughts I give in to helplessness, believing and perceiving
that I am powerless to direct the situation to the best possible
outcome. I realize that the reality is not in fact dramatic as
everything moves according to simple causality (if I do not eat, I
will eventually get hungry) and that within a reality of causality
there is always also some kind of a course of action available that
will work as a solution to undesired circumstances (when I go home, I
will eat food). I stabilize myself in breath, search for an actual
solution to the problem, and I keep myself stable until the problem
is resolved.
I commit myself to explore how to find
comfort in discomfort through breathing, relaxing and taking care of
my basic physical needs.
Alright, I'll continue with more
related points tomorrow.
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