Day 351: What is friendship?

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I had a discussion with a friend and I was left restless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing a friend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself dependent of another being and thus fear losing her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what I fear losing is not the person itself but what she represents to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that only one person can ever be whatever it is she represents to me and that if I lose her I lose what she represents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, through our shared history and my experiences with and of this person, to paint an icon within my mind with her shape, representing integrity, intelligence, good will, purity and commitment – the “back bone” I've never perceived myself to have – and to create a relationship to that icon where I “lack” what the icon represents and where I “need” the icon to have a “back bone” in my life – and as this icon is based on my interpretation of a real, living person, to want this person to be in my life / fear not having this person in my life because I believe and perceive that without her I am unable to have those good qualities she represents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I am “unable” to have integrity, intelligence, good will, purity and commitment in myself because building and growing these qualities is hard work, thus giving up and making myself helpless because I have relied on others to “fill in the gaps” where I choose to believe I am “not good enough”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to gather the kind of people around me who have what I lack, not utilizing that chance to learn from them and develop new traits, but instead abusing their company by expecting them to “cover for me” where I am unwilling to develop myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing a long-time friend because to me my relationship with her represents commitment, communication, support, unity, respect and teamwork – the kind of a relationship I would prefer to have with others as well, but haven't yet had that many chances to practice in long-term.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing this friendship because losing it would tell me that nothing lasts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that this friendship would last so that the illusion of permanence would remain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the fact that everything is temporary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within this physical life I am the only permanent factor – the “eye” of the storm – and that everything around me (and within me!) is in constant flux, as if spinning in a tornado.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for stability from outside of myself, not realizing that if I hold onto something spinning within that tornado (all the components of life) I will fall from balance – the eye of the storm – and that the only sustainable way to balance myself is to find balance within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that commitment, communication, support, unity, respect and teamwork are NOT dependent on the individuals I interact with but on WHO I AM within interaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust that when and as WHO I AM is in accordance with commitment, communication, support, unity, respect and teamwork, I will create these qualities no matter who I interact with, and that I will thus never lack these qualities in my living as long as I incorporate them into my structure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on a few relationships to sustain commitment, communication, support, unity, respect and teamwork in my life, not looking for ways to learn how to sustain them by myself within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my words will insult another, which would result in me “losing” her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might “lose” my friend by saying something she will react to in such a way where she will decide to keep a “safe” distance to me to avoid further unpleasant reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my friend will use her reactions to my words to paint an image of me in her mind (a classification, stereotype, “this is who she is”) which would limit her in my presence and/or create a resentment towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed by the possibility that my friend will become alienated because it would be based on an unfair judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being misinterpreted by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being denied access to life's resources (here: friendship) because of who others perceive and believe me to be, as this is how the world of relationships mainly functions at the moment: access granted or denied based on who one is believed to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust the fact that the (only?) way to correct those who have decided to see me through a certain filter is to live as who I am and show who I am through my living, my words, movements and actions – and that even then others might choose to not see, which I cannot affect as I cannot enter and move another being, but only myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my words might have been chosen poorly, not realizing that if I would have stopped to re-write my experience from the starting point of not wanting to aggravate the other, my actions would have been manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider limiting my self-expression because I fear that the other would blame her reactions to “my” words onto me. (The words aren't really mine, even though the intent I use them with is; a symbol is just a symbol and can be interpreted in many ways.)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though the careful placement of words (directing and manipulating the other's assumed reactions) might be necessary in some situations – such as when playing the political game this world is immersed in - I do not want to build my friendships (or any relationships!) into such places where I'd need to be constantly walking through a mine field.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear building my friendships into places of unsuppressed self-expression by expressing myself unsuppressed within them, because I have feared that others will react negatively to this unconventionality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I act out of fear (choose my words so that the other will not react negatively) I will create fear (by upholding a relationship that is based on comfort instead of actual support).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that telling the other what they want to hear is NOT support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that downplaying another's flaws is NOT support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that giving praise on another's strengths is NOT support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that agreeing with another because I fear disagreement (conflict / possibility of loss) is NOT supportive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that avoiding conflict is NOT support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that actual support is based on helping each other to grow towards our full potential, and that actual support is NOT pleasant and comfortable but is in fact difficult, challenging and, mostly, full of conflict and disagreement which needs to be constantly processed and sorted out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear when a friendship gets to the point where supporting each other gets very challenging, not realizing that I (as we both) have all the tools, capacity and the will to agree on how and why we support each other, and that my fear of loss is just me lifting my hands in the air and saying “I can't do it! Too much! It's gonna crash!” and succumbing to helplessness when in fact I am not helpless to direct the situation – as if I was driving a car, seeing a tree some miles up the road, lifting my hands from the wheel and saying “No use, it's gonna hit anyway!”, when I could in fact just place my hands on the wheel and direct the car to not hit the tree. lol

I commit myself to explore what I find respectable, admirable and praiseworthy in my friend to see what I could develop in myself.

I commit myself to note and write down the qualities that I find respectable, admirable and praiseworthy in others and to reflect them upon myself to see how I could develop in these qualities.

I commit myself to explore how to build relationships from the very first moment and every moment from then onwards based on self-expression, commitment, communication, support, unity, respect and teamwork.

I commit myself to re-assess my current relationships to see if they are in fact based on self-expression, commitment, communication, support, unity, respect and teamwork, and I commit myself to find ways to introduce the qualities that are missing into each relationship through my own application, not by demanding others to do shit.

I commit myself to support and assist myself with the commitment above with writing.

I commit myself to work on releasing my fears, so that when I give support to others it would not be an act of fear but an act of simply being.