17092013
I'm going through the video log from
yesterday.
“my life is going well”
- what is “well”? What is my definition of a life that is “going well”?
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that one's life is “going
well” when one has something meaningful and enjoyable to do, here
creating a separation between a “good” life and a “bad” life,
thinking that the “bad” life without meaningful and enjoyable
activities is not life worth living, not realizing that if one's life
does become what I have defined as “not good” (“not going
well”) it is a challenge one has brought upon oneself and that it
is definitely worth living through – not getting stuck into – as
this, too, is LIFE as life is in every moment of breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that now that my life is
“going well” (I have something meaningful and enjoyable to do) I
should also feel happy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to feel like there's “something missing” from
my experience because even though my life is “going well” I don't
have that feeling of happiness and euphoria, being uplifted and
excited – not realizing that I base this expectation on previous
experiences in my life where my life has felt “perfect” for a
while as I have both had something enjoyable to do AND I have had
that feeling of happiness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the feeling of
happiness is required for my life to be fulfilling, not realizing
that happiness as a feeling is an outflow of who I have lived as
before the happiness, that it is the polarity of the negative
feelings I have felt before, and that happiness surfaces to balance
out the negative in a cyclic manner when I live within the
negative-positive emotional loop – and that therefore when I
release that emotional cycle and no longer live within, as and
according to it and instead live within and as stability, the
positive feelings that I crave for (as opposed to the negative
feelings that I resent) will cease to exist.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to long for the feeling of happiness because I
have defined it to be an indicator of when my life is “going well”
and I don't have to worry about myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that what actually indicates that I
am living as LIFE and self-expression, as a being one with and equal
to this reality, is stability: not being thrown around by both
positive and negative feelings and emotions.*
* Not to confuse this with
self-suppression, where one would be denying one's feelings and
emotions and refusing to express them: a non-emotional “steel
mask”. Feelings and emotions are an indicator of who we are at the
moment, and thus when and as they surface they can be channeled in a
non-destructive way and then, as they are out in the open for
oneself, investigated and forgiven and eventually released. Stability
is where emotions and feelings do not direct you, and where you do
not lose sight of yourself in the middle of emotional turmoil.
I commit myself to stop to investigate
any experiences of dissatisfaction that surface in me by asking
myself if there is an expectation that is not being fulfilled.
I commit myself to slow down to enjoy
feeling like “nothing” (no emotional experience affecting my
state of being) by exploring my world as from this state
movement is most effortless – or at least my boundaries are easier
to detect – which is a great opportunity to expand myself.
When and as I get dissatisfied with
“feeling nothing” - I stop, I breathe and I realize that I have
defined a “satisfactory living” to be one where I am living
within a positive emotional experience. I realize that the lack of a
positive emotional experience is not a “bad thing” and that
“feeling nothing” (not having a positive or a negative emotional
experience) is an indicator of stability, no matter how momentary. I
utilize self-forgiveness to release the dissatisfaction and I embrace
the moment as described in the statement above.
--
“During [my travels] I made a lot of
decisions to change my daily rhythm, my life style, and I've been
living out those decisions, at least some of them. I'm still not
working completely well with some of the points --.”
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself after I got home to get comfortable with not
exercising as I no longer “had to” keep on moving every single
day [when I traveled I carried a heavy rucksack with me and mostly
walked around A LOT].
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to create a resistance towards physical exercise
because I “had to” do so much of it during my travels.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I did not “have to” move as there was no outside force that would have actually made it compulsory for me to physically move myself, not wanting to carry responsibility for my decision to move physically (in theory I could have just staid still other than walking in and out of airplanes) as this decision caused me weariness and discomfort.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame “others” for “expecting me to move”, not realizing I was projecting my own demands and expectations for myself onto others so that I could avoid carrying responsibility for this self-expectation that wore me out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that I have created this resistance
during my travels by not allowing myself enough rest to compensate
for the physical and mental strain that I went through.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to get attached to my home because it offers me so
much comfort – soft and clean places to sit and lie in, enough
entertainment to last me for the rest of my life, fun activities and
hobbies, good food that I have chosen to supply myself with – not
realizing that by creating a desire to stay home and be as
comfortable as possible I limit my life extensively as outside of my
walls there is an entire world of people and places to explore.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to narrow my physical comfort zone down to my
apartment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to resist going out for walks without a
destination.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to resist going out to meet people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to resist exercising (full yoga routine, jogging,
dancing).
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to resist practicing violin and piano playing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to resist singing practice.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to resist making music.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to give in to my resistance and desire for comfort
by giving up when I “don't feel like doing it”.
I commit myself to step by step work my
way out of my comfort zone by not demanding everything of myself at
once but utilizing the moments that I see to start out with something
small from which I can expand through consistent practice.
- with yoga: do a little each morning before breakfast and grow the amount weekly
- with meeting friends: meet at least one friend a week other than in school or at work
- with outdoors exercise: have at least one aimless walking trip per one week
- with music: have at least one practice session per week, be it any instrument or form of music
- with singing: sing at least one song a day
I commit myself to have mercy on myself
so that I will not demand too much of myself – yet, I commit myself
to hold on to the list above as I see, realize and understand that
doing at least this small amount per week/day will activate me.
I commit myself to make a timetable for
these activities if necessary to support myself to actually push
through the resistance and get moving.
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