27122012
This post is a continuation to:
Part 2 – Rule 1: Be a creature like
no other
This chapter starts out with the
phrase: “Feeling unique is a state of mind.” It then goes on to
describe an appearance of confidence, stability and calmness that is
“a feeling from head to toe” or “an attitude”. In other
words, this chapter advises one to create a character of all the
qualities one would manifest if actually stable, forcing them onto
oneself from the outside even if one doesn't actually feel like it.
It is stated that once you do this long enough, you will eventually
start believing in it yourself.
The chapter then describes a variety of
practical advice, such as going through a positive mantra before
going to a party / date, holding a drink in a party to give your
hands something to do to not seem restless, constantly moving in a
party because “he has got to catch you in movement”, making
another dig out all information from you by not revealing information
unless asked, ending conversations shortly, “not making it easy”
- in other words, being the challenge “men love”.
Now, I see the bullshit here in
justified passiveness, wearing masks, utter dishonesty,
misunderstandings and keeping up “The Game” by consciously living
as a part of “the hunt”. I haven't been all that bad, but I have
believed in the rules of the game, I have felt inferior to them yet
powerless to change them, and in my powerlessness I have complied and
done some of this shit.
During my spiritual days I would
sometimes utilize positive mantras to boost myself before entering a
nerve-wrecking situation, be it related to dating or not. This
“confidence character” is something I have worn to various
extents, and usually it has been reliant on something external, such
as a piece of clothing or how my hair looks. There was a time when in
order to get a specific persons attention I started to ignore him in
parties to make him come to me – which he always did, which I used
to validate my actions – the fact that my trick worked was proof
that it was ok to do it. As my self-confidence has been really shaky
and somewhat nonexistent I have tried to bring it in from the
outside, which has only made it more difficult to realize what actual
“confidence” is – a state of stability that may to others
appear as something “more”, when in fact it's “less”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe confidence is something I can add to
myself through behavior or physical appearance.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to perceive confidence as something external
because I had only ever witnessed confidence on the surface of
others, as something I saw others manifest, not realizing that what I
believed to be confidence was but a collage of external traits and
snapshots of others and not the actual internal experience of those
people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to thus believe confidence is something I can add
on as clothing, hair, make-up, gestures, words and tones, not
realizing I am then living as an image of confidence which is not the
same as the internal experience of stability that manifests a state
of being I perceive and define to be “confidence”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to define my level of confidence based on how
others behave around me as I have limited my behavior around those
that I perceived to be confident.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to “feel confident” and expect others to
submit to me (= validate my illusion of high status) as I have
submitted to those I have perceived to be confident.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to submit to those I have perceived to be
confident, not realizing that I am creating an illusion of status
because I see myself as “less than” another as I see in another
that which I lack and then react with fear, not realizing that this
illusion of status is not real as it exists only in the mind and as
social agreements and that I can simply stop my participation in it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear stopping my participation in the social
agreement of submitting to those of higher status because I have
feared I would then face consequences in the form of the other
attacking me / exerting their power over me. [I'm not sure where this
originates. Might be related to certain family members. I'll have to
investigate more.]
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to choose what to wear based on how confident I
feel in a piece of clothing.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the level of confidence I feel wearing a piece of clothing is determined by what value I assign my appearance while wearing that piece of fabric, which is determined by the beauty ideal I have absorbed from my surroundings and adapted into – not realizing that all clothes present an illusion as I am not the clothes I wear or the shape they form but the body of flesh underneath, and that assigning a value to the appearance of a piece of clothing is to judge a book by its cover.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose to wear a piece of clothing based on appearance at the expense of practicality.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a personality with the feeling I get from a piece of clothing as my starting point. [These are such that I need to go through a piece of clothing at a time.]
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to choose how to put my hair based on how
confident I feel with my hair a certain way.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get attached to wearing my hair a certain way because of the feeling I get from it, not wanting to change how my hair is at the expense of practicality, as I have feared that if I put my hair in a different way my appearance would be “worse” and my confidence would vanish.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the fear of changing my hair has been a sign that my confidence is not genuine stability but a personality that is distracting me from who I am accepting and allowing myself to be.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape myself into the hair-reliant confidence personalities through which I have defined myself.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a personality based on the feeling I get from having my hair a certain way. [Note to self: go through the rasta, redhead, short hair, long hair personalities.]
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to choose to wear make-up because it has made me
feel more confident / secure.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use make-up to cover up the flaws I saw on my face in order to hide and escape who I am, so that I would increase the possibility of others reacting to me in a positive way (which I would reflect back to myself as self-acceptance) instead of a negative way (self-rejection).
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my face to be “flawed” as it did not match the beauty ideal I had absorbed from my surroundings, not realizing that the beauty ideal is not based on the reality as real organic people but on images that are cropped and painted on to create an illusion of perfection, and that my face cannot ever match the ideal as the ideal is not meant to ever be achieved – and that my face is what it is as it reflects who I am, and to see flaws on my face is to live as self-rejection instead of self-acceptance.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am “safe” from judgement within make-up, believing others to judge my “flaws” when in fact I judge myself through my interpretation of the behavior of others, not realizing that as I wear make-up I escape my self-judgement by creating an illusion of “looking good” as I check the mirror to see if I'm “OK”. [The mirror point is of essence here, as it is according to my reflection in the image that I define my self-image and the personality I wear. The feedback of others serves as validation and not as a creating factor.]
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is valid to paint and hide my face as the actual flesh I live within/as because everyone else does it too and it's commonly accepted and glorified in my surroundings, never questioning the act of hiding what I am and asking myself why I really do it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe that my confident party personality (as
defined by make-up, clothing, hair) is who I am, not realizing that
this personality is reliant on a whole bunch of external things and
thus cannot be my actual self as who I am is an internal experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself within this confident personality (reliant on
hair, make-up, clothing, surroundings or other external things) to
adopt a certain kind of a physical way of being within a space, this
beingness consisting of my relationships to all that are present as
seeing myself as above all, in control of all or dominant to all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe this “confidence” to have been
fearlessness, when in fact it has simply been the other side of the
coin, which could have been easily flipped right back into fear had
the right trigger been pushed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to try to control my environment through becoming
“confident” as I perceived “confident” people to control
their environment through others submitting, not realizing I am doing
all of this because I fear being “made less” by others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear people I perceive to be confident because
I fear they would exert their power over me to make me submit, not
realizing that I am the one who “makes” me submit as I accept and
allow myself to be influenced by the stance of another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that a person I perceive to be
confident may appear so for various reasons.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that my interpretation of another
“being confident” is completely of my creation as I project my
own sense of inferiority on others, and that in reality there is no
such thing as “confidence”, just stability and unwaveringness
which is not “more” as the word “confidence” would imply but
“less” as in lack of fear.
I commit myself to choose my clothing
primarily based on practicality as I see, realize and understand that
clothes are here to support my every day practical living and not to
serve as symbols to imaginary statuses and characters.
I commit myself to investigate and
write about the hair personalities that have served as a confidence
boost.
I commit myself to practice my
breathing to stabilize myself here as breath in order to support and
assist myself to become my primary point of stability.
I commit myself to utilize
self-forgiveness in my practical day-to-day living to show myself I
can rely on myself and thus change myself to actually live as that
which I have perceived to be “confidence”.
When and as I react to the presence of
someone I have defined as “confident” (= a high status), I stop
and I return myself to breath. I then investigate the reaction to see
its nature and origin, and I realize that this reaction is caused by
me and not the other person. I then investigate myself with the other
to see what I picked up in the other that I interpreted as
“confidence”, and if necessary / possible, I communicate this to
the other.
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