20-21122012
This post is a continuation to:
To go through the situation of the
impro practice yesterday. We have had one person dropping out of the
group and some that haven't been able to come to practice for a
while, and I have noticed this has triggered an insecurity in me. I
ask myself: Are we doing a poor job with the group? Am I making
improvisation theatre seem uninteresting / frightening? Am I
demanding too much of the participants? Are we explaining the methods
clearly enough? So what happens is that my starting point for
directing the group changes from simply doing what we have set out to
do and guiding people to the best of my abilities, into a desire to
succeed / a fear of failure, success and failure here measured by the
participants' will to participate in the activity. Instead of
embracing the people that do come to rehearsal I worry over those who
don't show up, because I interpret that to be a sign that I have
failed.
So then as I try to direct the group my
goal is to make others pleased, or seemingly pleased, or apparently
having a good time, not realizing that this is not my purpose of
being here – my goal is to teach and learn improv theatre and
assemble a group that is committed to training themselves in it. Even
though it is an essential part of this goal that people enjoy
themselves, that is not the goal itself – and thus if my goal is to
make others happy I am acting out of fear.
Another thing I noticed at the
rehearsal was that I was unwilling to carry out any role or character
properly within the exercises. As I was already insecure and thinking
“I wonder what these people think of me”, “I wonder if they
think I'm uninteresting”, “I wonder if they think less of me”,
it felt very wobbly to even attempt to stand within a theatre role as
I wasn't stable within myself to begin with. It was like I was
constantly looking for signs of feedback from others so I could
define myself within their presence, and then looking for the
feedback also as I was within a role – and thus allowing all signs
of feedback to affect how I acted and thus acting very poorly,
restlessly and aimlessly. My focus was not on the acting work but in
defining my self-image within the situation.
So everything that I did, I did for
others – and that's where I live as less than what I could be or
less than who I actually am. I deliberately make myself less than
myself as I place the authority over me outside of me into other
people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to look for others to define me and tell me “who
I am” in their presence as I have been unwilling to face myself and
thus carry my responsibility to know myself, not realizing that as I
get to know who I actually am by facing myself it is possible to
re-create myself and thus re-define myself by myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to look for “clues” and “signs” in the
behavioral feedback of others so that I could define myself according
to them, “find my place” in the situation by defining “who I
am” as seen by “the others”, not realizing that the
“clues/signs” I “pick up” are bits and pieces of movement I
decide to separate from the flow of another's living expression and
which I then magnify and interpret through mind-filters that serve my
predetermined self-image – and that these “clues/signs” are
thus a distortion of the mind and have nothing to do with reality,
such as a photograph taken of a tree and then heavily photoshopped
has nothing to do with the actual tree anymore, but becomes a new
“piece of art” by the creator – and that these
mind-interpretations are thus nothing but completely separate “pieces
of art” “inspired” by the reality painted by the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that all the “signs/clues” I
pick up from the behavior of others are chosen by the mind according
to the patterns I have learned in my life so far, and that as my
focus is directed by the mind instead of being directed by myself the
focus cannot be trusted to be in accordance with the reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to allow my focus to be directed by the mind
instead of standing within and as breath within and as myself and
being my directive principle myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to try to “find my place” in situations
because I have felt insecure in them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe I need to “find my place” in a
situation in order to be able to function and be comfortable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that there is no “place” for me
in social situations as the only “place” where I can be is within
myself - a constant location that will never change during this
physical life - and that because of it's consistent and intimate
nature it is the most comfortable place to be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that as I stand within and as
myself within and as breath there is no situation that can “make
me” uncomfortable unless I accept and allow it – my outlines as
this physical body as the residing place for myself will stay the
same no matter the surroundings.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe I need to know “who I am” as
defined by self-interpreted feedback of others in order to be able to
function in a situation, not realizing that what I perceive to be
“functioning” is in fact living according to the social
behavioral patterns that I have learned while growing up and agreed
to and acted upon for all my life thus far.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to search for clues in the behavior of others to
see if I am funny.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to search for clues in the behavior of others to
see if I am skilled.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to search for clues in the behavior of others to
see if I am appreciated.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to search for clues in the behavior of others to
see if I am accepted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not focus on my acting process as my focus is
in searching for clues of validation in the behavior of others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to look for others to validate that my behavior is
what I perceive they want it to be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to want/need/desire to behave in such a way that
gains acceptance/appreciation/admiration as I have feared
rejection/abandonment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to look for others to tell me I'm accepted, not
realizing I there manifest self-separation as I do not see the only
thing that actually exists is self-acceptance.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that I have been living as
self-separation as I have refused to accept myself, then living as
abuse as I have tried to “fix” this separation by asking for
others to accept me for me, abdicating my responsibility to carry
myself as self-acceptance.
--
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to become insecure as the feedback of others isn't
what I expect it to be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to become confused as I am not sure what kind of
feedback I'm even looking for and then not knowing how to interpret
the behavioral “clues” of others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to force myself to wear a personality even though
I have known I do not want to, then collapsing within the personality
as I have given up on carrying it – an odd struggle between the old
and the new. [I find this really fascinating.]
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize this confusion of mind is
dissolvable if I return myself to breath where I could see and
realize that I'm attempting to act through a persona and that as I
see it's not valid I can simply let it go.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to hold on to the confusion and stay stuck within
the mind instead of returning to breath and letting it go.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to lock myself into the mind-state of confusion
with fear as I was still unsure whether people were enjoying
themselves or not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that if I want to know how people
have experienced these meetings I can simply ask (duh).
[Here I removed some SF concerning specific people.]
--
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to live as less than who I actually am by not
standing within myself as my directive principle as I have looked for
others to define me for me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that as I make myself less than who
I am, others are bound to see just that much of me as that is what I
show of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear that others will think less of me as I
have believed their thoughts would somehow directly influence me
without my acceptance.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe that if others think less of me, it is
proof that I am indeed less – not realizing that the thoughts of
others are not me and that thoughts can in fact be false – and
mostly are.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe the thoughts of others (which I have no
way of directly accessing, viewing and assessing) to create the
reality myself included, the opinions and likes and dislikes of
others making up the reality I inhabit, not realizing that instead of
being in the eyes of others, the reality is right HERE completely
unreliant on the mind as thoughts as I breathe and sense the world
around me and move as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize the absurdity of believing that
others define the reality and myself as I have been completely
dependent on and addicted to the feedback of others to shape my
reality for me.
I commit myself to practice my
breathing when in the presence of people as I see that is where I
most commonly fall out of breath.
I commit myself to stop believing the
“clues” and “signs” my mind picks up from the behavior of
others from within the realization that they are only pieces of what
I choose to see of another and not the entire reality, and that any
claims of the validity of these “clues” and “signs” are of
the mind and not actual information gained through communication.
I commit myself to keep my focus on
people as a whole instead of holding on to details I pick up from
them as we interact.
I commit myself to bring myself to
breath whenever I remember and engage in some kind of contact with my
sensual reality in order to “ground” myself and bring myself back
to reality as I now see and realize that HERE is where the real
“comfort zone” exists.
I commit myself when acting to focus on
myself instead of focusing on others present. [This I will open up shortly.]
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