18-19042013
This post is a continuation to:
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that walking the process
of releasing myself from the mind is a burden, not realizing that as
I use/think/experience the word “burden” I connect my experience
of walking the process to undesirability, which creates resistance
towards the experience, and that I hereby make it more difficult for
myself to walk the process and actually bring into flesh the “burden”
that originally only existed within my mind as a perception.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the commitment to
write each day is “limiting”, “restraining”, “suffocating”
and “binding”, this resistance indicating that my resolution to
write is not fully clear.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the clear structure and rhythm of this commitment to write each day is not to limit me but to support me to establish self-discipline.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear the commitment to write every day for at
least 7 years because I have perceived it to be a “loss of
freedom”, yet never asking myself “freedom to do what”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that the “freedom” I desire
within this fear of “loss of freedom” is freedom from
responsibility, freedom from understanding, freedom from action –
the freedom to accept and allow the world to burn around me as I
close my eyes and drown into the fascination of my own mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to resist my commitment to write every day for at
least 7 years as I have not fully embraced my reasons for doing it.
[Here I did private self-forgiveness
for my reasons to begin writing my Journey to Life -blog and to
accept the challenge of daily writing. My main reason for it was the
fact that I had run out of reasons not to: I wanted to write, I
wanted structure, I wanted support, I wanted to challenge myself, I
needed to start making some sense of the stuff welling up within me.
I was not completely clear on my starting point, though, and now I'm
sorting it out.]
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to create a resistance towards writing because I
have done it partly from the starting point of “trying to be
enough”, seeking for acceptance/approval/validation from others by
publishing my writings, and thus setting myself a goal/ideal when and
as I write [goal = write a good text / good text = one that receives
positive feedback from others], thus not writing from the starting
point of writing for myself but instead writing through fear which
becomes a burden as it accumulates every time I write from this
starting point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that my writing is most effective
and constructive when I write to understand myself and not to be
understood by others – in the sense that others would need to give
me the experience of “being understood” when I lack this
self-acceptance and certainty in myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself, when and as I have written something that seems
to “fall in place” (when and as I fully realize and understand
what I have written), to automatically think “now others will
respect me (for this realization)” as I revel in the elevation I
give to myself as a “reward” for “writing well” - thus
compensating for my insecurity by assigning myself a status that is
“respectable”/”approvable” in the eyes of others instead of
just accepting the result of my writing, approving myself and moving
on to the next point in my process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that my need to receive validation
from others, as manifested in my starting point for publishing my
writings, is inherently linked to my insecurity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to participate in my process through disdain and
weariness. [negative polarity]
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to participate in my process through excitement
and joy. [positive polarity]
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to participate in the process through polarities,
seeing it as either “bad” or “good” when in fact it's neither
– it is simply what is necessary when considering the reality that
we share as All Life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to perceive the process to be “good”, “the
best”, “my saviour”, “awesome” and “the one and only
truth”, not seeing it for what it is: a method among methods, and
the one that appears to work the best for me (and many others) right
now.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to perceive the process to be “troublesome”,
“tiresome”, “hard”, “difficult”, “too much”, “not
for me”, “demanding” and “ruthless” as I have seen myself
as “less” than the process, not realizing that I AM the process
and thus cannot be “less” or “more” but am in fact one with
it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to separate myself from the process by glorifying
it / demonizing it as I have not seen, realized and understood that I
am one with and equal to the process and that therefore it cannot be
of a different value than myself or anyone else.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that it is us, all of us, everyone
and everything that lives that is walking their own process of
development* more or less aware of it and thus living as the process
– and that there is thus no one separate from the process as we are
all living the process.
[*Note: the word “development”
holds neither a positive nor a negative value to me, so I'm not
saying that each being's process would automatically be going
“upwards” or towards the best possible outcome – it needs to be
directed there – and so it is foolish to think that “eventually
all will end well” as if in time everyone will be “enlightened”
with no effort at all.]
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to elevate those who are aware of their process
and direct it according to the same principles that I do, not
realizing that with this I create more separation and do not take
into consideration that it is rare for people to have such living
conditions (basic living requirements, stable family environment,
education, freedom to move within society) where becoming aware of
one's process would be possible, and that I cannot thus deem those
who are unaware as “less than” “us” as I cannot know where
they stand in their process and why.
--
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself, when and as I have noticed a point activating, to
react with the fear of the point “slipping away” where I would
lose my chance to face and direct the point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to try and “solve” a point with the mind as
intellect, logic and reasoning, not realizing that this is by no
means the same as facing and directing the point, as when I try to
“figure out” the point with the mind I separate myself from it
and refuse to stand as one with and equal to the point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear not solving a point when it activates as I
fear “screwing up” the opportunity that is here because I
perceive and believe that if the point “slips away” I might never
be able to face it again and then I would live as an incomplete being
and would judge myself to be a “failure”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to judge myself to be a “failure” when I have
not succeeded in facing and directing a point that has activated
because I fear the work load ahead of me as I fear one lifetime will
not be enough to sort all of my shit out.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an ideal of how one “succeeds” in facing a point and to thus react every time this idea is not reached.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to perceive and believe the process ahead of me to
be “bigger” than me, here mistaking the duration of something to
indicate it is “more” than me (process lasts a lifetime – my
subjective experience lasts for one breath at a time), not realizing
that the vastness of the process is the vastness of who I am – that
I am the process ahead of me – I am the process I walk.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to separate myself from my process as I have not
seen, realized or understood that the material I am working with is
all that I have accepted and allowed – not what someone else has
accepted and allowed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear I will not sort myself out because of the
vastness of all my bullshit, not realizing that I will get as far as
I get within this lifetime and that no amount of stressing, fearing
or planning will assist me in getting any further; only
moment-to-moment forgiveness and application will accelerate my
movement within my process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not trust myself to deal with the points that
activate within and as breath and as physical expression and instead
hold onto my mind and try to push myself to “sort out” the points
with intellect, logic and reasoning.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe I need the mind to face and direct the
points that activate and to not dare to let the mind go at the face
of a challenge as I have been afraid of failure and with this tried
to ensure my success.
When and as I am faced with an
activating point (pain/energy/sensations/patterns in the physical
and/or activity in the mind as
thoughts/images/scenes/memories/associations/habits), I stop, I
breathe and I realize that an essential thing when facing a point is
to return myself to and stabilize myself in breath and to listen to
my physical body. I breathe with a slow and steady rhythm and feel
the motion of my breath in my body. I move my focus onto my body and
take note of whatever sensations I find. I then take note of whatever
happened within my mind when and as the point activated. As I keep
myself stable in breath I look at what I saw in the physical and in
the mind. I will not backchat about what I found in the mind as then
I would be participating in it and validating its existence. I will
not accept and allow myself to create disdain/rejection towards the
physical sensations as then I would be separating myself from my
physical existence by not wanting to be one with and equal to it. I
will instead keep on breathing and I will embrace and breathe through
the physical sensations. I will realize that my mind is not who I am
even though it indicates who I am at the moment, and that my
thoughts/backchat/etc. should not be taken personally. I then move
myself according to my experience within the realization that the
process doesn't always move in leaps but small inches at a time and
that if I don't appear to be moving at lightning-speed I might still
be making progress.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to perceive and believe that I “have to” walk
my process as I have seen realized and understood this to be what is
necessary and mistaken this necessity for a demand.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to assign the words “necessity”, “necessary”
and “need” a negative charge where I connect these words to
“burden”, “have to”, “no choice” and “no freedom”,
thus making it harder for me to live according to what is necessary
as I perceive it to be limiting and eroding.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to resist adapting to that which is necessary as I
have wanted to stick to the old and comfortable instead of living out
change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that within necessities I
have “no freedom of choice”, not realizing that I may always
choose otherwise – the fact that I don't, however, indicates that I
have already made my decision and now only refuse to fully stand
within the decision.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to doubt my decisions instead of looking directly
at the reasons why I do not fully stand within my decisions – with
writing for example, doubting the process and tool of writing instead
of looking at why I am not getting the most out of writing and why I
resist it.
I commit myself to carry on writing my
7 year Journey to Life blog daily if by any practical means possible.
I commit myself to write about what I
experience in my daily living and how I apply myself, and to thus
write from the starting point of sharing, documenting and structuring
my process.
I commit myself to stop myself whenever
I stress about writing and to remind myself I will only hinder my
writing by stressing about it, and I commit myself to breathe and
release myself from the stress before I continue writing, even if I
am writing about the experience of stress itself.
I commit myself to reserve at least 1
hour of my day to writing.
I commit myself to trust myself to know
what to write about.
I commit myself to embrace the process
of writing in all its hardship as I see, realize and understand that
the process of writing is all about self-support and building a
reliable foundation for myself, which is the greatest “peace of
mind” that I have found so far.
I commit myself to rely on myself to
work my way through this process no matter how long it takes, as I
have already shown myself in a relatively short period of time that I
am in fact able to change.
I commit myself to not despair when a
point remains unclear despite my efforts to “sort it out” within
the realization that eventually all that I have missed will come back
to me, be it before death or after.
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