keskiviikko 17. huhtikuuta 2013

Day 207: Making process heavier


When I woke up this morning I noticed an experience / a thought within me that said: “I don't want to wake up – that means I'd have to process things again”, with the perception that “being in process is rough”. I haven't noticed thoughts/experiences like this before and I noted this down, and it appears to now link to something else that happened today.

In the morning at work I had a strange moment of miscommunication with a customer, an old man. He was trying to get his order through and I was trying to figure out if I understood him correctly, and he reacted to my words by saying “I'm not dumb, I can read”, yet he never answered my question. So this went on for a while and we got the situation cleared out, he got what he wanted and considering the practical reality things were cool. However, I had within the interaction reacted with the fear of “losing a customer” as he seemed insulted and I for a second thought that he might just storm out the door. This specific fear is linked to many points which I realized had been activated, and as I noticed a sharp pain in my shoulders right after the interaction and realized that it was an indication of what had happened within me right then and there, I thought to myself: “Alright, this is my chance to solve this point!” And started looking into it – but for some reason I went completely wrong.

I did find some of the actual underlying points, but whenever it came to forgiving them, I noticed myself crashing and the pain worsening. It was like “hey, maybe this is what I should do” and I tried it with the expectation/hope/desire that it would magically work, which it of course didn't. My starting point for solving the issue was to end the physical pain and discomfort and to “get things overwith”, and not to actually face what was going on. It was as if I was looking for an easy way out.

And so I realized that I had been making the situation more difficult for myself by trying to process things by force, you know, gritting my teeth and growling and pushing, lol. I made it more complex by trying to solve things through mind and intellect instead of stopping to rely on my physical to tell me what's up. I noticed the pain in my shoulder and immediately grabbed it, thinking “a-ha, this must be it” and analyzing it through and through without stopping to allow the energy to dissolve and the tension to loosen up.

I realize how this is a direct continuation to the heavy experience I had when waking up. I sometimes feel burdened by this process I am walking because I make it stressful by setting goals and ideals for myself, not realizing that I will do all that I can but that I cannot do any more than I am able to – and that I am not able to foresee any of this as my future is a result of how I live my current moment. Therefore I cannot really set any goals because I cannot know who I will be in a day, week, month or a year; the pace of one's process cannot be predicted or predetermined.

So why am I making it heavier than usual right now? Is there a goal/ideal I have set? Well, as my worst hurries have just ended and I have had a couple of days to recover I have thought that “now I have time to catch up on my process”, this meaning that I have time to continue with DIP Lite and invest more in daily writing. So perhaps I associate “catching up” with “more results” or something? I don't know. But it may also be the fact that now that I've had a couple of days of rest (somewhat, I still work and study and stuff) I feel like the world ought to “give me a break” from everything so that I could “just be”. But right now I am “just being”, I have no hurries, sitting down and writing, doing just the things I enjoy doing such as studying, cooking, exercising. So what's missing? Is it a craving for no responsibilities at all – so that I would have to do nothing at all – it's the “have to” that is off here. I feel like I “have to” walk my process. It feels like an inescapable burden. In this I forget the release, stability, health, freedom and joy there is in walking the process as I get a hold of actual living and shed the shackles of my mind.

Maybe it would be in order to remind myself the process I have walked thus far and how it has affected the quality of my life. I only have to rewind a year or two to find myself in a mental state that was easily disturbed and flung into anxiety, depression and panic. I was utterly dependent on other people and unable to tolerate my own company without distraction (i.e. entertainment). I had fixations on other people as I had no inner stability and reached for stability points in my environment. I was indecisive, fearful and unsure about the direction of my life. I was highly spiritual and believed in energy as a special kind of a magic force that some special individuals could practice and refine, and I saw my position within this structure justified. I was dependent on my personalities to survive interaction with others and I had never faced my true level of insecurity. I was blaming others for my adversities – childhood bullying was the bullies' fault, sexual abuse was the abuser's fault, bad relations to a family member where the other's fault, my lack of direction was the society's fault. I was unable to carry responsibility for myself.

I look at what I wrote here and it's all true with no exaggeration, even though it feels like it from where I'm standing now. I am not saying I have transcended all of this completely, but I am most definitely on my way there. I am glad to be here now, and I wouldn't be here if I hadn't faced myself with self-honesty (boy, was it ugly at first) and supported this with writing. I am relieved – re-lived, reborn.

So to think of walking my process as “heavy” is not exactly incorrect, as it is the most difficult thing I have ever done and certainly not a cake walk, but it is not “heavy” in the sense that it would be a burden, like something undesirable – I know what the result will be and I am most willing to do what it takes to get there. It is my responsibility to do what I can with the understanding that I've got, as it is a privilege to have such living conditions where it is possible to get to this point. And so it is not a responsibility that I would carry with disdain or bitterness – it is one that I am glad to live by, as I know it will result in a world that is somewhat better to all, firstly by stabilizing my beingness into such that is bearable to live within.

I'll continue with self-forgiveness and guidelines for practical application.

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