Day 85: Fear of aggression

15122012

When I was a child my father was a very gentle man. He was always cracking jokes and doing fun things with us, even when he was really worn out by work, unless he had a migraine or if things were really really bad. In general he always treated others with respect and kindness and was mostly in a good mood. [I cannot know how much of this was a character he was wearing, and it is not relevant concerning my experience.] I remember that once when my little brother had a party at our house (I was around 18-20) and some older kids came around at night to mess around, being really drunk/high/going through an energy spike and wanting to cause destruction, my father went to face them on the border of our yard. Now, he is a high-ranked military guy and has received some training in the police forces. These kids now threatened to beat him up, and he just stood still calmly and wouldn't go along with the fight, as he saw it wouldn't be rational. He has never been violent. I have never witnessed or heard of him causing any physical harm to anyone.

This is why to me it came as a shock when my father actually sometimes got angry: he would still not touch anyone, but he would shout louder than I could bear. The flaming anger itself was overwhelming enough. These times were rare and usually the result of one of us kids messing up really bad (stealing money, messing up property, behaving stupidly etc.), and I was never his target – this may have been because I never caused any harm, but the fact that I never caused any harm may have been because I didn't want to face his (or anyone's) wrath. [Avoiding conflict – noted.]

Now, this has resulted with both me and my sister developing the same kind of fear, where we completely shut down when faced with an aggressive person. Both of us have faced this within relationships, and we have both tracked this down to our father, as we both experienced him the same way. We discussed this a few years back and then we were at the exact same point; as the same issue came up a few weeks ago my sister, according to what she told me, is still stuck with the same issue and is in fact submitting to it, whereas I have been starting to see that this is not ok and that I will not accept this anymore. Why would I limit myself according to the emotional outbursts of another, especially if they come from a person who I can trust will not harm me physically? Why would I allow the words and energy of another to move me? What if I just let it flow through me, past me, seeing it for what it is: the energy of another. Why would I keep on taking the aggression of another personally? Tackling this issue will not only help me, but it might be of assistance to my sister and others struggling with the same issue. Not to expect anyone to change, but seeing the effect the change of one may have on one's surroundings.

So now to go through how I positioned myself towards my father concerning aggression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my father as a gentle and kind man and thus create an expectation that he will always be that way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an image of my father where he was gentle and kind based on the generalization I made on what I saw of his behavior, instead of realizing that people change all the time and that no behavior can be foretold, and that as I generalize I'm not taking into consideration the entire reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I know who another is based on my experience of them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that just like my own experience is unique and only mine to conceive in its entirety, so are the experiences of others such that no other can ever completely comprehend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I know my father to be such a person who is always kind and will never be aggressive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I first witnessed my father to be angry as I interpreted by his words, tone and body language, to react with fear as my image of him got broken and he suddenly became something I could not control as images in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to control my reality in my mind by creating images of things and thus making them predictable/controllable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I create images in my mind as an attempt to control the reality to minimize all risk and danger, I limit myself from experiencing life as it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create images/stereotypes/characterizations about people within my mind I expect them to behave according to as an attempt to control my environment because I was afraid of people. [Why was I afraid of people?]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create characterizations about my family members in my mind as an attempt to control my living environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my father's loud voice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thus develop a fear of people who shout or use their voice loudly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think a person expressing themselves in a loud voice is threatening and should thus be feared.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that aggressive shouting is an attack towards me because I take it personally and that it can thus harm me, not realizing the only way voice/words can harm me is by my own acceptance and allowance within/as the mind and that it is thus an illusion and nothing more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the emotional expression of another personally, not realizing they are creating the experience themselves and are thus responsible for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go with the anger of another, perceiving the other to blame me and thus complying and blaming myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if another is angry he/she is blaming me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the anger of another is justified, as I have seen emotions/feelings to have value and that the value was all the bigger if the energy was bigger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to validate the anger of another by submitting to it.

A memory where I was sitting in our living room reading a book and my little brother was on the couch. He had done something really bad and he was restless because my mother had confronted him about it. I heard my mother telling my father about this in the kitchen. I hear my father coming in and starting to shout at my little brother. [I can't remember how old we were; probably somewhere in between 10-14.] My brother would sink into the couch and cry into the pillows somewhat loud but speechless. My father was very angry and shouted and blamed my brother. I remember feeling sorry for my brother because I saw the shouting was really scary to him and that he was crying mainly because of the shouting. I was really scared and pulled back in the chair, sinking behind the book I was reading and just listening to the words of my father as there was no way I could escape them. I was petrified. I can't remember his exact words, but he spoke of responsibility and was making sure my bother knew what he had caused. I don't recall him calling my brother any names, but he was harsh and straightforward, venting all of his frustration over our situation onto my brother. My father shouted for maybe half a minute and then walked out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be surprised about my father shouting as I did not expect it, and then react to this unexpected event (= not having control over my reality) with fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my father as “bigger than” me because he had a powerful voice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as “powerless” in comparison to my father because his voice was powerful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear voice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that unless a human voice is magnified, altered or abused, it cannot harm me in any way whatsoever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate loud human voices with the aggressiveness of my father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate loud human voices with the uncontrollability and unpredictability which I related to my fathers aggressiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad/guilty for not being able to help my brother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up for my brother within and as the realization that even though he messed up he does not deserve to be abused and traumatized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not act upon the realization that the way my father behaved was not a constructive way for a parent to handle the situation, because I was too afraid of him (of getting hurt) to interfere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up for my brother and interfere because I was afraid my father's focus would move onto me and that he would unleash his anger onto me, because I would then take it personally and blame myself for his anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thus act upon self-interest as I did not want myself to be abused and instead allowed another to be abused.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and not move based on fear of self-blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear all men using their voice loudly, aggression or not, based on the fear of my father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear all men being aggressive based on the fear of my father and his unpredictability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I have developed a fear of men because I did not feel safe around my father because I could not trust him to not lash out on me unexpectedly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a fear of men because I did not understand why my father suddenly became angry and stopped being the gentle person he usually was.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then decide to be cautious around all men because there apparently was a risk any one of them could unexpectedly lash out on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret my fathers anger to be irrational and out of place simply because I did not understand the underlying reasons why his anger accumulated and exploded.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my stability as safety to be dependent on the people around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my father as my stability point and then react with fear when it was shown that he cannot be my stability point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thus search for this stability point in men in relationships as I haven't realized I will never find this stability point from outside of myself but from within myself.

I commit myself to stabilize myself here as breath with consistent and patient practicing of breathing.

I commit myself to further investigate my relationship to my father, as I see, realize and understand it has been an essential defining point in what I have accepted and allowed myself to become.

When and as I am in the presence of people/men that use their voice loudly and/or are aggressive, and where I see myself reacting with fear, I stop, breathe and realize the fear is a result of me associating certain kind of voice/tone to specific memories of my father, and I realize that none of the past as memories has any relevance in the present moment, as what is here now is completely unrelated to those situations that I have stored within my memories as every moment is new. I then see the reaction for what it is – energy and thus not the actual reality – and move my focus to what is actually around me as physical people and movement and move myself accordingly.

I commit myself to realize and show myself human voice cannot harm me unless amplified by exploring sound in the physical and investigating what happens as I interact with sound as my physical body.