keskiviikko 19. joulukuuta 2012

Day 89: The "less than myself" persona - introduction


I've been taking it quite easy since the latest stress peak, and today has been quite a peaceful and a nice day. Instead of going through my notes to see what point I should write about I decided I'd write when I have time and about whatever surfaces when I get to writing – which today happened to be half an hour before my bed time. As I was walking home from a friend's house just now I started to think about writing and almost went into stress, wondering what I should write about, but then I stopped and told myself to simply have a look at the day I had just spent and see what was going on today.

And so I started to see a very interesting point that had been underlying my entire day, and because my day had been very enjoyable it would've been very easy to miss had I not stopped and allowed myself to slowly chew through my day. I realized that today (such as many other days before) I had constantly been making myself less than who I am. It's a kind of an unwillingness to stand within and as myself – a sloppiness – resisting carrying myself – walking around in a kind of a collapsed state.

I noticed this from thoughts I had had during our improvisation practice. I kept having the feeling that “everyone thinks less of me”, wondering if others saw me as “less interesting than the other people present” - not realizing I of course seem less to others if I make myself appear that way. There I had not admitted to myself that I was making myself less than I am, and thus I projected my own insecurities onto others believing it was created by others.

As I had identified these specific thoughts in a specific situation, my whole day kind of opened up. I had been feeling very odd at work, spacing out all the time, not really contacting with anyone I met. Later as I met a lot of people I was present but not really expressing myself, just keeping my thoughts to myself and refraining from talking.

This is really interesting because I know I do this a lot, but haven't really mapped out any actual situations where I make myself less than I am or refuse to carry myself. Today a factor that has been influencing me has been the fact that I'm menstruating and thus am in a weakened physical state, and I'm wondering whether that lack of physical energy has led to me not having enough “drive” to carry all my personalities through which I express myself. The lack of physical energy contributing to the lack of mind energy leading to me giving up on all attempts to carry a mask (or half-assing these attempts) and ending up slightly confused as a result, not knowing how to express myself without a mask.

I'll look into this more. A fascinating point to open up, as I'm sure there's a shitload of layers here.

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