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| Type "falling in love" into google image search, and you'll see just the other side of this coin. |
I have recently been walking through
the energetic experience many call “falling in love”. This has
been interesting, because even though I have gone through this
experience many times before, I have never before had awareness of
how the experience is created, and thus I have always been “swept
away” by it more or less.
First off, I am frightened about this
experience, because I fear it will warp my relationship to the person
the energy is directed towards. My experience so far has shown that
every experience of love eventually turns into an experience of hate.
I have ended up resenting every person I have “fallen in love”
with – and god dammit, I do not want to resent this person, or
anyone at all, I really don't want to create a relationship that is
doomed to become charged with underlying negativity and fall apart.
To build on the experience of “love” is to bring about the
polarity at some point, and it would be irresponsible of me to just
ignore it and “go with the flow”.
Secondly, I am a little overwhelmed by
the massive energy build-up that I've accumulated through feelings,
reactions, thoughts and imaginations. I can see the thoughts and
fantasies when they're here, and I have been trying to map them out
to see what need it is I am fulfilling in the thought/image. I
haven't been writing any of them down, and this has made it more
difficult to track what's going on. During my highest energy peaks
I've been trying to teach myself to channel and release the energy
and direct myself according to common sense, although here lies the
risk that I am suppressing myself, which is no good either.
I realize that this energy build-up has
already started many years ago when I have first met this person, and
that now the circumstances have simply been favourable for acting
upon it – I've thought to myself that I am “finally ready” to
face this person. In a way this is accurate. I've come to realize
that who I've believed the other to be is not in fact who he really
is, because the image I've had of him has been shattering when I have
changed my positioning within our interaction into one based on
self-honesty (occasionally I am still scared shitless and play along
with the usual social patterns on auto-pilot). So yes, in a way I
have been “ready” to see him as he is. I used to react to him
with a mixture of fear and awe, but with the image of him being
replaced with knowing him as a human being both the fear and the awe
have vanished. This hasn't decreased my affection, quite the opposite, it has simply brought me down to earth.
Having released those reactions, the
“love” aspect still remains. I can see that it's an accumulation
of energy that has been triggered in reactions I've had within our
interaction – many small moments of “oh!” turning into a
fucking fanfare. These reactions require precise mapping, because
right now they're still a blur to me.
- seeing him (wanting his presence / fear of not having his presence) –> fulfillment / unfulfillment
- touching him (wanting acceptance/attention / fear of rejection) –> gratification / disappointment
- discussing with him (wanting to succeed / fear of failure) – looking for signs of approval –> success / failure
- reacting to opportunities: when the circumstances are right, seeing a storyline that could be fulfilled –> choosing to want/resent the outcome –> creating anticipation –> blocking myself with tension
There are probably many others, but
these are the most basic ones I could find based on memory. I need to
start paying attention to these reactions when they occur – not to
suppress them (note to self) but to know myself and to direct myself
according to who I reveal myself to be. Fuck, I still have a big
issue with self-suppression, because on some level I still believe
that I “shouldn't feel like this” or that I most definitely
shouldn't act upon any of this. Some of the guilt aspects I have
worked my way through, but some remain.
I don't believe I should be too
hesitant, though. I can trust myself to see what I'm doing and if
nothing else, to carry responsibility for the consequences of my
actions, whatever they may be. I, like many others, fear making
mistakes above all, and I haven't yet solidified the fact that as
well as on other fields of life one learns through trial and error,
so does one learn in relationships as well. I've already done some of
the major mistakes and learned a lot, so I don't think I can fuck
this up that badly, lol.
Continuing with self-forgiveness and
with more mapping.
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