06042013
Alright. There is a mother point I have
been looking at today, which I have remembered while sewing. I
associate sewing very much with my mother because she taught me to
sew when I asked her to in the age of 15. She is a seamstress by
earlier profession and I find it very valuable that she has passed on
her skill and knowledge to me (or at least some of it). Most of my
time sewing has been spent with her under her guidance and
supervision.
I remembered today how she, while
teaching me in my teens, sometimes used to snap at me if I made a
mistake while sewing. I for instance made a mistake cutting the
fabric and she would react to it with displeasure (“harmi” in
finnish), with a sharp and amplified voice – I can't remember the
exact words she used but I remember the tone because she still uses
it occasionally.
I realize she never did this to attack
me or blame me, but was simply expressing her displeasure (“harmi”)
towards the situation in which she would have to work extra to fix my
mistake. She is/was impulsive in her behavior and expression and did
not consider how I would as a child see her reaction.
The earliest memory I have of her doing
this (reacting to my mistakes) is from when I was around 5-6 years
old. She was teaching me how to bake and showing me how to break
eggs. I had never broken an egg before and so I dropped some of the
egg shells into the batter, and she reacted to this by showing her
displeasure with sharp, loud words (maybe saying “no” or “not
like that” or something) – and I instantly took this personally
as if she was blaming me and telling me I was bad, and I ran off
crying. She later comforted me and I calmed down, but I now see what
actually happened wasn't really dealt with.
Now, this has been my reaction always,
also when she taught me to sew as a teenager; only then I did not
burst into tears but suppressed my self-blame (“she is blaming me”
- “I'm not doing well” - “I'm bad at this”) and I started
talking back at her. My response to my mother exerting her emotions
on me has been to counter-attack – and this pattern repeats in
other instances of receiving feedback as well. Right now as I think
of it I can draw up many memories from for example theatre and and
restaurant work where I have refused to take feedback but instead
started talking back, making excuses and explanations and casting
responsibility on others. So the rebellion is a survival mechanism
with which I avoid facing my self-blame but instead blame others for
being “wrong”.
I now see that this pattern has been
created upon the misunderstanding of a child. As a 5-year-old I was
simply unable to comprehend (due to undeveloped cognition) that my
mother's reaction was not caused by me and that her blame was not
directed to me but to herself. So I have carried this
misunderstanding onto the rest of my life where I have believed that
if another judges me (or I perceive another to judge me) I must have
made a mistake; if another reacts I am to blame.
Fascinating. I am now glad to have this
realization written down, and I commit myself to expand on it in
later writings.
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