20-21042013
As I have now been studying for my
entrance exams I have been thinking about different studying
techniques, and today I came across I memory from my teen years. When
I was in junior high school (age 12-15) I had a friend who did very
well in school. She once shared with us some of her methods for
studying, which were i.e. reading the most relevant information right
before going to bed so that it would have time to “brew” at the
“back of her head”; and also keeping her school books next to her
bed so that if she happened to wake up in the middle of the night she
could read something from the book and then go back to sleep. I
remember myself being overwhelmed by this as I could not conceive why
anyone would want to study so much – my motivation to study was not
that high – and I thought she was “odd” and “crazy” to
study at times which I considered to be reserved for resting and when
I would rather just read comics or prose. I remember myself and some
other girls in the same group voicing this opinion of her being “odd”
for doing such things – I did not mean ay harm by it, but was
simply expressing my bewilderment.
So I realized how she might have
actually interpreted this expression wrong. I realized that as I
called her “odd” and “crazy” she might have taken this as a
malicious act and experienced herself to have been teased, bullied
and/or belittled by me/us. I then realized that some of my
experiences of being bullied may have been similar misunderstandings,
where I take the self-expression of another personally as it is not
directly communicated that “I am now expressing my
overwhelmedness”, lol, there are not many children who know how to
do that.
As I was writing out the memory I also
realized that I am not sure how my self-expression affected the
expression and opinion of others. Within that group of friends my
expression was quite powerful and unlimited – I had friends whom I
could relax with and I was testing out different levels of dominance
as my friends were somewhat submissive themselves. So when I
expressed my overwhelmedness I remember the group being supportive of
what I said – that she was “odd” and “crazy” - but I just
now realized that I may have overridden people who were easy to
influence with my opinions, causing them to agree with me as I was in
an authoritative position because of my dominant expression. Which
means that I just now realized what my responsibility was within that
situation. This dominance that the group accepted and allowed me to
uphold and execute was one of the things that led to the group
breaking up later on, as the others started to resent my
self-expression and later on excluded me from the group.
So what I'm seeing here is that a lot
of my experiences with bullying may have been similar incidents where
spite was suppressed and accumulated as I took things personally when
they were not meant as such, and that I myself may have caused many
similar situations as I have not realized my responsibility to be
clear on my communication. This may be occurring even now as I'm
becoming more honest and straightforward in my words yet not taking
into consideration that my responsibility is to communicate myself as
clearly as possible to avoid misunderstandings. Simply voicing my
starting point – that I do not mean any harm but am instead
communicating from this and this perspective – would be a great
start.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to take another's self-expression personally as I
have misinterpreted their words, tone and gestures to be a direct
judgement of who I am, not seeing that it may simply be their
self-expression of their experience which I do not fully grasp i.e.
because of faults in communication.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not take into consideration the effects my
self-expression as words, tone and gestures has on others when
unclearly communicated and to not realize my responsibility within
interaction to do my best to be understood.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to tell another being that she is “odd” and
“crazy” without specifying that this is my reaction to my
world-view clashing with another's which seemed “alien” to me as
I had not yet at the time realized and learned to express that this
is the process that I went through within that moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility as a participant of
interaction by assertively defining another being without specifying
that this is by no means a valid assessment of her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to abuse my position within the above-mentioned
group of friends by testing out different ways to dominate, control
and lead others, not realizing that I was taking advantage of people
who expressed their insecurity through submission whereas I expressed
my insecurity through dominance.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility as an equal
participant of interaction by not being clear on my communication by
thinking “oh well, I guess they got my point” and letting the
unclear moments slip by.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not be sensitive about the reactions of others
as indicators of possible misunderstandings where I could then
correct my expression accordingly to do what I can to avoid possible
conflict.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to justify abdicating my responsibility to correct
unclear communication with the belief that people understand each
other even without everything being voiced, not realizing that I am
using this belief to not voice things that I find uncomfortable
communicating to others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself, when and as I have noticed another to react which
may have indicated a misunderstanding, to react with fear and choose
to “skip” clarifying my expression to another by thinking “oh
well, I guess he/she got my point” so that I could avoid what I
fear, which here is the possibility of conflict.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself within my fear of conflict to ignore possible
signs of misunderstandings (i.e. in the body language of others) so
that I wouldn't have to solve the misunderstanding, because I fear
that the process of solving a misunderstanding would lead to
conflict.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that attempting to solve a
misunderstanding will probably lead to conflict and to thus fear
solving misunderstandings.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to create this belief/perception that attempts to
clear things out will become conflicts based on previous situations
where I have tried to clear things out and have failed.
- Numerous memories arise concerning this:
- In elementary school (age 9-10) when all my friends collectively decided to ignore me and no longer be friends with me I tried to solve the situation but no one would engage in discussion with me > I felt abandoned and powerless > my attempt proved futile because no one would respond.
- When I was around 19 a friend of mine accused me of “idolizing my sister”, which was a perception she appeared to base on who I had been as a child but was no more. I told her this was no longer true and she would not believe me, and I felt that I was unfairly judged > my attempt to solve a misunderstanding proved futile because another would not listen to my words over her belief > I felt judged and misunderstood.
- Around the age 20 I tried to speak to a group of friends about a communication issue I had noticed within the group. I sent everyone a message where I directly addressed the issue (people talking shit behind each other's backs and not communicating directly to each other) and nobody replied. I was later on excluded from the group and from this I concluded that the habit of talking shit about people behind their backs continued in my case as well. > I realize that in this case I was reactive within the message I sent as I was frustrated and wanted someone to interact with me instead of “fading away” as they always did > I felt like the interaction was a failure because I got no response.
In all of the above-mentioned memories
the common nominator for “failure” is [the lack of response],
which I now see, realize and understand to not be something I can
influence, as each and every person makes their own choices and I
cannot make another person engage in a conversation to clear things
up if they do not want to. I see that I have felt myself judged in
these situations through “silent rejection” and thus started to
fear situations like this. I have thus connected [attempting to solve
a situation] to [rejection] which I have blamed on myself through
feeling judged, which is in fact self-judgement through the eyes of
others. I have not seen, realized and understood that the lack of
response from others is “out of my hands” - I have done all I
could, and if others haven't joined in it is their responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to blame it on myself when another person does not
respond to my attempt to communicate.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to feel unfairly judged when another person
chooses to believe their perception of me instead of seeing who I
actually am, clinging onto the feeling of unfairness because I have
assigned the perception of others the power to define me and thus
feel conflicted because I do not want to be defined like I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if another
chooses to believe their perception of something over the actual
reality it is their loss and not a choice I can make for them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself, when and as I was not listened to within a
conversation, to get frustrated with the other person(s), thinking
“why are you such idiots?”, “why won't you listen?”, “hello,
I'm right here!”, “what's wrong with you?”, “come ON, just
speak to me!” - as I have not seen, realized and understood that
the choices of others are theirs to make and that I cannot make
another reply, becoming frustrated as I have taken this failure in
communication personally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to react with fear to the lack of response from
others, assuming others to judge me and talk shit about me behind my
back if they do not respond, thus trying even harder to get them to
respond as an attempt to stop the judgement and bad-mouthing, and
getting frustrated when I fail as I see my attempts to stop the
habits of others to not be working.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to get desperate when others have ignored my
attempt to face them in honesty as I have feared the judgement they
appear likely to pass on me as I have taken the risk to speak
straightforwardly about what's actually going on.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to think of it as a “risk” to address what's
actually going on because I have seen how few ever seize that
opportunity and how many choose to ignore it and what the
consequences are to me (judgement, loss).
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to take it personally when others choose to ignore
a window of opportunity.
Alright, bringing this back to the
original topic.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear solving misunderstandings in conversation
and other communication because I have feared that the response will
be rejection or “silent rejection” through shown or covered
judgement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear another's decline to solve a
misunderstanding because I fear their perception, opinion and
evaluation of me and that the decline indicates that I am seen as
“less” than I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to give value to another's perception/opinion of
me because others have been my only source of acceptance for all of
my life so far.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to judge myself through the eyes of others by
believing the perception/opinion others appear to have of me, not
standing within and as myself in self-certainty here in the physical
where there is no doubt of who I am but only looking at reflections
of myself within the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to take it personally when another ignores the
opportunity to solve a misunderstanding and feel disappointed, and
based on this create a resistance to even try to solve
misunderstandings because I fear the reaction of the other will be
negative.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to take it upon myself when an attempt to solve a
misunderstanding fails, not realizing that within interaction there
are multiple participants and that each participant carries an equal
responsibility over the interaction – not just me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is my
responsibility to try and solve a misunderstanding when and as I see
the possibility that there is a misunderstanding, because I as the
one who notices am responsible, and that my best attempt to solve a
misunderstanding is to carry my responsibility no matter how the
other responds.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if another
will not try to solve the misunderstanding with me but instead
ignores, belittles or judges the opportunity, this is their choice
which I cannot make for them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is
important to walk through these situations where “nothing appears
to change” because they might have an effect on the other's process
in ways invisible to me, and also because within them I practice
assertiveness, self-honest communication and self-leadership.
I commit myself to do my best within
communication to be understood as I see, realize and understand this
to be the purpose of all communication, and I commit myself to do
this by:
- being clear/self-honest on what I mean with the words I use
- being sensitive to others to see if there is understanding
- when noticing a possible misunderstanding, addressing it and clarifying myself when/if necessary
I commit myself to not let
misunderstandings slip by by facing my fear, realizing it is not
valid and pushing through by opening my mouth and speaking even if
unplanned.
When and as I notice a misunderstanding
and think “oh well, maybe they got my point” - I stop, I breathe
and I realize I am using this belief that people understand each
other without direct communication as a justification to avoid the
possible conflict that may come from attempting to solve a
misunderstanding. I realize this belief to be bollocks. I realize
that if others were to react negatively to my attempt to directly
address what's going on, it would be nothing personal towards me but
others choosing to ignore a window of opportunity. I then proceed to
solve the misunderstanding according to the situation – mainly by
asking if there was a misunderstanding or not and clarifying myself
when necessary.
I commit myself to keep myself grounded
within my physical in self-certainty when communicating with others
by stabilizing myself in slow and steady breath, sensing my entire
body from head to toe and being aware of my centre of gravity –
thus living as a physical expression of self-acceptance.
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