Days 203-204: Martyrdom - seeking for attention through suffering

13042013

http://merkchen.deviantart.com/art/Martyr-197532183

I will now deal with the martyrdom point I mentioned in my previous post.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my lack of sleep, perceiving and believing others to be responsible for my deprivation of my daily necessities because I am working “for others” to fulfill “their demands” - not realizing that I am the one who chooses how to live my life, schedule my tasks and fulfill my daily needs, and that the lack of sleep is a consequence of my own decisions and therefore my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my lack of sleep on others so that I could elevate myself at the expense of others by making them seem “less” and me appear “more”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of myself as a “hero” for cutting down on sleep for the sake of others, not realizing that there is nothing “heroic” in living as self-abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to glorify myself for my self-abuse, thinking that there is glory in suffering, as an attempt to “get the best out of” a situation that is draining.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and turn my negatively charged situation into a positively charged situation so that I could compensate for the negative, not realizing that I am just tossing from one polarity to another when I should be seeking stability that is neither of these.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, instead of seeing the situation as it actually is (what is going on and what is my responsibility) and thus finding stability, to seek for a “way out” of the situation through polarities by perceiving a negative experience to be positive (i.e. glorifying suffering) or a positive experience to be negative (i.e. guilt).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to give me recognition for my suffering because if they didn't my suffering would have been in vain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if no one notices my suffering it has no value – this indicating that I have assigned suffering a value dependent on attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for attention, sympathy and acceptance with suffering, which I now see to be a pattern learned as a child because as a child I wanted the attention of others and when not getting any I would have pain and suffering as a last resort which no one could ignore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resort to the same tactics I used as a child to compensate for my sense of smallness, insecurity and instability by manipulating others as their mind consciousness systems into giving me validation through sympathy/pity when I disable myself from giving myself value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for acceptance from others through attention and sympathy as I have not gifted myself with self-acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure about whether the effort I give into my work is “enough”, whether my work holds any relevant value and whether my suffering is for a valid purpose, and to thus seek for that security and certainty that I lack from the acceptance and validation of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hesitant to stand within my resolution as I have feared the reaction of my environment, and to instead make myself “unresolved” and uncertain and to seek a resolution from my environment, because then the environment is sure to be friendly and not attack.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect praise for my suffering because I am used to getting it as I live in a society that glorifies self-sacrifice in the name of work as the level of one's success is measured through how hard it has been to reach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that an action that was difficult holds “more” value than an action that was not difficult – not realizing that in fact all action is equal movement which is aligned with the physical, and that if there is difficulty doing something (if not for a practical reason) it is because I resist doing it, which is an illusionary state of mind which I accept and allow to affect how I move.

14042013

I commit myself to carry responsibility for the fulfillment of my physical needs and to no longer blame others if they are not fulfilled, as I now see, realize and understand that as I do not live under anyone's command by force but as a free individual, I am the only one who truly decides how I take care of my physical body (within the borders/limitations of the society and the practical reality).

I commit myself to no longer blame others for any unfulfillment of my physical needs as I now see, realize and understand that to blame is to exert my emotions (fear, distress, panic) regarding the unfulfillment on others.

When and as I feel like blaming another for an unfulfilled physical need (sleep, nutrition, exercise), I stop, I breathe and I realize that I am exerting my energetic response to the situation onto others. I investigate my experience and I name the emotions/feelings I am experiencing. I then look at what is causing these emotions to rise within me and investigate the situation at hand to see why I react to this unfulfillment instead of dealing with it practically. I also look at my reason to blame this specific person/group/entity for my suffering. I then forgive myself, release the points at hand and open them up in writing if necessary, and I return to the situation at hand and deal with the physical need in a practical manner.

I commit myself, when and as I am living through an experience that is painful, burdensome or distressing, to seek for stability in breath and practicality instead of looking for compensation in positive experiences.

I commit myself to not seek for attention and sympathy from others with my painful, burdensome or distressing experience in order to elevate myself, and I commit myself to instead clarify my starting point before I share my experience to ensure I know in self-honesty why I am sharing my experience; I do not encourage myself to suppress my self-expression but to stand within it with certainty whatever it is – i.e. if I feel like I need attention from another and am about to seek it through manipulation, I stop, I breathe and I realize that I am seeking acceptance because I feel powerless to give it to myself. I may then express this to another if I so choose.

I commit myself to further investigate this point as I see that there are more dimensions to open up.