Day 372: Taking angry reactions personally

27122013

During the christmas holidays I was spending time with my family, and while we were busy cooking I noticed something interesting about my relationship towards my sister. There was a pan that I would have needed for cooking something and she had already used it for something else, to which I reacted by indirectly and jokingly blaming her for it. She reacted to my words with an angry and defensive manner, which is how she usually reacts to (unexpected / unprepared for) criticism, blame and accusations. I have usually taken her defensive reactions personally and questioned her tendency for being so aggressive, mainly because her reaction has felt threatening to me. But now as I was looking back on the situation I realized how and why she has developed the habit of violently defending herself (a history of bullying and low self-esteem). I realized that me taking her reaction personally is not really helping her at all and is just adding fuel to the fire. I see that in order for me to be of support to her and assist her in stabilizing and seeing her own tendencies I need to stop counter-reacting to her reactions and see them for what they are: remnants of a fearful past that need not be any longer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my sister's aggression personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear to my sister's aggression because I have perceived and believed aggressive people to be dangerous.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my sister's aggression means that she thinks less of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my sister's aggression has nothing to do with me and that her aggression is in fact her expression of who she is at the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for my sister's approval / acceptance, thus reacting with fear when it appears as if she does not approve / accept me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my interpretation of my sister's aggression is not in fact true.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my sister's aggression with irritation (“she's doing it again”) and to blame her for my irritation (“she shouldn't do that”), not realizing that I create my irritation by thinking that her reaction is “wrong”, as I have not seen, realized and understood that her reaction is an outflow of who she has become, and that it is not “wrong” or “right” but simply an indicator of who she is at the moment, an outburst of the reality we live in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label “wrong” all the things in my reality that “ruin the world” for me – that do not fit the ideal image of the world that I have built in my mind – as by labeling them “wrong” I create an excuse to remove these things from the reality.

When and as my sister (or anyone) expresses aggression, I stop, I breathe and I remind myself that her reaction is an outflow of who she has become through everything that she has went through in her life. I remind myself that to be of assistance and support to her I cannot exert my own reaction onto her, but that I need to instead let go of all my reactions through self-forgiveness and breathing and become a stable point in her field of experience.

When and as I react to my sister's (or anyone's) aggression, I stop, I breathe and I immediately focus on my breathing to ground and stabilize myself in the physical reality. I remind myself that in order to support the other I need to let go of my own reactions. I remind myself that my sister's reaction is not caused by me and that it is an outflow of everything she has accumulated during her lifetime. I breathe and release my reaction in self-forgiveness. I take another look at the situation from her perspective and I direct myself in the situation according to what would possibly be supportive to her.

I commit myself to practice becoming a stable point for others.