Day 78: Sex is serious business, part 2

08122012

A quote from yesterday:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because sex is a “mystery” due to not being discussed it must then be of “more” importance than things that aren't “mysteries”, there placing a value on mysticism and secrets – misinterpreting a taboo to mean “great value” - believing there is value in “figuring out secrets” on your own – not realizing that hiding information that has already been figured out is nothing but fear of losing your position as “the one who figured out secrets” - making all future generations invent the wheel over and over again because of one's own ego – and that none of this thus makes any sense as the humanity is there shooting itself in the leg.

I continued:

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value on “figuring out secrets” and create a whole life of “seeking” around this concept.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that those who “seek the answers” in order to “figure out secrets” are of higher value than those who do not seek.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself a “seeker” character in order to feel I am “more than” those who I have defined to not seek, which is a majority of the people I have met.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself to be “more than” those who I perceive to be content with life as it is, not having a need to understand it.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to glorify the investigation of life by defining that which we do not know as “secrets” (high value) and seeing us who do not know as inferior to the “secrets”, and by defining those who investigate that which we do not know as “seekers” (high value) who are able to “win” at “figuring out secrets” and thus be “the masters of life” - not realizing all of this is power play where I make myself less than what I am as I believe there is something “greater” than me, not realizing I am one and equal to everything that there is, including the things we do not yet know of – and creating a desire to be “more than” that which I have defined to be “superior” to me, and a fear of being “less than” that which I have defined “superior”.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself less than life by thinking “I cannot know what life is”, “we will never figure out life”, “life is too great for words to express”, “we will never be able to comprehend what life really is”, “our capacity is not enough to understand life” - not realizing that even though I may have been unable to comprehend life at the time, it might not be impossible – and that by seeing myself as “less than” life I made myself unable to understand it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive sex as “more than” me because it was something I did not know of and thus I had defined it as a “secret”.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spiritualize sex by believing there is something in it only “seekers” are able to “figure out”.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there is some kind of an “ultimate secret” concerning sex, and thus create a desire to “figure out” this “ultimate secret” in order to “master” sex – not realizing such a secret was but my own creation as I spiritualized that which was unknown, and that what there is to be found in sex is not “more”, as in glorious secrets, but actually less, as in stripping down all the extra we have painted upon our reality to actually return HERE and be here as we really are.

Another quote:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive sex as something that might destroy me if I “failed” in it and thus fear and reject sex, and simultaneously force myself towards sex because it was something that one was “supposed to” participate in, not realizing that by suppressing and not dealing with the fear I allowed it to accumulate and manifest consequences in the physical.

“because it was something that one was “supposed to” participate in”

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am supposed to participate in sex because of the image of sex I had internalized through media and the social structures surrounding me.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe sex is not a choice but a must.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pressure myself to have sex even though I didn't feel comfortable about it because I believed that if I didn't my partner would be dissatisfied and leave me.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thus always be prepared to have sex because if I didn't my partner would be dissatisfied and leave me.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, even after I had learned that I had a choice concerning sex, to remain within the preparedness for sex because I believed that saying no to sex would lead to conflict which I wanted to avoid.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear conflict concerning sex because that would make me talk about sex, which I wanted to avoid because I was unwilling to face/expose myself as a sexual being and voice the things I experienced.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a relationship according to whether it contains sex or not.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define relationships that contain sex as “more important” than those which do not contain sex, because I had defined physical intimacy as something “big” which could only be accessed with someone “special enough”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my curiosity about sex underneath the fear of sex, meaning all the misunderstandings, misinterpretations and misinformation I have accepted as facts and shaped myself according to.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my curiosity about sex by not asking questions and not talking about it – not communicating about it to anyone because of the fear of being ridiculed – and instead fulfill my curiosity with things that didn't require me to interact with other people, such as books, movies, television, magazines and internet.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a fear of communicating about sex because of that one memory where other kids made fun of me for asking questions about sex.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize this fear is irrational as there is nothing at all that we as living, communicating beings couldn't share in our interaction as communication.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that communicating about sex is just the same as communicating about any other experience.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself as a being that is able to experience sexuality by suppressing my curiosity to explore it, and thus separate myself from myself.