Days 76-77: Sex is serious business

06-07122012

Not!

Today I realized I have defined sex to be “serious business” - that it is something of grave value that has great and heavy consequences, and thus I have adjusted my behavior accordingly. As I have perceived sex to be something “big” and “extra special”, I have anticipated it according to this definition and believed it is something I have to “perform well” in or “succeed” in – because if I don't, this serious thing is going to be a serious failure. By believing sex is “serious business” I have created myself ideals and goals I absolutely have to achieve in order to not fail – because if sex is “bigger” than other activities, failing in sex is also a “bigger” failure than any other – and thus I caused myself to be incredibly tense and fearful concerning sex.

As I've now been applying my realizations about physical intimacy into practice, in addition to having a lot of fun and being more relaxed with people than in ages, I have realized how much all interaction – all action – is in its essence about playing. Pure play is simply movement with no other purpose than to move oneself to explore.

So, today I slipped into my imagination where an image regarding sex appeared, and even though I had myself been in a “good mood” both in real life as in the preceding imagination images, the transition to an image concerning sex caused me to react in both dimensions. The image of me became suddenly very serious – and myself here in the physical reality reacted with some emotion I haven't identified, but which I'd guess was fear. This is where I realized something's way off and asked myself why I reacted this way.

I remembered something I had completely forgotten or refused to remember. In all my sexual relationships sex has been a serious matter, where people got silent and serious and awkward – except in one. I once had a short “romance” with a man I met abroad while traveling on my own, and even though a lot of things went wrong there, what I experienced within that relationship was that sex was in fact allowed to be fun – it was play – that it was a situation where I didn't have to become grave and think of succeeding, but where I could relax and talk and even laugh. I remember being relieved to learn this, but then things went wrong again and I just rather refused to think about anything that had happened within the relationship. So it was forgotten, and I didn't remember until now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex to be a “serious” matter because I perceived it was something of great importance – more important than other things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive sex to be more important than anything else that happens within relationships, because as a child I misinterpreted sex and relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to participate in the social agreement that states that sex is a thing that is “more” important which yet cannot be discussed – not realizing the controversy within this, as matters of great importance ought to be discussed more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because sex is a “mystery” due to not being discussed it must then be of “more” importance than things that aren't “mysteries”, there placing a value on mysticism and secrets – misinterpreting a taboo to mean “great value” - believing there is value in “figuring out secrets” on your own – not realizing that hiding information that has already been figured out is nothing but fear of losing your position as “the one who figured out secrets” - making all future generations invent the wheel over and over again because of one's own ego – and that none of this thus makes any sense as the humanity is there shooting itself in the leg.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself “smaller than” sex by believing sex is a “mystery” that will in no way assist me to solve it, perceiving it to be a battle I've got to win – in order to become “more than” sex I've got to solve it and strip it of it's value and position.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to solve the “mystery” I had as a child defined sex to be, and consequently also fear that I will not solve the “mystery” of sex – and thus perceive sex to be an enemy / an opponent and seeing myself as separate from sex, not realizing I am in fact one and equal to sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I myself created the “mystery” by misinterpreting the information I received as a child, and that in fact there is no mystery regarding sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive the possible consequences of sex – pregnancy and diseases – to be responsibilities that are “too much” for me to carry, and thus increase the value I assigned for sex in my mind, because in addition to all the “secrets” and the possibility to fail there were also consequences that might destroy me.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am not able to deal with pregnancy, not realizing that I know what needs to be done in such a situation.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am not able to deal with diseases, not realizing that sexually transmitted diseases are mostly treatable with medicine which I have access to.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to take care of precautions that will increase the probability to avoid these consequences, not realizing it all comes down to communication and agreeing to take a conscious risk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive sex as something that might destroy me if I “failed” in it and thus fear and reject sex, and simultaneously force myself towards sex because it was something that one was “supposed to” participate in, not realizing that by suppressing and not dealing with the fear I allowed it to accumulate and manifest consequences in the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an ideal concerning sex, where one would participate in sex and avoid the consequences for as long as possible – that to “succeed” was to avoid pregnancy/diseases for as long as possible / for as long as one wanted to, and that to “fail” was to get a disease and become “contaminated” / get pregnant before one was “ready” for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit and suppress myself as a whole according to this ideal as an image in my mind and the desire/fear of reaching/not reaching this ideal image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that sex is always a gamble, because unless one is sterilized or too old/young the risk of pregnancy will always be there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that diseases can be almost completely avoided with communication and the assistance of health care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe these consequences of sex to be more than what they are, not realizing all actions have matching consequences and that the consequences of sex are thus just that: specific consequences of specific actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive sex to be something I have to “perform well” in to please another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will fail to please another and thus try hard to not fail by being extremely self-conscious in situations where I perceived sex to be a possibility and thus locked myself within a state of “preparedness”.*

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need to “be prepared”* for sex because I have perceived sex to be about pleasing another – about giving and then receiving – misunderstanding giving and receiving to be conditional, when in fact they're simply unconditional impulses for movement to occur.

[*This I need to open up more specifically.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive a sex partner to be “more than” me because he holds that which I desire: acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have to please others in order to receive their acceptance, not realizing the only acceptance I need is my own acceptance of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex to be “serious” because the stakes I had placed were so high: my acceptance, value and self-image all relied on sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define acceptance to be “a reward”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never participate in sex within and as myself but always by projecting myself onto another – seeing myself through the eyes of another – only concerning myself about how I appear to the other instead of asking myself what I'm actually experiencing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when and as I fear failing in sex and try to “survive” sex and not fail by going into the mind as images and see myself through the eyes of another, I'm not here and I am not my directive principle here in the physical – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that every time I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in this I have allowed fear to create an according tension within my body, accumulating the tension every single time, eventually accumulating the tension/fear to such a point where moving myself has become impossible, as I am physically locked into tension/fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have to “survive” sex as I have perceived it to be something I “have to” do even though I was afraid of it, not realizing that besides breathing, eating and sleeping there is nothing I “have to” do in order to maintain my physical existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my curiosity about sex underneath the fear of sex, meaning all the misunderstandings, misinterpretations and misinformation I have accepted as facts and shaped myself according to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize it has not been possible for me to enjoy sex because I have been constantly afraid while participating in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that we are all one and equal as participants in sex – and that because we are all one and equal sex is not a competition or a power game, but in fact an act of playing and exploring as equal beings in motion as one – and that sex is thus not “serious” by nature but playful.

I commit myself to further investigate who I have accepted and allowed myself to become within and as sex.

I commit myself to explore physical touch in whatever ways I come across and choose to participate in, and to further investigate, write and dissolve the points that arise while I do so.

I commit myself to support and assist myself to discuss sex by returning myself to breath whenever I create myself resistance to speak, as I now see, understand and realize that in order to change the world as an entity that does not discuss sex I've got to change myself first.

I commit myself to realize that sex, such as all interaction, is not something one would “have to” do a certain way, but that it is what I make of it – and I commit myself to bring this realization into practice by investigating and exploring myself as an expressive being within all kinds of interaction.