Day 311: Leadership - passing the power

09092013

I was at a theatre camp for the weekend and while there I temporarily took the position of the “leader”. I want to look at how this switch in position happened and who I was as a “leader”.

In our theatre hierarchy I am unofficially the “second in command” after our chairman. This meant that when she was not around, I would take the lead. I saw this happening through expectations I had towards myself and through expectations others had towards me as well. When she was gone and there was a situation that required direction, I felt everyone's eyes on me, I felt attention drawn towards me even though I did nothing to get it, I felt like it was my moment to do something, as if it was my responsibility to direct. (I am not sure how much of this I imagined and how much was real, and to know the exact facts is not even relevant.) It was a moment where I realized that I had a choice to either accept all the authority offered to me – or, as this would not be a choice that supports the best of all, to try and use that moment of attention in a different way.

I was careful to not run the whole “show” by myself, meaning that I would try to get people to carry responsibility themselves – that I would NOT make it too “easy” for them and do every bit of thinking and moving for them just to feel “important” and “needed” myself. What I did was give these slight pushes and pulls towards the right direction, and this worked out quite well: most of the people were actually doing their share of work, which was more than I had hoped for. I didn't need to stress about things getting done and watch over every bit of action because I trusted these people to take care of things and showed them that I did. So by expecting no less from them than the best they can be I supported them to live up to their potential.

What interests me is the moment of “passing the power”. Hierarchy is a man-made conceptual structure to ensure that power remains in “deserving” and “capable” hands – in other words, in the hands of those who agree on the principles and direction of that which is governed, which may or may not be a good thing. But power does not exist if it is not given by those who are ruled over. Why does this theatre group accept and allow me to have power and what can I do to support them to become self-governed? Why and how do I find my position of power justified?

The moment of “passing the power” (accepting and allowing one to direct others) is a moment of collective helplessness. What do we do now? Who knows? Where do we go? It is the helplessness of a child. If there is someone there with apparent “knowledge” - the defining factor of an “adult” - that's where the faces turn. You tell us what to do! You know where to go! And people refuse to think, to move, to use their own capacity to search for an answer. This is OK if people actually do not know what to do and have no way of figuring it out (or if the process of figuring it out would take impractically long), but I see that at least within this particular group there is a passivity, a laziness, a limpness where an authority would rather be followed than self be set in motion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that my position in our theatre hierarchy as “second in command” is something I have “deserved”, something I “ought to” have, something that is “rightfully” mine as I have believed and perceived that I have “proven myself worthy” by being talented, hard-working and loyal – here defining myself (my ego) according to this high position in a hierarchy, seeing myself as something “more” than the ones “below” me in the hierarchy – not realizing that a hierarchy is a construct that only exists in the subjective conceptual realities of each individual – in our minds – and that if I define myself according to something that only exists in the mind I will end up believing I am that mind-image, when in fact I am a physical being in a physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I define myself according to imaginary power structures (statuses and titles) I will limit myself from fully realizing myself as a physical being and from living in this physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the only dimension of power structures that actually matters are their consequences in the matter – the “fruit” that they bear in the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the only reason participating in a power structure might be justified is its practical consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in power structures to feed my ego as I have not stopped to consider the practical consequences of my participation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my permission for others to be “leaders”, passing them the power, without stopping to realize that their position is given by those who follow, myself included.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blindly believe that some people are “meant to” be leaders while others are not, not realizing that the reason we have leaders at all is because most of the people do not know how to be self-directed and thus “require” someone to “show them the way”, and that the people who end up being leaders are those who are lucky enough to be (or at least appear to be) self-directed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question my “leaders” by asking myself if they're actually showing a good example and if I should be following them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not “defy” my “leaders” by seeing and treating them as equals (= without fear).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear disagreeing with my “leaders” because that would have required me to direct myself from within myself for myself – in other words, without an example I could passively follow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question my “leaders” out of fear of losing that authority I could passively follow, not realizing that when I rise up to question my “leader” I no longer need a “leader” as I have become that which I am looking for in an authority figure: an active participant and creator of life.

I'll continue with this in posts to come.