07012014
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| I misread "loneliest", lol - http://dallion.com/comics/ |
My partner left today to travel for a
few weeks. He has been living here in my apartment for about 3 weeks
and he will return for another few weeks before he returns to his
home country. Because I have lived alone for the past 4-5 years
having someone live with me has been a very interesting challenge,
and now that he is gone and I am alone again I am starting to notice
some peculiar things.
At first once he had left I started
noticing these little things I had learned to do under his influence
while he was here, which is when I just felt immense gratitude, even
though they were relatively small practical changes. Second, I tried
to glorify solitude by thinking of how cool it will be to have some
“me-time” and whatnot, without success however, which left me
sort of empty and unenergized.
Third, towards the end of the day, I
started paying attention to something we had on some level already
discussed with my partner. Because we have both been very solitary in
our living, we had both noticed that living with another person does
change the way one positions oneself to the “empty moments”: the
pauses in activity when one simply wonders about what to do next, how
one is feeling, etc. I have noticed that when he has been living here
I am more inclined to spend those “empty moments” being social,
by sharing my thoughts and experiences, by suggesting shared
activities or by reflecting out loud upon what I was doing. Having
another person present was like constantly looking into a mirror, as
everything I did was reflected on him and off him in various ways.
So when I was just now doing some house
work on my own, I noticed that in comparison to how these every-day
activities were with another, I appeared lifeless, joyless,
motionless – like a walking carcass, a shell of a living being. I
am not entirely sure whether this is just my inability to enjoy my
own company (or an expectation of entertainment?) - even though I am
not feeling emotionally down, just empty – or if my state of being
compares like this because life is actually best enjoyed when shared.
What if I don't want to live alone anymore? What if I'm just DONE
cherishing personal space? Whatcha say about that, Miss Seclusion?!
Due to practical reasons I might have
to live alone for some time yet, so I do need to find some way of
coping with it, even though the downsides are becoming more and more
accentuated as years go by. Arranging shared living, then again, is
at its core a practical task, and if I do decide that it would best
support my living to share housing with others, all I've got left is
to act upon that decision.
Self-forgiveness next; we'll see if
something else relating to this pops up by tomorrow.
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