10-11062013
A friend told me she is returning to
Finland to continue studying the same subject I have applied to study
myself. I reacted to this information with relief and joy, which is
because recently as I have been traveling I have become more and more
uncertain about what to do with my life and have created a reluctance
to return to Finland at all. I found comfort in the fact that she
would be there with me because then I would feel less lonely, less
alone, less of a “lonely warrior” when my life takes on a new
direction – or when I am supposed to take a new direction – when
I am to change my life into something it has not been before.
See, I have created a reluctance to
return to my home town and region not because of the place itself –
the town is nice to live, work and study in – but because of the
life I have lived within it. I fear that as soon as I return my “old
life” will suck me back in because of all the habits and tendencies
that I associate with the physical location and everything that I
have lived through within it in the past. I fear that I will regress.
I fear that my environment will not support me in my process of
change. I fear that my environment will make change more difficult
than it already is. But here I make changing like a big demon that I
have to battle, I make it more than it is. There is bound to be
friction because when there is a harmonious flow of particles and one
particle suddenly decides to change its course it will conflict with
the other particles – but that is just what it is, movement and
inevitabilities, and it should not be interpreted to be anything
else. If I change, I change, and it will require being certain of who
I am as I change, what I am changing and who I become as I change.
Not by enforcing a mantra of ideals but by knowing myself and living
according to who I choose to be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear change because I fear standing utterly
alone with my decisions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to resist returning to an environment which I
believe, perceive and assume to not support me in any way in my
process of change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that my environment will
resist and suffocate my attempt to change the direction of my life
and that I will be helpless in front of this resistance.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive myself to be unable to
stand within and as my decisions in the face of external pressure or
resistance.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that when/as/if I get into
conflict with my environment – when there is friction in between
how I have decided to direct my life and how my environment responds
to it – I will be left without support and will thus crumble like a
cookie.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if my environment does not support me I cannot stand, not realizing that with this belief I demand that my environment gives me support and make my own standing dependent on how my environment sees me.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand within and as my decisions only when certain conditions are met (when my environment shows me enough support), not realizing that by doing so I live as less than I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my
fundamental support – myself – is not going anywhere and will
always “be there for me” even if I received no external support
i.e. from other people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself, within my fear of failure, to create a worst-case
scenario where I give into peer pressure and screw up my life
completely, making all of my process so far meaningless as I regress
through my self-limitation to who I was in the past – not realizing
that by creating and upholding such a scenario in the first place I
believe myself to be just as “weak” as the scenario implies and
will support myself to live out this exact “weak personality”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive myself to be “weak”
(unable to direct myself / easily directed by others) because I have
lived like this in the past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to justify living as this “weak personality”
by blaming my inability to change the direction of my life on my
environment, accusing my environment of suppressing me and not giving
me permission to live my life how I choose to - not realizing that no
matter the amount of external pressure I am always the one to accept
and allow my inner experience to be influenced and my movement to be
directed by external factors, and that the responsibility for my
self-compromise thus cannot be pushed on anyone else but is in fact
mine to carry.
--
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear going back home because I fear it will be
difficult and that I will fail to change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that hardship is an inevitable part
of the process of change and that it is not required to be feared –
it will be there whether I fear it or not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to resent, avoid and fear hardship as I have not
wanted to recognize it to be a part of life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear hardship because it contains the
possibility of failure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that just as every breath I take
requires my muscles to move and go through effort, so does living
one's life require consistent effort, pushing and active movement –
otherwise one will end up standing still.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear adversity because I fear that I will fail
to overcome it, not realizing that there is no way to perfectly “win”
the battle with the challenges I face but simply different ways to
deal with them, each with their own results.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not trust myself to find a way to deal with the
challenges I face – one that would not compromise me or anyone and
which would take into consideration the consequences of my actions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not trust my ability to figure out what choice
of action would consider the best of all (myself included).
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that when I do not trust myself to
make good decisions I require others to validate my decisions for me
to make up for my lack of self-trust and thus make it easier for
myself to crumble and not live according to my decisions when others
do not give me the validation I believe myself to need.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to sabotage my life by not trusting myself to be
able to make well-informed, considerate and responsible decisions.
--
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to create a mind-scenario where change is a big,
dramatic battle with opposing forces that try to destroy me with all
their might, believing and perceiving myself to be doing the “right
thing” and the opposers to be promoting the “wrong thing” - not
realizing that change is only dramatic if I compare it to the
passiveness that precedes and surrounds it, and that without the act
of comparison change is just movement among movement, life among
life, breath among breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that change is
not about big, movie-like storylines but about individual moments of
breath where change is created through stopping, re-assessing,
re-directing and setting off to motion again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to ignore the change that happens HERE in the
moment of breath by only focusing on the dramatic scenario of “big
changes”, not realizing that the drama exists only in my mind and
not in the actual reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that change is “big”
when in fact it is actually “small” - not a series of movie-like
events but single moments of breath in self-awareness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear change as I have believed and perceived it
to be something “big” where one can also fail in a grand scale –
not realizing that change is not something bigger than me or beyond
me but that change IS me as in every moment I inhale and exhale I
have a new chance, a new beginning, a new option, a chance to clear
the table and choose again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that change is nothing to be afraid
of because even if I'd fail I can always try again or choose another
direction.
--
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear severing ties to people, groups and
activities which I no longer wish to keep a part of my life because I
fear that if my choice to do so proves to have been a bad choice I
would not have the chance to go back – not realizing that my wish
to keep that back gate open, that path to what used to be familiar
and comfortable, is born out of the fear of failing and ending up
alone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to assume that when I choose to leave these
people, groups and activities behind me, it will be seen as a hostile
act which would then awake negative reactions in others which would
then be exerted onto me – not realizing that this is NOT an
accurate forecast of what the future will be but is actually the
worst-case scenario I have created in my mind based on my fears
through guesswork – and that this worst-case scenario can be
avoided through how I apply myself within the process of severing
these ties.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear re-arranging my priorities and the
practical changes they would introduce to my life because I fear the
society I live in will not support me in this choice of lifestyle.
[These are mainly practical issues that for now I have to wait to
solve – I'll get back to this when the issue is here.]
I commit myself to face the response of
the environment I change myself in, be it familiar or not, within and
as the realization that I do not know in advance what the response of
my environment will be and that this is in no way relevant to my
decision and standing.
I commit myself to remind myself in the
case of conflict that the reactions of my environment are not caused
by me and not my responsibility; In situations of conflict I commit
myself to take care of and carry responsibility for my own reactions,
the experience that I create, uphold and believe in.
I commit myself to focus on the change
that happens HERE in the moment of breath within and as the
realization that these moments are the ones that accumulate to the
“big” changes that I aim for in my life – and I commit myself
to support and assist myself with this by practicing self-aware
breathing whenever I remember to.
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