Day 212: Too stressed to lay myself down

22042013

Today I faced an odd experience that consisted of intense physical pain, exhaustion, anxiety and possession-like restlessness. I tried to write throughout the experience and it helped me keep a track of what was going on. The experience that had been here all day finally faded when I had taken a two-hour nap and done the following self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have a break when my physical indicates I need it with obvious weariness, sleepiness, heaviness, fatigue, pain and tension.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to breathe and thus forget my physical when my physical is sick and instead try and find the reason for my sickness from the mind through reasoning and logic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not gift myself with rest when and as my physical body is sick and indicates it has not yet fully recovered.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself enough time for rest when recovering from a physical sickness and instead push myself to work before, during and after the most intense period of sickness, not realizing that by doing this I only prolong the sickness and disable myself from healing effectively and wholly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the fact that I become sick in the first place is a sign of a malfunction in the body, which in this case has come about because of neglecting myself, and that this sickness will continue for as long as it takes for me to sort out this point of self-abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is to “rest” when I play video games, watch TV series and eat plenty of treats, not realizing that this doesn't actually serve the well-being of my physical but only entertains my mind.

I commit myself to try out how it would affect my recovery if I replaced TV and video games with reading and eating treats with drinking lots of water / herbs and moderately eating healthier stuff, such as vegetable food, fruits, unsweetened yoghurt, oats and rice.

I commit myself to experiment how it would affect my healing process if I shut down all electronic equipment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself with stress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create resistance to work by stressing about my work, not realizing that I make it more difficult for myself to work when I stress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that “I will not make it”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that “I will screw it up”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be left with no financial support platform and that I will have caused it with my own stupidity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I have caused myself to become dependent on the financial support of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am making a mistake.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself through the eyes of others as “stupid”, “dumb”, “irresponsible”, “childish”, “self-centered” and “ignorant”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my decisions and to not assess my doubts from a practical viewpoint.

[These fears I'll continue with in more specificity. Cool that they're beginning to open up.]

I was then able to continue with my studies and I had some fresh air, did a little yoga and now I feel immensely better. The possession has faded and I've returned myself to stability. I now continue with the following SF:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance to take naps even when my body clearly states it to be necessary because I have defined that “naps aren't for me”, thus enforcing a relationship of refusal and separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that sometimes the body does require more sleep – in this case due to self-imposed stress and fatigue – and that then the rest must be given, even if it's in the middle of my day, or the consequences will be even worse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a self-image where I am “more” because I sleep as little as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define “sleeping a lot” to be “lazy”, “escapist”, “self-centered”, “unambitious” and “limp”, thus creating a resistance through all these negatively charged definitions to not “sleep a lot”, whatever I may define “a lot” to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define “sleeping a lot / too much” to be when one sleeps more than 6 hours or sleeps during the day, as I have not realized that sleeping more than 6 hours and/or sleeping during the day may sometimes in fact be necessary.

I commit myself to give myself sleep/rest when my body indicates it to be necessary, not trying to multitask during the rest by reading, writing etc. while I lay myself down, but by putting everything I am doing off of my hands and allowing myself to stop and fully exist within the time that I dedicate for resting.

What eventually got me through the painful experience was self-forgiveness followed with physically moving myself out of the jammed situation. I wrote, I got up and I went out, and when I returned I changed my physical position within my apartment, which worked out awesomely. Remembering to breathe was also quite helpful!