Days 200-201: Fear of change / fear of loss

09-10042013

I faced a moment where I feared that me taking a stance - knowing who I am, deciding how to live and sticking to this decision - would repel another person. I was living out correction in my behavior and noticed “signs” from another that seemed to indicate retreat, and I got this empty feeling, as if I had “lost my chance” or “missed out on” something, and I wavered in my decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the changes in my environment (as caused by the changes within me) with fear as I feared losing something that used to be “in my reach” but apparently wasn't there anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my instant interpretation of reality and validate it by participating in the following reaction, not realizing that my instant interpretation of my surroundings is just guesswork as I have not yet stopped to fully consider and investigate what actually happened.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret happenings in my environment to be “signs” that are directly linked to my experience, not realizing that the happenings of my environment are not necessarily caused by me – that the happenings of my environment and my inner movements are two different things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing another person because of the decisions I've made to stick to certain principles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the inevitable change of my environment that follows the change that happens in me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider abandoning my decisions or making compromises so that I would not lose another person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear “losing” another, not realizing that people are never truly lost from each other as the flesh stays here unfaltering even though the mind may draw barriers in between us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear “losing” another because of what the other represents to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel empty when perceiving another to be “gone”, not realizing that I have been reacting to the loss of those attributes which I perceive myself to lack and the other one to have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek relationships in which the other “fulfills me” by living as the attributes I lack so that I wouldn't have to develop these traits in myself – not realizing that this is to live as mutually accepted self-abuse and abuse as oneself is accepted and allowed to be less than who one actually is and also to elevate oneself at the expense of another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing things I find valuable because I perceive the decisions I have made to be “radical”, “unorthodox”, “unacceptable” - fearing that others will judge me, think less of me and distance themselves from me – not realizing that if others actually choose to do so it is the logical outflow of my actions and an indicator of who these people are and thus should not be taken personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when (I perceive) others (to) disagree with who I am and how I decide to live, not realizing that as I for example make a public choice to live according to the principle of self-honesty people will react to it in different ways - those who are “on the same level” with the principle will approach and those who are not will retreat – and that this is simply the consequence of speaking up and making a statement that is absolutely certain and not a compromise so that there is no “gray area” of indecisiveness where people could linger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if another retreats when and as I live as the principle of self-honesty, it is better for the both of us to be apart as we are not willing to co-exist according to the same principles (at least not yet).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to “run after” another as he/she retreats, holding onto my affection for a familiar/valuable component of my life, not realizing that affection here is just my relationship of dependency towards another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “run after” another by making compromises and retreating from my decisions, living as complete and utter self-sabotage and self-compromise where I give up on growth for the sake of comfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that moment of emptiness where I have lived out a correction and something old vanishes and where I do not have a pattern to follow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the lack of something familiar/valuable when and as I have lived out a correction, participating in the fear reaction and thus creating a desire to have the familiar/valuable thing back so that I wouldn't have to face the emptiness that is in fact – me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the empty state in which I have no plans and no prepared patterns or formats to act upon, just movement and creation, as I have not trusted myself to be able to live through such moments and have accepted and allowed myself to fall back into consciousness and thought.

I commit myself to face my fear of change as my life changes with the choices, decisions and commitments I make, and I commit myself to investigate this fear thoroughly as I see, realize and understand that this fear will only slow down my process as I move through constant resistance.

I commit myself to realize that every time I fail to live by a decision / commitment I've made by choosing to act against my decision / commitment I do harm onto myself as this slows down my process and may even freeze it completely.

When and as I doubt a decision / commitment / correction I have made, wanting to abandon my stance – I stop, I breathe and I realize that the commitment is null until / unless I consistently live according to it. I remind myself that the consequences of falling from a commitment are brought upon myself completely – if I now accept and allow myself to fall I will pay the price. I breathe and I face the emptiness of the moment where it appears as if “something is missing” and I realize that I'm reacting to the absence of the old habit / pattern. I realize that I can now choose how to “fill” this emptiness – how to utilize it – how to move within it. I breathe, I consider the practical reality and I move based on my consideration.

When and as I react with fear to “losing” another person, with the image of another turning away from me and walking away – I stop, I breathe and I realize that this moment is where a tie of dependency is broken and that I react because I fear standing on my own. I ground myself to my physical existence with breathing and remind myself that there is nothing more certain than breath: as I stand here breathing I am proving myself I am able to stand on my own. I investigate the relationship at hand if necessary, and I then forgive myself and embrace the emptiness which is in fact myself.