Day 79: Itsy bitsy spiders crawling up my arms

09122012

Today I was again doing stuff at the theatre and I started to see through some veils. I have been aware of myself going into some persona as soon as I enter through those doors, but I have so far been unable to actually see what it is that goes on – what it is I do – where is it I stop breathing.

I had just listened to the interview Quantum mind self-awareness, step 3 in the morning and the explanations done with the image of the spider biting the hand were still fresh on the top of my head. I had gone through the concept of mind reacting with fear to a situation / circumstances where it perceives it doesn't have control, and a person then creating a personality based on that fear - “this is who I am in relation to the spider / all spiders”.

So today there were many instances where I started to see glimpses of this. Some of them are very specific concerning specific people, and some of them apply to generalizations. For example, as I was going through the music I had been making for a play and then played some of my own songs as I came across them, a girl from the actor group stopped to listen and asked me about the music. I noticed I was on my way to wear the “cool persona” - the personality through which I would not show I'm happy that she asked me and would pretend to be all “cool” about my songs playing, pretending I think they're “OK” when I actually think they're pretty good – but I realized that would be to suppress my actual experience and directed myself otherwise. This I see is a generalization: firstly, towards the kids and youngsters at the theatre because I see myself as a “senior” - an authority – secondly, towards all people who listen to my music. So “who I am” in relation to both these defined groups is the “cool persona”. The fear here obviously is that I am very insecure about my music and all output in general, not just creative and artistic work – I fear it will be rejected and that I will not receive approval.

Another one was where I had a young girl try on a costume I had been sewing, and because I have defined this girl to be a timid one that gets easily scared, I treat her extra gently and friendly – I become Miss Nice. Fear here being she would react negatively to something I do, because then I would be responsible for it and shunned upon by everyone else.

As these just kept on popping up I started to get more and more anxious throughout the hours I spent there, because I started to see myself as a big fat lie, not wanting to be the way I saw myself behaving. I started to get really exhausted and left a little bit early. As I was traveling home with three other girls in one car I noticed again the one persona I have noticed before and feel fucking awful about – The Clown. With a certain group of people within our theatre I have defined myself as “the entertainer” because everyone else used to be really introverted and I saw that someone was “needed” to pull people out of their shells. As this character was created years ago it's not all that necessary anymore as those withdrawn people have grown out of it. So I was hyper-reactive throughout the ride as I kept on picking up signals and shit and just judging the shit out of myself through my interpretations of the other's reactions, or the lack thereof. In the end I just shut up. Eventually when I was by myself the anxiety exploded with just a small trigger.

So I'm now going through this because I feel like my day has been a big messy pile of what-the-hell. Basically I've been building up anxiety ever since I woke up, and as new points started to open up in a chaotic environment where I did not stop I allowed the anxiety to build up more and more until it erupted. I'm not sure where to begin with the self-forgiveness; perhaps go through what I've been living as today and see if stuff regarding theatre starts to open up. I will have to face plenty more of those relationships in practice before I can actually write them out, so what's actually dominating right now is this energy build-up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be anxious about waking up in the morning. *

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that waking up is a burden.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about sleeping in the day before and try to make amends by waking up according to my rhythm the next morning, not realizing that I will not “make amends” from the starting point of fear.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will waste time if I sleep too much.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider how much sleep I would actually need.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make waking up more difficult by believing it is a “big challenge”, not realizing that as I defined waking up early a “success” concerning this “challenge”, I am bound to live its polarity, “unsuccess”, as well.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the definition I have assigned for waking up early, and then reacting when I do not live up to my definition.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the anxiety I felt about waking up and thus that I have accepted and allowed it to accumulate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel irritated because of my injured leg still being in pain and not being healed yet.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the physical pain in my leg with irritation – fear of being disabled * - “why aren't you healthy yet” - not realizing that the emotional reaction is completely irrelevant and that what is actually relevant is to consider whether or not the leg needs physical assistance.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel helpless because the pain in my leg is not going away.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel distressed about how I will be able to practice on stage with an injured leg, not realizing I can simply discuss the matter with the director and we can agree on the best measures to be taken – here wanting to always give my best on stage and please the director.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide within a “cool character” after I had had eye contact with an elderly woman in the bus, participating in backchat and internal conversations where I blamed myself for hiding and being scared and going into interpretation.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in guesswork where I wondered if the old woman was feeling awkward / uncomfortable and limit myself accordingly by not looking at her again and instead looking at other people on the bus.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed when I cleaned up the dressing room that was messy, blaming the other people that had been there the day before of not cleaning up their mess – then cleaning up through a slight irritation, “all right, I'll do it even though I had other plans”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to avoid eye contact with a person I have had difficulties communicating with about a certain project, because I have perceived his behavior to be irritating as I see all kinds of fears to be his motivator – not realizing I am stuck with the same fears myself.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this person will override the project, “steal it from me”, because I want to do it myself.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear discussing this issue with the person because I have been afraid he might find it insulting.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define this person as someone who gets insulted easily.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if my starting point for the communication is clear, his reactions are not my responsibility.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face this point and clarify my starting point as I have believed the other one is the only one to “blame”.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel threatened by him because he's more experienced concerning the theme of this project.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I do not know what is moving him, an that his motivation might be just to assist me and to make the result as good as possible – and that this needs to be clarified through non-aggressive communication.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I “own” this project because I have created it from scratch and to believe my “vision” of it is “holy”.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though “a vision” or a plan may be in place to some extent in order to keep the project moving forward, the material produced is in no way “mine” or in a position where it is not allowed to be touched.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my vision will be “ruined” by another and thus want to keep it all to myself to ensure it will be “perfect” (= the way I picture it in my mind). *

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a friend to be “in a bad mood” because of how I interpreted the tone of her voice, not realizing that my definition of “a bad mood” may be far away from what she's actually experiencing even though it appears the same on the outside.*

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this person as I perceived her to be “in a bad mood”, seeing her snap at other people and wanting to avoid being the target, and thus being watchful of her.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thus create a character that avoids those who are “in a bad mood” because I wish to avoid the negative reactions because I define myself according to the rejection of others. *

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as the “cool persona” when others listen to my music, suppressing the fact that I'm excited about my music, trying to elevate myself by defining what others appreciate as “not a big deal”, trying to be above that which others appreciate – making myself “more than” that which I perceive others to see as “more” in order to make myself even more.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thus belittle the music I have made.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not express the fact that I like my music. [Why I like it is another point in itself, will return to it.]*

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my actions according to how I have defined another person.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat another with extra carefulness because I have been afraid they might react to something I do.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my actions as they are are “too crude” and “inconsiderate” because I perceived this girl to react negatively to my actions/words in an earlier rehearsal. *

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat a person through the “daughter character”, where I define another to be “like my mother” or “the way mothers usually are” and act accordingly. *

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself according to how I perceive others to react to me, not realizing most of this is just guesswork and thus not valid.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the feedback of others.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and create myself a character through the feedback I received from this certain group of people at our theatre.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the character was never “useful” even though the actions I performed from within it may have been.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the “clown character” is not assisting me but suppressing me.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will be seen as “dull”, as I have believed that if others don't have a good time it's my fault, because I have defined myself as “the authority” or “the senior”, not realizing everyone has to carry responsibility of themselves and that if others choose to not have a good time, there's not much I can do about it without compromising myself.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself to be “a senior” to these certain people. *

* Stuff I need to return to with more specificity. A lot, yes. It seems today was one of “those days”, lol.

I commit myself, when and as I notice anxiety within me, to immediately stop my participation in the emotion and the energy by breathing, and be careful not to suppress the experience but to investigate it.

I commit myself to return myself to breath before I step through the doors of our theatre.

I commit myself to return myself to breath within our theatre whenever I notice myself not breathing.

I commit myself to investigate and write about the points I listed here.