I've been digging deeper into my
insecurity issues and today I have been flagging the tendency to
believe my guess on how others perceive me. It's an immediate
interpretation I make based on the “signs” I find in the behavior
of others: body language, voice tonality, gestures, choice of words,
looks, type of touch. At the very moment when I register one or more
of these “signs” (movement of another) I grasp my first guess on
why this person chooses to act like this and believe my
interpretation without a second thought. I then change my stance
within the situation according to my interpretation without stopping
to consider the fact that I cannot possibly know what the other
person actually experienced when and as they behaved the way they
did.
This has got to change. It is crucial
that I stop taking things personally, because when I keep on defining
myself according to my guesses and projections (self-judgement
through the eyes of others) I never face myself as I really am, as
all I see are the numerous images, imagoes, personalities and
characters that I have lived as and perceive and believe myself to be
“supposed to” live as. The reason this is so deep-rooted lies in
my childhood where I gave up on myself and my integrity and handed
over my power to decide who I am to others* because it was the only
way I could ensure acceptance when the support of my peers grew
scarce.
[* To clarify: Others were not actually
deciding who I am and how I should live, but this is how I projected
my self-abuse onto others as blame, victimization and helplessness. I
was the one who chose to direct myself according to what I believed
and perceived others to want of me – the others were not
responsible for my behavior directly.]
It has been really interesting to see
how it affects the situations I live within when I stop believing my
first guess and instead either wait for the other person to open
him/herself up at his/her own pace or ask some simple clarifying
questions. It appears that my first guess is most often incorrect.
This shows me that it is vital to work on this point, because only
when my starting point for interaction is to face others as who they
really are will the interaction become relevant; only then will it
hold some substance.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe my first guess on how another being
perceives me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to interpret the behavior of another according to
the patterns I have constructed into my mind based on how I have
lived my life so far instead of stopping the interpretations within
the realization that they are nothing more than a guess and thus not
an equivalent of reality as I cannot know what the experience of the
other actually is as I am not “within their skin” but within mine
only.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to always interpret the behavior of others based
on my insecurity, thus using my interpretation as a tool to either
elevate me or to bring me down.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to use my interpretation of the behavior of
another to reinforce my insecurity-based self-image, be it positive
or negative.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to use my perception of reality as a justification
to remain as I am and to not change as I have projected my self-image
back onto myself through “the eyes of others” which serves as a
validation of who I have accepted and allowed myself to become -
“others think I'm X, therefore I must be X”.
Therefore, I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to blame my self-judgement on others as I
have not wanted to carry responsibility for who I have accepted and
allowed myself to become.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe that others are to blame for who I have
become, not realizing that even though we are all responsible for the
world as a whole, as a system of bullshit we have all silently agreed
to, we are still as individuals the only ones responsible for our own
choices and our own movement as we are all alone within our
subjective experience of life, where there is no one else who could
move us from within but ourselves.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to “retreat” physically and mentally when and
as I perceive another to treat me with disdain, malice, bitterness
and/or some other form of ill-will where I have interpreted the other
to “dislike” me.*
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to “retreat” physically and mentally when and
as I perceive another to treat me with aggression, force, arrogance,
anger and/or some other form of ill-will where I have interpreted the
other to “hate” me.*
[*These are the points I faced today in
my daily living.]
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to take another's behavior personally, not
realizing that what I am actually taking personally is not the
other's actual experience but my interpretation of it – and that I
am in fact getting insulted by myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to modify my behavior based on my own insult
towards myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself, when and as I have believed another's behavior to
signal a negative response, to “retreat” physically by avoiding
eye contact, lowering my chin, slouching, breathing superficially and
weakening my voice – not realizing that this is all self-sabotage
and not a necessity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe that when another exerts their emotions
on me I should submit and comply, because when one exerts power the
other one needs to lower their status in order to “keep the
balance” - not realizing that this is yet another social
contract/agreement based on polarities which can be undone through
non-participation and is not a “natural law” embedded into the
physical reality.
I commit myself to challenge myself to
not lower my status when another exerts their power/dominance over me
in order to see how it affects the situation when I do not become the
polarity the other one seeks (or I perceive the other to seek).
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe it is necessary for me to submit and
comply when and as I perceive another to think less of me, not
realizing that this belief is based on my childhood where I created
this pattern as a survival mechanism for school / peer environment
where I seemed to lose every battle that I engaged in and where it
was thus more recommendable to not participate in the power struggle
but to give up before even trying. [A link to the mother pattern I mentioned
in a previous post.]
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to perceive and believe another person's
perception/opinion of me to hold immense power because I experienced
first-hand what it was when everyone's perception/opinion of me was
negative – when I was “denied life” as play, friends, fun,
support and development – when I was restricted from the “resources
of life” because others' opinion of me was “not good enough”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear losing the acceptance of others because I
once lost it at a vulnerable age where I was yet unable to fully
support myself and thus experienced the destructive consequences of
living in an environment that rejected me instead of supporting me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that as I am no longer an
underdeveloped child – a work in process – but am now instead a
physically fully developed adult human being, I am no longer unable
to support myself regardless of my environment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that [the opinion of others] as a
form/pattern in my mind still holds the [great] value I have assigned
to it as a child, and that this trace of my childhood interpretations
of reality still dictates how I direct myself today, some 15 years
later.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not question the importance I have assigned to
the perceptions/opinions of others, believing that “it is important
to be liked” yet never asking myself “why”.
When and as I pick up a “sign” in
another's behavior and believe it “signals” something – I stop,
I breathe and I realize I am going head-first into guesswork as I am
interpreting the behavior of another to convey messages that have not
been directly communicated. I realize that it is always a belief and
a guess to think that I know what another being is experiencing,
because I cannot know another being's experience as I am not within
their experience but within mine only. I “take a step back” by
looking at my experience with self-honesty, locating the possible
energetic responses (emotions/feelings/reactions), realizing they are
not me in fact but my activated mind system and stabilizing myself in
breath within awareness of my inner movements. I then look again at
the situation at hand and realize that the behavior of another has
nothing to do with me personally. I allow the other to open
themselves up and to show me who they are by leaving them space
and/or by asking questions. I re-assess accordingly and I move on.
When and as I interpret another to have
a negative opinion of me and thus “retreat” physically by
avoiding eye contact, lowering my chin, slouching, pulling back my
chest, breathing superficially and/or weakening my voice – I stop,
I take a deep breath and I realize that I am diminishing myself as I
believe I need to do so at the face of a dominant being. I realize
that this is a pattern I have learned as a child and which has no
functional value in my current living. I commit myself to move myself
out of this pattern I no longer have any use for by breathing with
all of my lungs, straightening my back with breath, lifting my eyes,
looking at another directly on eye level and allowing my voice to
flow from within my physical body. I anchor myself in breath and
continue with the interaction.
[The act of “mentally retreating”
most prominently occurs in faceless communication over the internet,
and I've got to investigate it further in practice. It is present in
face-to-face communication as well, but it is more difficult to
notice because of the physical symptoms. I know it has to do with
apologeticness, carefulness, watchfulness – I become extremely
careful, hesitant and diminished.]
I commit myself to realize that when
and as I take the behavior/actions of another personally I am
actually insulting myself as it is my interpretation of the situation
that is making me react.
I commit myself to open up my childhood
experiences of being bullied in writing.
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