Day 194: Communication patterns from parents

03042013

I realized which communication patterns I have picked up from my parents and how. I was thinking about a situation where I refrained from telling something relevant to another by planning and preparing until I was absolutely certain that what I was telling was fully covered and could not be changed. I could've shared the info a couple of months earlier, but I wanted to be “sure” and so the information ended up being a bit of a shock to the other.

I then remembered that this is what my father does – this is what I have witnessed him do for all of my life – being “absolutely certain” was a trait of his “father character”. I have seen him disguise his fear as certainty by planning way ahead, having all emergency exits and explanations covered before he mentions anything to anyone. This has led to many destructive situations.

So I turned to thinking about my mother and what communication patterns have I picked up from her. I saw that unlike my father she hasn't been that much of a planner, but she has been one to blurt things out of her mouth in emotional turmoil and then feel ashamed and guilty for it. So there's a pattern of self-blame.

It is fascinating as I now combine these and look at how they have manifested in me. I have learned from both that speaking up and following your initial impulse is not a good thing – it is to be feared. Following the impulse might lead to self-humiliation. The survival mechanisms my parents have utilized have been different (attempting to control – succumbing to control), but the core reason has been the same. My father has been at war to save his face while my mother has given up the battle before it even begun.

I have throughout my life planned interactions extensively to such a point where I haven't been sure whether a discussion has actually happened or not. This is really creepy because it fits the description of psychosis (losing touch with the external reality). I still do this to some extent, but it has decreased by some amount after I started walking my process.

And when it comes to the mother pattern, I haven't been that conscious of my words being “inappropriate” or something and I don't see myself to have been a “blurter” – but when I have perceived myself to have made a mistake or failed, I have taken it extremely hard and personally. The humiliation and shame has been crushing. As far as I recall the moments when I have felt humiliation have been moments where I have had other kids around me and created/intensified this feeling through their reactions.

When I look at the father pattern I can see that it is caused by a fear of conflict / chaos which is why the need to control the situation is imposed through planning. I fear that if I do not have all of my bases covered the other might attack a “weak spot”. I do this planning by reviewing things I would like to say based on the image/format/shape I have of the other in my mind: “how would he/she react to this?” And before I know it I play out entire situations as a puppet show in my mind and only then try them out in real life – which quite often is then no longer possible or doesn't work out because of the planning itself.

The mother pattern comes from my mother's (and her mother's and her mother's and her mother's and so forth) childhood experiences where she was violently “put into her place” and she learned to survive by succumbing and making herself as small as possible. So when I react to a mistake/failure by making myself small/weak/guilty I am trying to escape/survive the punishment that my environment is apparently going to give me.

So next I've got to look at how these manifest in my practical living and how they can be changed.