19122012
I've been taking it quite easy since
the latest stress peak, and today has been quite a peaceful and a
nice day. Instead of going through my notes to see what point I
should write about I decided I'd write when I have time and about
whatever surfaces when I get to writing – which today happened to
be half an hour before my bed time. As I was walking home from a
friend's house just now I started to think about writing and almost
went into stress, wondering what I should write about, but then I
stopped and told myself to simply have a look at the day I had just
spent and see what was going on today.
And so I started to see a very
interesting point that had been underlying my entire day, and because
my day had been very enjoyable it would've been very easy to miss had
I not stopped and allowed myself to slowly chew through my day. I
realized that today (such as many other days before) I had constantly
been making myself less than who I am. It's a kind of an
unwillingness to stand within and as myself – a sloppiness –
resisting carrying myself – walking around in a kind of a collapsed
state.
I noticed this from thoughts I had had
during our improvisation practice. I kept having the feeling that
“everyone thinks less of me”, wondering if others saw me as “less
interesting than the other people present” - not realizing I of
course seem less to others if I make myself appear that way. There I
had not admitted to myself that I was making myself less than I am,
and thus I projected my own insecurities onto others believing it was
created by others.
As I had identified these specific
thoughts in a specific situation, my whole day kind of opened up. I
had been feeling very odd at work, spacing out all the time, not
really contacting with anyone I met. Later as I met a lot of people I
was present but not really expressing myself, just keeping my
thoughts to myself and refraining from talking.
This is really interesting because I
know I do this a lot, but haven't really mapped out any actual
situations where I make myself less than I am or refuse to carry
myself. Today a factor that has been influencing me has been the fact
that I'm menstruating and thus am in a weakened physical state, and
I'm wondering whether that lack of physical energy has led to me not
having enough “drive” to carry all my personalities through which
I express myself. The lack of physical energy contributing to the
lack of mind energy leading to me giving up on all attempts to carry
a mask (or half-assing these attempts) and ending up slightly
confused as a result, not knowing how to express myself without a
mask.
I'll look into this more. A fascinating
point to open up, as I'm sure there's a shitload of layers here.
Ei kommentteja:
Lähetä kommentti