Day 213: Social welfare & fear of survival

23042013

I am now continuing with what I started opening up yesterday because the same point has been influencing my experience today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself with stress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create resistance to work by stressing about my work, not realizing that I make it more difficult for myself to work when I stress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that “I will not make it”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that “I will screw it up”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be left with no financial support platform and that I will have caused it with my own stupidity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I have caused myself to become dependent on the financial support of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am making a mistake.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself through the eyes of others as “stupid”, “dumb”, “irresponsible”, “childish”, “self-centered” and “ignorant”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my decisions and to not assess my doubts from a practical viewpoint.

Clarifying some of the statements above:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be left with no financial support platform and that I will have caused it with my own stupidity.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of it as “stupidity” when I have misunderstood something and have not realized to figure out the reality of things, perceiving the situation through self-judgement, belittlement and self-hate to exert my fear of survival on myself as self-blame.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is no such thing as “stupidity” (“being unable to comprehend”) aside from actual physical disadvantages (such as with people born disabled), and that my actions have thus not been “stupid” but a consequence of the circumstances where I do not understand how the society around me functions and have misunderstood its mechanisms and made decisions based on my misunderstandings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive myself to have “failed”, not realizing that as I now see where I have misunderstood and take action to sort things out there is no “failure” as I carry my responsibility to do what I can to solve the situation when and as I notice things to require solving.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be left with no financial support platform.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the social welfare system of my country to be such that will allow no one to be left without basic life support and to thus expect it to take care of me no matter how I live my life, being surprised, disappointed and shocked when I found out that there is indeed a possibility to be left without basic life support if certain conditions are not met.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly fear that the social welfare system will not support me as I have perceived it to have denied me support before in situations where I was in need of support, thus creating an expectation based on earlier experiences that the social welfare system doesn't want what's best for me but is unfair in its judgement and demands impossibilities of me.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a fear of the social welfare system based on my previous experiences where I have trusted the system to take care of me and have been “let down” by the system.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid situations where I would have to ask for support from any instance of the social welfare system because I have feared that they will evaluate and judge me and decide that I do not qualify for their support.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when an instance of the social welfare system has followed the rules of the system and denied me access to its resources because I have not been qualified according to this set of rules.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on the social welfare system to recognize value in all life and to thus create plans and make decisions based on this assumption, not realizing that the social welfare system of my country isn't based on unconditional support for all life but on support for those who fit the definition of a “responsible citizen” as defined in the rules of the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry when I realized the system is not flexible and does not consider each applicant's situation thoroughly, not realizing that the system does not have the resources for this kind of work as the officers are already overworked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame “the system” (nation, social welfare, economy, politics) for my adversities as I have felt myself powerless to affect its rules.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that “the world” is hostile towards me out of spite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that “the world” hates me as it does not allow me to live without me complying to its rules.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist working with what the system is right now because I do not agree with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that even though the system isn't right now the best it could be, it is the system I have to work with and live within now as it will not change in a matter of days, weeks or even months – not within the timespan that is relevant to me at the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to co-operate with the system as it is right now because I have seen that the ways I can influence and change it will only have effect years and decades in the future and felt that this is “unfair”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it is “unfair” that I have to deal with a complicated system, not realizing that the system as it is right now is a consequence of the past generations the descendant of which I am, and that, unfortunate as it is, I am responsible to deal with the consequences of what this society has accepted and allowed as I am a part of this society and a creator of the future society my children will have to deal with (which hopefully will be a better one).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that there is nothing personal in the complexities of the system that I need to deal with as I live within it, as the system is the same for everyone – everyone deals with the same bureaucracy, inspections and requirements – or at least everyone who ends up in the financial situation where it is necessary to apply for social welfare.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive the system through my frustration, fear, powerlessness, helplessness and spite and judge the system to be malfunctioning, not realizing that even though the flaws I see are real my interpretation of them isn't.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the social welfare system as “malfunctioning” and thus “rotten” even though it does manage to deliver a lot of people financial support, because I have seen the system's flaws in complexity, understandability, approachability and sometimes also in customer service (which is not only a problem in attitudes but also in resources – these people appear overworked to me).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there are limits to what this current social welfare system can do because the laws and constitutions it relies on are not based on the value of all life but on the importance of monetary profit.

I commit myself to work with this social welfare system as it is right now as I see, realize and understand that the system will not change for as long as I oppose it and refuse to take part in it.

I commit myself to face the officials that handle my application process as human beings one with and equal to me and to realize that most of them are just doing their job and are doing what they can to earn their living and that what they do is in fact in no way personal.

I commit myself to find out what is possible for me and my situation within the current rules of the system and to do what I can to ensure myself a base foundation for my living expenses.

Also, I commit myself to do this from a practical perspective and to work my way through my emotional reactions as I see, realize and understand that I make it more difficult for myself to work through this if I haze my view with emotions.

I commit myself to keep walking this point until I am clear on it.