maanantai 8. huhtikuuta 2013

Days 198-199: Searching for comfort when life is "too much"



07042013

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my experience more dramatic, heavy, burdensome and difficult than it actually is by saying things like “oh god this is too much”, “how am I ever going to manage this”, “this is never going to end” - making my experience seem bigger than it is and believing it to be “too much” so that I would be justified to seek for attention, care and sympathy from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see my situation as it actually is, as what is really here without all of the emotional connotations, just things that need to be taken care of, and to thus not carry responsibility for the situation and what needs to be done as I have refused to look at what is here and have instead only seen and held on to my dramatized view of things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abandon myself and refuse to take care of myself as I have seen myself helpless and powerless to deal with my situation as I have perceived it to be “too much” for me, thus excusing myself to look for attention, sympathy and care from others when I should in fact be gifting it to myself by considering the practical reality of things and the best possible course of action within these circumstances I am in right now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize when to give up on things even when the practical reality so requires, holding on to ideas, plans and concepts that would have served their purpose in different circumstances but which right now no longer do not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a desire to give up on everything as I have perceived my situation to be “too much”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disempower myself from having energy to fully commit myself to my work by perceiving the amount and difficulty of my work to be “too much”, thus acting through a constant resistance and making every movement heavier.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as the “helplessness character”, purposefully appearing powerless and magnifying my fatigue in order to receive sympathy from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish for someone to give me sympathy, attention and care so that I wouldn't have to face myself and the self-sabotage I am living as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed when I haven't received attention, sympathy and/or care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uplifted when I have received attention, sympathy and/or care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship of disdain towards those who didn't give me attention, sympathy and/or care when I hoped for it. (disappointment)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship of love towards those who gave me attention, sympathy and/or care when I hoped for it. (relief)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape my responsibility of taking care of the things that need to be done by escaping to the attention, sympathy and care received from others.

--

08042013

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not discern between the actual reality and my perception of reality as I have rather believed my dramatic interpretation of life than the undramaticness of what is actually here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the word “undramatic” or the opposite of dramatic to be “boring”, “dull” and “uninteresting”, thus charging the word “dramatic” with positive values such as “interesting”, “edgy”, “fascinating”, “entertaining” and creating a desire for dramatic events – not stopping to realize what drama and dramaticness actually is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what I have dubbed as “dramatic” within my life experience – conflict, great emotions, varying events, “good stories” - are things that only have value on the mind level as thoughts, images, concepts, stories and ideas but have no practical value whatsoever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assign conflict a positive value in terms of “dramaticness” because conflict is required in a good story.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive big and powerful emotions and feelings to be a good thing because I have confused them to be what life is about – that the “essence of life” is folded into these moments of highs and lows – not realizing that life is here non-stop, constantly present within each and every breath equally and not “more” in some moments and “less” in others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assign eventfulness and the great variety of experiences a positive value in terms of “dramaticness” because a great amount of varying stimuli keeps the mind busy and fed with energy and allows me to avoid facing my fear of boredom – fear of emptiness – fear of death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that life is about drama – that life is drama – when in fact drama and storytelling are simply tools to convey abstract concepts about the practical reality, which can then be brought through realizations into actions in the practical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get so caught up in drama and its tools and methods that I look at life through a drama filter to see my life as a movie-like story in which some moments are highlighted and others are completely skipped.

To bring this to what I went through yesterday:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself to be living through a “low point” in the story of my life, reinforcing and feeding this perception by creating a status difference between me and life (helplessness vs. overwhelmingness) and thus separating myself from life as I believed myself to be powerless to direct my life experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine how the story would continue from this “low point” onwards by thinking of ways I could work my way towards a new “high point” - not realizing that this would then again lead to another “low point” from which the cycle would go on and on with me never reaching actual stability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mistake the “high points” to be stability, when in fact they are just the other polarity in the endless yin-yang-loop of energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine a story line to my life in which I am “saved” from the “low point” I am living in – not realizing that as I have caused the “low point” myself I am also the one to pull myself out of it back into stability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope for intimacy, closeness and tenderness from others so that I would be distracted from the discomfort I am in and thus "saved" from my “low point” of anxiety, lostness, neglect, abuse and despair – not realizing that I am blaming my self-induced troubles on others and thus also hoping for others to save me when I should be carrying responsibility for all of this myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope for a comforting energy high, not realizing that in this case what I mean by comfort is in fact escapism and abdication of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive an experience to be “dramatic” and “big” because it feels overwhelming, not realizing that I in fact create the overwhelmingness by refusing to process the information within the situation as it is but instead filter it through emotions and clog up my system of processing information and moving it onto action.




When and as I feel like something is “overwhelming” I stop, I breathe and I realize that I am clogging up my cognition by filtering the actual information through filters in the mind. I then investigate what it is that I am filtering the information through - an emotion, a feeling, an idea, an assumption, a guess, an expectation, a character/personality – and I clear out this starting point for my experience of overwhelmingness and I re-assess my situation to see what is actually here in terms of the physical reality of time, space and matter.

I commit myself to be stern to myself like a parent to a child when directing myself away from the “high points” and “low points” I am tempted to go along with, as I now see, realize and understand that the only way to stop the loop of desire is through consistent non-participation.

I commit myself to realize that no one is here to save me from myself, and that the good old saying “everyone should clean up their own mess” is actually very much true.

I commit myself to carry responsibility for “my own mess” by assessing each bit of adversity that comes along my way to see how much of it is of my doing and how much of it I can “clean up” or influence – and I commit myself to be absolutely self-honest about this by immediately flagging all points of uncertainty and wavering and investigating further, not stopping until I am steady and clear about the point at hand.

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