16-18112013
Since I am currently on my way to an
event that will probably include drinking alcohol, I thought it
fitting to address my issue with drinking that has surfaced recently.
I grew up in an environment that
encouraged drinking alcohol, and although everyone knew that legally
I shouldn't have been drinking before I turned 18, I was pretty much
allowed to start drinking when it started to interest me. My older
siblings and even parents would buy me drinks if I asked them to: I
never asked for anything “too much”, and for them my behavior was
normal, what kids my age were doing anyway.
I got “into” drinking when I was
about 15-16 and my group of high school friends started forming. For
me drinking was a social thing: I enjoyed parties, their exciting,
adventurous and carefree atmosphere, and I was thrilled to be meeting
people, because I had learned that apparently relationships mostly
formed in parties when people are a little drunk (less tense and
defensive / more welcoming and appealing). When I look back on it I
can see that my reason for partying was mostly sex/relationships,
although sometimes it was to feel like I “belonged” somewhere, to
feel “connected” to people, and to be less lonely.
After high school I got alienated from
my friends and so the social environment I used to drink in was no
longer there. My group of friends changed while my income decreased
heavily, and because my new friends were always drinking in bars and
night clubs I could no longer financially afford to drink socially. I
quit drinking through bitterness and it created a nasty undertone to
my friendships.
I later realized real reasons to not
drink: it's damaging to my physical health AND to my mental
condition. For many years I have not really been drinking because I
have always been low on money and I have been too busy to fit that
kind of socializing into my life.
Now that these limitations (money and
time) have been removed, since my income is decent and I have time
and opportunities to socialize, I've noticed that I am very prone to
drinking. I realize that this is a problem, because the reasons for
my drinking are the same as they were when I was 16: relaxing,
fitting in and being social. When asking myself “why do I drink”
just now, my answer was: “Because I can.” Now I am “finally”
able to drink alcohol, and for a while I've just been going with it
because of the energetic release of “having access” to something
that used to be inaccessible.
But as I am now continuing to write
this after the night of drinking I mentioned, I know that this
tendency to use alcohol as a way to “unwind” has got to stop.
What I witnessed in myself was a relaxation, opening up and
talkativeness when I was drinking (like, after two sips of wine, lol
– completely a mental thing) with my tension returning twice as bad
the following day. The points of nervousness that I bypassed with
alcohol were there just the same when I had to face them sober.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to escape anxiety, tension and nervousness into
drinking because when growing up I learned through observation and
direct advice that this is what people do and how people live.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a habit of rather escaping anxiety, tension and nervousness than directly dealing with their starting point, because as a child this is what I witnessed the people around me doing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to create a behavioral pattern / a habit out of
drinking as an escape from anxiety, tension and nervousness because
when I first tried it out it appeared to “work” (when getting
drunk for the first time I gave myself the permission to “let
loose”, which I misinterpreted to have been caused by the substance
itself) and so I continued to do so whenever I wanted to feel
relaxed, energetic and excited.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to make alcohol the symbol of “fun”, not
realizing that by doing so I limit myself from having “fun”
without alcohol and make the experience of “fun” dependent on
alcohol.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself as a child/teenager to create an image of alcohol
in my mind – an icon / a symbol – that represented “fun”,
“enjoyment”, “relaxation”, “friends”, “leisure”,
“good times”, “excitement” and “adventure”, not
questioning this positively charged image/icon/symbol even when I saw
myself and others manifest the complete opposite when drunk –
aggression, depression, hallucinations, violence, regression,
physical poisoning, fighting – and I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to ignore the actual consequences of mine
and my friends' reasons for drinking alcohol just to hold onto the
positive image of alcohol as the “ultimate release”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that in order to celebrate
(to express my gratitude over something) - be it a finished task, the
people in my life or life events - I need to drink alcohol.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that one of the reasons I feel
compelled to drink alcohol when I'm doing something social is because
to me socializing is often a form of celebration (expressing my
gratitude/appreciation for the people that are there), which I have
learned to connect with the culture of drinking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize how vast the culture of drinking
alcohol is and that unraveling this habit from myself is a lengthy
task.
--
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that alcohol is a “bad”
thing and judge myself and others accordingly, not realizing that the
substance itself is neither good or evil because it is just a tool, a
conveyor of the intentions behind the use of the substance.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to judge others for using alcohol because I have
assumed that their intentions to use it are destructive (escapism).
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that alcoholism will exist whether
I judge it or not, and that if my goal is to affect the existence of
alcoholism, judgement doesn't really help me get anywhere.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that the world and its phenomenons
will exist no matter what I think of them within my mind, and that
the way to affect the world is not through the conceptual reality
(judgement) but through the physical reality (actions).
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to judge those who drink alcohol as escapism
(almost everyone) because I have held onto my self-judgement and
projected it onto others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to judge myself for drinking alcohol because based
on the consequences of my drinking (conflict, mistakes,
embarrassment) I have labeled drinking as “bad”, not realizing
that it is not alcohol or even the act of drinking that creates the
negative consequences but MYSELF, because alcohol releases from me
all of the things I would like to express but normally suppress,
which makes WHO I AM within the act of drinking the cause for all the
consequences of the action itself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that drinking alcohol
makes me stupid, annoying, reckless, loud, vicious, desperate and
depressed, not realizing that alcohol simply brings out who I already
am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to judge the qualities listed above as “no good”
(qualities I do not want attached to “who I am” / my personality
/ the image of me that others see), and to thus judge myself when and
as these hidden/suppressed qualities eventually surface.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to deny these dimensions of myself / of human
expression, not realizing that in order to release them and truly
make a choice to either live or not live out these dimensions I need
to first embrace them all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that as long as I judge myself for
a dimension of human expression (such as being loud), I will not be
able to fully let it go.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that drinking alcohol
makes me happy, joyful, laughing, energetic, excited, horny, social,
funny and elevated, not realizing that I have already been all this
on some level but used alcohol to emphasize these dimensions of human
expression to override the negative.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to use alcohol to get high on positive energy, not
realizing that I am escaping the reality where I do not feel OK with
myself into a temporary illusion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that the illusion of self-elevation
created when drunk dissolves easily when the pattern of being drunk
is broken.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a mind pattern of a “successful night of drinking”, where the chain of alcohol is uninterrupted, I do not react negatively to anything and I have pleasant people around me all night – not realizing that when I expect my night to go like this the night is easily “ruined” (the energy high crashes) even with a small disturbance.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a night is “ruined” because I reacted negatively to something.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like the memory of an otherwise fun evening is “ruined” because of something negative that happened at the end of the night.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in drinking to create “nice memories”, not realizing that this starting point itself holds the expectation that the evening as a whole should go “according to plan” so that the memory would be unspoiled, and that having an expectation like this is simply unrealistic because of the numerous factors included in an event that concerns several people, if in a bar maybe even hundreds.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to expect that drinking should be fun, thus
reacting when it is not fun, not realizing that my expectation itself
is unrealistic and that having an expectation on any social event
doesn't really serve any purpose as the events can't really be
foretold.
--
I commit myself to investigate why my
life feels tense / unfulfilling so that there is a need for
“unwinding” through alcohol-related socializing.
I commit myself to walk through the
above-mentioned tension points in writing to see how to release them
in order to make life truly and sustainably enjoyable (“fun”) in
every single breath.
I commit myself to stop drinking
alcohol for now to see how it affects social situations where I would
usually drink (e.g. celebration).
I commit myself to be patient with
myself concerning this point as I see, realize and understand that I
have grown within a culture of drinking and that the culture is thus
embedded into me in multiple layers.
I commit myself, in my occupation as an
alcohol vendor, to investigate how alcohol as a tool is being used,
and instead of judging alcohol itself as “good” or “bad” to
look at how and why alcohol is being used.
I commit myself to utilize my position
as a bartender to discuss alcohol with other people.
I commit myself to go through memories
of differing consequences of my alcohol use and to map out how these
consequences have manifested who I was during that time.
When, as and if I do drink alcohol, I
commit myself to investigate the dimensions of human expression that
arise in me and to investigate them thoroughly in writing to see why
I suppress and deny these dimensions in myself.
I commit myself to investigate what
kind of expectations I set on different kinds of social situations.
This was a box of worms, whew! Lol, I'm glad to see this point finally opening up, as I've been meaning to focus on it many times before. I'll continue with this later on.
Ei kommentteja:
Lähetä kommentti