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I've noticed that a person I've been
getting to know lately has a tendency of turning serious when
something controversial is being discussed, this possibly being a
defense mechanism of sorts. Knowing a bit about this person's past I
can make approximate guesses of why this is (possibly a fear of
conflict / a tension in social situations when there's a risk of
disagreement), but I realize that instead of guessing around and
mulling it over in my mind it's more relevant for me to practically
support this person to see and possibly outgrow this tendency – a
process through which I might also learn to better understand this
person and the human mind in general.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to react with fear to X turning serious in
conversation, as I have misinterpreted his seriousness to mean that
he disapproves of me when in fact I have nothing to do with him
reacting to his own mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to interpret X's reactions to be “my fault” -
that I am the cause of another's reactions – thus following the
mind pattern of self-blame and self-belittlement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that even though I can reflect
myself from how others react in my presence or under my influence,
their reactions are still accepted and allowed by themselves and not
by me under any circumstances.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that people themselves are
“gatekeepers” of sorts to their own behavior.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that carrying self-responsibility
also means to not carry responsibility that is not mine, as I would
be denying another a chance to learn and grow.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that what would best support the
other person is not me reacting with possibly the exact same emotions
he is experiencing (insecurity, fear of rejection, uncertainty,
tension), but me creating a safe environment for discussing anything
at all by remaining stable regardless of the topic.
- I commit myself to build myself into a stable support for others by walking through any reactions that occur in me within interaction and transcending them through self-forgiveness and self-correction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to react to X becoming serious within discussion
because I have been afraid that he will choose to not like me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to want to be liked by X.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear not being liked by X.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that human relations do not have to
be based on likes and dislikes – whims and moods – but on an
agreement of mutual support, which creates a foundation for building
solid trust.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that my fear of not being liked /
desire to be liked comes from the fact that I base my relationships
on moods and momentary preferences instead of building them on a
common goal to support each other however we best can.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that my distrust towards people
(fear of being abandoned/rejected) comes from the fact that I have
become used to relationships being based on moods, whims and
preferences and thus anticipate the moment when I assumedly will be
ditched again as I fall out of another's favour.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that I am in fact living within a
thought and behavioral pattern where, once a core relationship (one
that fulfills some primary need) fails its purpose in some way, I
immediately start looking for a replacement relationship (to fulfill
the need) – thus always looking for salvation from outside of me
without ever addressing the need itself.
- While observing myself for a few days I have noticed thoughts where I justify replacing one person with another with a selection of excuses (some valid, some not) – and then reversing it again when the second person has not fulfilled my desires. While thinking these thoughts I seem to justify having exclusive relationships, and I do it through some form of spite, as if I was blaming another for my discomfort/lack/need. Here, again, I ignore the source of the problem itself: the need that makes me restless.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that in order to build my
relationships into safe and stable places for people (myself
included) to face and direct themselves in, I need to focus on
(self-)forgiveness and mercy - living out an example of letting go of
self-diminishment, self-rejection and self-hate.
I commit myself to investigate if and
how I manifest self-hate, self-rejection and self-diminishment when I
interact with other people, and I commit myself to write about these
points in order to better support others as well.
I commit myself to investigate and
write about the pattern to replace core relationships with others as
soon as they appear to “fail” or “malfunction”.
I commit myself to investigate my
primary reason for desiring close relationships by returning to the
EQAFE interviews on relationships and sex.
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