keskiviikko 30. lokakuuta 2013

Day 344: Self-judgement curling me up


These days I often get this feeling that I don't want to do anything at all but to sit down and entertain myself. I started to wonder how exactly I accumulate this experience, and I realized that HEY, this state of being is a symptom of something I accept and allow in myself. People don't “just become” unable to function out of physical tiredness: when one is physically tired after a long day, it can be slept off, but this “I don't want to do shit” -experience appears even when I am NOT physically tired and would have plenty of energy to do other stuff.

I noticed this just now when I had gotten myself onto my couch to scribble some nonograms and I realized that I had physically drawn myself into a very withdrawn position with my knees against my chest, head down, toes curled and breathing shallow. I looked at myself and thought: “what am I hiding from?”, and I remembered a moment of self-judgement just half an hour before and realized it had added on top of my weariness and become the catalyst for me withdrawing.

What else has happened during my day to make me want to hide and withdraw?

For the entire day I have been bothered by a discussion I had yesterday which I think did not go as well as it should have. I went through the topic of the discussion in writing, found certainty in my point of view and made a decision to return to the topic with the person involved, but I didn't realize that the reason I was bothered by this discussion was because I judged myself to have “failed” in the discussion because we did not end up in a clear solution / consensus. So this point of self-judgement has followed me and weighed me down all day.

I went to work in the morning and throughout my shift I noticed these small moments of self-judgement coming up. My morning shift includes cleaning up the bar, and unless I start early enough and work overtime, I might not finish the task before it's time to open up the bar – and when I “fail” this task, I judge myself, and it shows in how I treat the customers, because on some passive-aggressive level I take it out on them. Today that moment of self-evaluation was there, but because I had started work half an hour early and finished cleaning on time, my self-evaluation was positive and I tipped over to the other polarity where I was overly cheerful with all the customers.

However, there were other moments where I noticed stress coming up (I feel it instantly as tension in my shoulders) when I feared that I might “fail” a task. During morning shifts these moments usually come up when I have to leave the cash register unguarded to pick up some stuff from the storage, because I fear someone will come and rob the bar the very minute I turn my back, which would make my employers disappointed and angry with me and perhaps result in some legal consequences. So because there was a lot of stuff I had to pick up from the storage, these moments kept adding up to the feeling of “failure” that had already been gnawing me since last night. On top of that, right after I left work my employer gave me feedback about a mistake I had made with the register last week, and I thought of myself as “stupid” for being so careless.

It appears I really fear disappointing my employers (authorities). This links directly to my experiences with school: trying to do well to please the teachers and my parents.

In the evening I read a comment in the internet with which I judged myself as “stupid”. With this moment of self-judgement I instantly withdrew from the internet, curled up on the couch, watched a little TV and curled up even more to scribble because just sitting up straight felt too heavy. Interesting in retrospect to look at what I did, because it all happened without me having direct control over my doings – I was not directing myself at all, but moving as if on autopilot. It's as if the negative feeling within me (self-judgement, heaviness, smallness) was pulling me into this tense little ball, like a hedgehog defending itself from the world.

Fascinating. Tomorrow, self-forgiveness.

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