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| Magical love rainbow beams oh god I just want to VOMIT |
While reading through my last post
about falling in love I realized how I was trying to distance myself
from the concept of love in my writing, trying to make it appear as
if “love” was something of lesser value and separate from me. I
realized that this is a pattern I have had ever since childhood: I
fear admitting to loving or liking someone. I have created a
separation between myself and love, alienating myself from love,
resenting it – thinking of it as a weakness. This is basically how
I have felt myself when exposed in loving someone – weak and
vulnerable – and so I have taken on that judgement towards all
love, seeing all caring as “infatuation”. To protect myself I
have taken an aggressively defensive approach towards the concept of
love.
I've been examining this mindset in my
habits for some time now. For example, I've had the habit of avoiding
the people I like and waiting for them to come to me. I've realized
that this is really backwards behavior: how would anyone know I want
to approach them if I avoid them?! I have now been practicing for
example allowing myself to show and express the fact that I enjoy the
presence of someone or that I am happy about seeing someone.
But only now I am starting to see how
this refusal of love extends a lot further than just some habits. It
is fear of exposement, trying to appear strong and stoic, not
realizing that exposement IS the only way of being unwaveringly
stable, as then there are no weak spots left to be jabbed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to separate myself from my feelings of care,
attraction, enjoyment, joy and enthusiasm (love) by thinking of them
as “foolish” and “stupid”, not realizing that I have been
distancing myself from these feelings because I have felt weak and
vulnerable when experiencing them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear that if my feelings of care, attraction,
enjoyment, joy and enthusiasm are seen I will be ridiculed and thus
hurt.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that all this is actually circular
reasoning:
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I only get hurt by the remarks of others if I accept and allow myself to take these remarks personally.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I had nothing to hide, I would not be afraid of others seeing who I am.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I showed myself to others, I would not have to fear getting hurt.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by hiding my feelings I sabotage myself by causing myself to be in a position where I will eventually get hurt as something of me gets exposed.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I didn't hide myself, I would in fact be safe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that exposement is strength.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself as a child to learn to fear and hide my feelings
by observing my parents.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself as a child to reinforce this pattern by succumbing
to group dynamics in school where I took the role of the “quiet
kid”, thus not expressing myself unabashed but rather letting
others take the stage.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself as a child to lock myself into this position of
not speaking / not expressing, not taking the chance to learn to
express myself even when our family dynamics changed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself as a child to learn to hide my feelings because I
experienced my family environment as “chaotic”, thus attempting
to bring balance into my environment by denying my own experiences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to continue to hide my feelings in an attempt to
avoid chaos/conflict as I haven't had a ready model on how to deal
with it – not realizing that I am no longer a child and no longer
have to fear chaos as I am not “at the mercy” of my environment
but can in fact shape it through my own actions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that if there's chaos/conflict in
my environment, I know how to deal with it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not trust myself to know how to deal with
chaos/conflict as I have forgotten to breathe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to forget to breathe and thus lose my stability in
challenging situations.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to forget to breathe when I fear getting exposed,
thus forgetting that getting exposed is not dangerous as I will
remain here nevertheless.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to forget to breathe when I get exposed (by my own
will or another's), thus getting stuck in the situation as the
reaction of fear paralyzes me, not realizing that through breathing I
could accept my exposement and stand within and as who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that by remembering to breathe and
remaining HERE I also support others to remain stable when and as
they expose themselves.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to deny myself the experience of love.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear losing my status and image if I allowed
myself the experience of love, not realizing that I am not actually
afraid of my image breaking in the eyes of others but of my
self-image breaking in my own eyes, wanting to be stoic and strong
because this is the role I assigned for myself as a child per to my
circumstances.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that I don't have to be stoic and
strong.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that self-suppression is not
strength.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to be embarrassed about using the word “love”
as I judge love to be stupid, irrational, worthless and air-headed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that the feelings, actions and
motivations we compile under the word “love” - which differ from
definition to definition – can in fact be beneficial, supportive,
constructive, wise and worthwhile, and that it simply depends on how
I choose to define “love” for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to resent all concepts of love based on those that
define love to be possessive, addictive, exclusive, irresponsible and
a “mystery”, not realizing that this is not what “love” has
to be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to define love according to how it's portrayed in
the mainstream world through stories and images.
- redefining the word 'love' for myself:
- an act of good will considered upon what is the best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to define love as a bundle of feelings when in
fact love can only bear fruit when it is acted upon, not when it's
just felt.
“Love, love is a verb
love is a doing word
fearless on my breath”
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that simply breathing can be an act
of love.
I commit myself to explore the word
'love' and the concept of love in my daily living.
- I commit myself to use the word 'love' to work my way through the resentment I have built against it.
I commit myself to support myself
through my fear of exposement through breathing.
I commit myself to show myself
love/care by reminding myself to breathe.
Now that I see, realize and understand
that I am alive so that I could enjoy life with other living beings –
enjoyment here not only meaning positive feelings but all learning
experiences, be they more or less painful – I commit myself to take
chances with other beings and take “leaps of faith” by exposing
myself, thus showing and teaching myself that I have nothing to fear.
I commit myself to investigate my
reactions to perceived criticism when I take things personally to
lessen my fear of rejection/refusal.
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