08-09112013
A few days ago I faced a situation
where criticism and blame was directed towards me. I realized that
the person criticizing me (and others) was reacting to her
interpretation of the situation, and so I didn't take it personally.
I kept myself in breath and let her express her frustration. The
situation ended with her dismissing her own reaction by saying “this
is just who I am, I can't help it” and that she realizes that there
is nothing actually wrong with the situation at hand.
Because of her own attitude it would be
easy for me to just say “yup, that's how it is” - to pass all the
responsibility for another's reaction onto the other and dismiss
whatever was going on. But I know that a part of what she is picking
up from me and reacting to is actually there, although very slightly
and well-hidden. What I found here is a pattern where “I don't have
to listen” if the one delivering the message is reacting
emotionally – when in fact the message might be true even though
it's being delivered from an unclear starting point.
I did a lot of specific self-forgiveness on this, but because it includes other people and I couldn't really "mask" it into a neutral form, I am going to not publish some of it. However, I will share some of the key points.
--
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that in order for me to
participate in an activity there would have to be a goal and that if
there isn't a goal I don't “have to” participate – not
realizing that the goals are created within and through the activity
itself during those times when there isn't a specific goal, and that
me joining in only when there is a specific goal is to pass the
responsibility for creating a goal completely onto the others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to feel guilty for not participating in the goal
creation, not realizing that I have simply made a choice to channel
my attention onto things that are more certain to have a concrete
outcome.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to feel frustrated with a hobby that is “going
nowhere”, not realizing that I have not really contributed to
“taking it somewhere”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to waste my time by participating in an activity
“half-heartedly” - riding along but not contributing to creation
and direction – not realizing that I would be better off either
doing it with a full participation or not doing it at all and rather
focusing on something else.
--
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that in order to arrange my life I
need to make choices, and that sometimes those choices exclude one
thing and include another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to feel guilty for choosing to not focus on [activity], not realizing that I have made this choice based on what I
find relevant in life at the moment – a pretty solid decision - and
that I am wavering from my decision through guilt because I fear that
I will be judged for my decision by those who have chosen
differently.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear standing up for what I find essential in
life as I have feared that others would take my stance personally and
believe it to be judgement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to judge those who have prioritized their lives
differently than I have mine, not realizing that people's life
situations are very different, and that prioritizing [activity] might serve a relevant purpose in someone else's life (releasing
energy, meeting friends, taking a break, getting exercise etc).
--
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to use the starting point of another as an excuse
to not listen to what the person is saying.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that a message from an unclear
starting point – a dusty mirror – is just as much HERE than the
same message from a clear starting point – a clean mirror – and
that despite the source of the message I am able to “decode” it
and thus reflect myself back to myself from others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself, when and as a person reacts to me, to focus on
their reaction – their “flaws” - instead of asking myself what
it is they're picking up in me and reacting to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to perceive others to be “flawed” to cover up
for my own misgivings.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the misgiving of
another means that I have none.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to measure a situation based on each one's
misgivings or “flaws” and to then dub each one as a “winner”
or a “loser” (high or low status) based on the amount or
severeness of one's flaws, not realizing that this “role play”
directly affects my behavior and consequently the behavior of others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to focus on the misgivings of another to move the
focus away from my own misgivings, making the “flaws” of the
other appear bigger than they are and making mine appear smaller than
they are, not realizing that this is just a momentary illusion and
that both of our “flaws” are in fact one and equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that life is a competition
where, in order for me to not “lose”, somebody else has got to.
I commit myself to make a decision
concerning my participation in this activity by the end of the year
based on what contributing to this activity creates and upholds in
this reality on the small as well as on the big scale: how it affects
my life, how it affects the group members' lives, how it affects the
group community, how it affects the town/area and how it affects the
world – and at what expense.
--
When and as another unmistakably reacts
to me, be it a positive or a negative reaction, I commit myself to
listen to what they're trying to express while also aware of their
reactive state, asking myself “what is he/she reacting to” and
searching myself for the trigger – NOT so that I would carry all
the responsibility and blame myself for the reaction of another, but
so that the responsibility for something equally created would be
equally shared.
Ei kommentteja:
Lähetä kommentti