Day 71: Movement improvisation

01122012

Today I joined a contact improvisation group. Contact impro is a form of physical improvisation where movement and touch are explored individually and with others. It deals a lot with giving and receiving impulses - basically pushing and pulling – studying how the human body works, how movement is born and how people contact with each other on a physical level. The work is mainly done in silence with little to no music; speech only when necessary, such as when facing one's physical limits.

I have twice before been in a contact impro workshop that lasted for one weekend and I've experienced this form of impro to be very interesting and rewarding. It's been some years since those workshops, and when I heard that there is a group in my town that is open for new people I thought that time is ripe for me to venture into it again.

Some interesting points opened up during this. First of all, I noticed that in my mind I was trying to create an expectation and a nervousness towards the meeting because I knew none of its members. Secondly, during the actual rehearsal I investigated myself in how I move concerning impulses and how I slipped into the mind during the practice and limited my movement.

I was first supposed to go to the meeting with a friend who has been there before, but I knew she was busy and might have to cancel, which she did an hour before. When she canceled I noticed myself trying to slip into the mind to tell myself “maybe I shouldn't go either”, but as I knew it would be stupid because it was my only activity for today and I really needed and wanted to get out of the house and do some exercise, I kept on moving myself and the thought vanished. When I was walking towards the bus stop I noticed that within a split second I projected myself into the future meeting and created a wave of nervousness, “I should be nervous now” - “OK”, which I stopped and saw to be unnecessary. When I was in the meeting and everyone was doing their warm-ups, I noticed myself thinking “how should I be here” - meaning “how much am I allowed to not suppress myself here”, trying to assess how to be within the situation to be accepted – how to move myself, how to express myself, how to present myself – which character should I wear. As the situation was very relaxed there weren't really any demands or at least any obvious ones, but I noticed the uncertainty within myself still when we began the first movement practices. It soon vanished as I allowed myself to breathe and locate the tensions in my body.

What the expectation of “how should people be here” might be, if there is such, is that people would not limit and suppress themselves, because only then will the practice be useful. Today there wasn't anyone really limited present, although there might be in the future, and if such a situation occurs where someone is really limited and tense (myself for example), I will investigate what happens within the group and how the person/situation is handled.

Then about the physical itself. The first movement practice was a couple practice where another one moved the other who received all impulses passively and completely relaxed. I paired up with a man approximately my age, and within my mind I instantly went into considering this guy as a mate – which I noticed and stopped. When it was my turn to move him I noticed a thought that said “I can't touch his thigh, what if he reacts in a sexual way”, which I noted and kept moving.

Then during a free jam session I noticed myself receiving more impulses than I was giving. Now, this relates to everything I am at the moment – the way one gives and receives impulses in the physical, how one pushes and pulls, goes forwards and backwards, sucks and blows, a motion back and forth – this reveals how I give and receive impulses in all my actions. Do I go with the movements of another, do I constantly give and not take, do I listen to the other, do I resist impulses, do conflicts occur, do I give up, do I break the contact etc. What was especially interesting was to realize that while I am in constant contact with another, in constant movement in relation to another – my focus should be in myself. The moment I start thinking about the movements of another I cripple myself. But when my focus is within myself and in the point of contact, the movement is about myself with another, and not about the other with myself.

This of course reflects on all physical touch with others, such as sex, and I am curious to keep exploring the physical with the support of this kind of an activity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into self-doubt when my friend canceled and use her absence as an excuse to give into my fear and not go to the rehearsal myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that my friend will cancel because she said she might and thus create the expectation that I will go alone and secretly fear the situation in advance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to handle a situation with unfamiliar people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as protection, create an image in my mind where I walk into a situation and stand stable within myself, thus convincing everyone that I'm a “good person” as I don't compromise myself in a strange situation – not realizing that I'm there creating an ideal I ought to live up to, and that living according to an ideal is to act out images and characters and has nothing to do with stability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself into the future and react to the future image in my mind with appropriate nervousness, not realizing that with the reaction I validate the projection and give my mind permission to direct me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider how I should be within a situation by looking at how others behave and determining my behaviour accordingly – just like a child does – not realizing that I can simply be within and as myself and act according to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to investigate the behavior of others to see how much I “ought to” suppress myself, not realizing that I shouldn't suppress myself at all, as all suppression is self-abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire the acceptance of others and thus try to behave according to what I perceive to be acceptable, as I fear I will not be accepted and will be refused if I do not act according to the norm others dictate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am dependent on the acceptance of others as I have defined myself according to the feedback of others and thus desired for positive feedback (acceptance) as I believed that only with the positive feedback I was able to define myself as “alright”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider whether I should speak quietly because I perceived others to be speaking quietly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider doing more warm-ups or doing more challenging warm-ups because I perceived others to be doing “more” than myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder if I am expected to speak about my sensations during rehearsal or not as I heard another participant speaking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I noticed a tension within a specific body part, telling myself “you should not do that, stop doing it, you're doing it wrong” - “now you fucked up” - “you failed” - not realizing I can simply breathe and let go of the tension, and that I do not need to judge myself for the mistakes I make because the judgement will not fix a thing – only movement will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the presence of a male by thinking he would be a potential mate simply because of his age and sex, not realizing there are many other factors to consider when choosing a mate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face another being as just a being as I have created expectations about the being and the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect an interaction to be awkward because it includes touching a person of the opposite sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a situation “special” because within it I touch another person in a way I don't usually get a chance to touch people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a person with whom touch is natural, relaxed and unlimited to be “special”, not realizing that I'm there creating a separation of “us” and “them”, and that it is up to me to create touch with everyone into natural, relaxed and unlimited as it is the way humans would naturally interact with each other were there no self-created limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear touching a male's thigh because I fear that will cause the other to react in a sexual way as I have experienced this to have happened with males before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if my starting point for a touch is clear – that I know I am touching another simply to touch and to move – the way another chooses to react is not my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a sexual reaction in another as I fear the other will then create expectations towards me which I would somehow have to respond to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to respond to sexual expectations because I have feared facing myself as a sexual being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing a person with sexual intentions because I fear I will have no control over the situation – that I will have no say in whether a sexual action will happen or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself while moving in contact with another to consider the movements of another instead of focusing on my movements and thus allow my focus to move from my physical into my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive the movements of another to be “more skillful” than mine and thus define myself as “less skillful” and limit myself accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself when moving with another to go into my mind as self-doubt and as a result limit or stop my movement, manifesting the consequences of living within and as the mind immediately.

I commit myself to stabilize myself within and as breath and clear my starting point before I go into a situation where I meet new people, as I now see, realize and understand that I have nothing to fear as I stand within and as myself.

I commit myself to stop looking for the feedback of others as a validator and definer of myself, as I now see, realize and understand how I have defined myself through the feedback of others instead of being my own creator and directive principle.

I commit myself to carry responsibility of myself as my directive principle as I now see, realize and understand how I have pushed it on others as a demand to give me feedback and define me for me.

I commit myself to further explore touch with the people I meet by inviting them to participate in touch and accepting invitations to touch.

I commit myself to support and assist myself by stabilizing myself as breath to face males from a neutral starting point within and as the realization that the thought that something sexual is and should always be involved between a male and a female is just a belief and is not real in any way whatsoever.

I commit myself to further investigate physical touch from within the realization that touch is naturally pleasant and enjoyable as it is and does not have to include any sort of energy or intention.

I commit myself to stop judging myself according to how I move my body in comparison to others, as I now see, realize and understand that my body moves according to what I am at the moment, and that the only assessment to make while moving that is valid is to locate the blocks where I face the limits of my comfort zone and cannot/will not move a certain way.