Day 55: Hope is fear

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Here I am investigating a point that opened up as I examined the phrase "I hope we'll get back together" concerning relationships. I'll expand more on what I'm going through in my next post.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope/wish that we'd get back together, not realizing hope is a form of want/need/desire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there is something grand or beautiful about hope, not realizing it is too an act of dependency and abdicating one's responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the word hope with beautiful images, such as couples vowing for eternal love above all obstacles, or nations rising against their dictators.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within the picture of lovers triumphing over obstacles I state that love exists, that the obstacles are an “enemy” that needs to be “conquered”, that the relationship is “special” and “deserves” to exist, that the world is “evil” for keeping this “special” couple “meant for each other” apart, that the experience of victory is all that matters.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within the picture of nations rising against their dictators I state that the nation is a hero that acts on my behalf, that the dictators are an “enemy” that needs to be “conquered”, that things will be better as long as “the enemy” is slain with no regard to how it's actually done, that the experience of victory is all that matters.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize what structures these images of hope hold within themselves: separation, competition, delusion and irresponsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I hope I live as separation, competition, delusion and irresponsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I hope for a person to “come back to me” I live as separation (seeing him to have more power over the situation than me), competition (I wish to be chosen over everyone else), delusion (believing the world functions as images) and irresponsibility (not carrying my responsibility to direct the situation by placing the power to do so in the hands of the other).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize what I mean by “coming back to someone”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see images where another decides to “give in” to another's wishes and think this is “coming back to someone”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see images where another is holding all the control over the situation and may keep it all to himself if he so wishes, maybe “giving in” to my wishes or maybe not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as long as I live within hope I live as inequality and separation, because I then place all the directive power over the situation in the hands of another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself envision pictures where I have a secret motive all the time, trying to persuade another to “give in”, not realizing the secret motive in itself is causing the resistance for the other to “give in” in actual reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of this as a game where another holds back something the other wants, the other just circling around long enough to find the point where the point of “giving in” is triggered, not realizing this is not a game and that these are not the rules we play according to; that the other one is an individual person who might choose to not obey the rules.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stick to the images of this game because the thought of not being in a game where another is bound to give in at some point has been too fearsome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape the reality into these images of hope games.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize hope is to project oneself into the future and be blind to all the opportunities that are here to actually direct the situation and create one's future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize hope is fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize hope is to abdicate one's responsibility to direct one's life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that hope is fear because it is used as an escape of what is actually here by living as a want/need/desire of “something better”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize hope is to fear that which is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope for a “better future” as a nice image, not tackling the actual issues that are here in order to create that better future for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the images of hope will never come true as I see them, because images are two-dimensional and never completely compatible with the actual reality – when I bring 2D into 3D there will be a dimension I have not foreseen, and that is the actual reasons and consequences of the situation.

I commit myself to stop living as hope and to realize what I'm facing here in actuality.

I commit myself to work on the issues I'm walking here in order to create my future by standing as my own directive principle.

I commit myself to no longer escape into hope as images in my mind.

I commit myself, when and as I go into hopeful images, to stop and breathe and to remind myself hope is fear, irresponsibility and escapism. I commit myself to forgive myself for living as hope as fear, irresponsibility and escapism, continue breathing and release the experience, and proceed working on the issues that I'm facing here.

I commit myself to investigate the images of hope for more information on how to work on my issues and to write them down.

I commit myself to realize images are not real, but just a caricature of reality.

Day 54: Twenty years of silence

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I have discovered two new major points that intertwine so much that I'll now write about where I've gotten with both and continue separately depending on where I go from here.

I have been working my way back to being here for a while now. As I have been facing the fact that I am alone within my experience and that I will always be just me, I have been slowed down by the fear of being by myself / fear of loneliness. I've gone through this fear from the perspective that I actually do not have anything to fear in myself, which has been good to do, but I have missed something essential about the fear of loneliness. I realized it's the result of a lifetime of projecting myself onto others. I have lived outside of myself for my entire life, defining myself according to the people I'm surrounded by.

I realized this by testing out asking myself when with another person: “Who am I with this person?” instead of “Who is this person?”. The results were instant. I saw myself acting on autopilot all the time. When I asked myself “who am I here” I grew more aware of myself, my movements, my voice, my body as a whole – my being as a whole – for some short moments being actually in control of my movements without the mind in-between. Obviously I can't keep on asking this one question for my entire life and believe that to be a solution, but it is a step that takes me closer to stability.

So what I need to do with this point in addition to practical application is to go through my past major relationships, such as parents, siblings, partners, friends and teachers/mentors, to see how exactly I have projected myself and lived outside of myself through others. I have once had an opportunity to actually face this point: When my last long relationship ended a few years ago I was crushed by the fear of loneliness. Back then all of what I had been crumbled and I was in a state where I faced myself for the first time since childhood – but as I gave in to the experience of emotional pain I didn't go through with it completely and instead turned to spiritualism as escapism. Now I'm back at a similar point and have a chance of dealing with it properly. I see I'm living one big time loop and don't want to do that anymore.

The other major point I've been opening up is passiveness. I've received feedback for years about it: “You seem distant”, “you're a loner, aren't you”, “Emmi's such an independent woman”, “I wish you'd open up to me”, “please talk to me”, “I've always thought you're a kind of a hermit that doesn't want to be disturbed”, you know, being silent, secluded, solitary, mysterious and withdrawn. I've believed that's who I am. I've believed the mysterious loner persona to be my true self, that it is my “nature” to be silent.

I've now realized that is not the case. The thing is, I have for a long time believed that if I do not have an impulse to act – such as a desire or a need or a clear objective – there's no reason for me to act. Thus I have moved only when there's a clear goal for it, which has been quite rare. The rest of the time I have not moved and nothing has happened. I've created a personality to justify not moving: the “I don't care” or “I don't have to” personality.

I have not realized movement is just movement, that it happens for the sake of moving and doesn't require an energetic impulse. Thus I have not shared, expressed or communicated myself to others, because “I didn't have to” or “I didn't have a reason to”, not realizing what it actually is to share, express and communicate myself as I am. This personality has been a convenient place to hide and avoid facing my fears because no one has ever questioned it – it has been “who I am” in the eyes of others as well as mine.

I've been testing this in practice by facing customers at work. I have hated small-talk as I've perceived it to be talking useless shit just out of politeness, but I've realized those small conversations are not like that if I don't live them that way. So I've first worked with the first point I wrote about – who am I with this person – and then examined conversation as movement, which has led to some small and enjoyable conversations with customers. As I don't initiate the conversation out of fear but as pure movement, it doesn't become that pretended “niceness”.

I'll start out with some self-forgiveness and see where it takes me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become secluded by not sharing, expressing and communicating myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize all movement is self-expression - expressing who I am in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refrain from conversation because I have believed I have no reason to move myself, ending up just listening and not participating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not share, express and communicate myself as I have believed I have no reason to move myself if the movement has no clear goal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I require an energetic experience to move myself, not realizing that too serves a goal - to acquire what I desire and avoid what I fear – instead of being movement for the sake of movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize moving oneself for the sake of movement is enjoyable in itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise small-talk because of how I've experienced it both as a customer and a server, not realizing I have made those experiences uncomfortable for myself by succumbing to the fake politeness instead of fulfilling my part in the interaction by standing up and communicating within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am “by nature” silent, withdrawn and solitary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not moving by believing it is “who I am”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify nothing happening by blaming the world for it, not carrying my responsibility at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the connection between not moving and nothing happening.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when I have realised my lack of movement is a problem, to fall into self-blame, despair and powerlessness, not realising I could simply move myself out of the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise the solution to nothing happening is to move myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as the “I don't care” personality, not realizing the extent of the impact passiveness / not caring has on the world as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that sharing, expressing and communicating serves the single purpose of me living as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how much I've suppressed and limited myself by living as the “I don't care” personality.

I commit myself to further investigate how I move within my reality.

I commit myself to further investigate how I project myself onto others and live outside of myself.

I commit myself, when and as I project myself onto others, to breathe and return myself here and investigate how and why I projected myself away from myself.

I commit myself to investigate who I am with different people in different situations in order to locate what I'm accepting and allowing myself to live as.

I commit myself to further expand in writing what I discover as I investigate these points.

I commit myself to practice my breathing in order to return here and in time stabilize myself as my directive principle.

I commit myself to walk these points until they're done.

Day 53: Facing sadness

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Due to recent events there has been an emotional sensation I've identified as sadness in my chest since yesterday. I first noticed it in the evening and it continued on until I went to sleep – at some point it worsened and I had to talk some things through with myself in order to release some of it – and when I went to sleep I directed myself to consider these few hours of sleep as resting time, because that's what my body requires, and that I would continue dealing with my issues after I had taken care of my physical needs. I slept well and when I woke up the sensation was still there. Along the day the sensation moved as I processed the underlying points in my mind, its route being from the center of the chest to above my heart and into my entire left arm for a moment, returning to the center where it still is, although not as “big” as earlier. During the day I also noticed my body retreating into a slouching position where I could not feel the sensation anymore, but as I straightened my posture the sensation returned – an attempt to suppress the experience.

I know what's causing it so I simply stayed in breath, as I realized it is just a physical sensation, and that to go with it would be to succumb to the mind, which is something I've usually done in situations like this: allowed myself to fall. I also realized that all I can do is accept the fact that the sensation is there – that it is a sign of the underlying issues I haven't yet gone through, and that to try to get rid of it or ignore it would be to suppress the points that have stirred up. I decided that I would simply breathe and let the sensation be for as long as it takes for me to walk through and redirect the underlying points, that it will vanish when I am done, and that as long as it's there it serves as a reminder. I stand within and as myself as the experience moves within me.

As I was within this state where standing within myself consumed more energy than usual, I faced an interesting point when my work partner came to work. We have a habit of every morning asking each other how were doing, and I always try to answer as honestly as possible, and also tell him if I see he's lying – of which he's never offended, which I am grateful of. Now, this morning as I was facing this sensation of sadness, when I was on my way to the kitchen to greet him I anticipated the question “how are you” and went into panic. I knew that I had to hold on to my commitment to be honest with him – I simply have no choice now as there's no excuse I could make that would sound valid – and yet I had no idea how I would explain the difficulties I'm going through. The thought of having to voice my experience was overwhelming.

I walked into the situation anyway, determined to face the resistance. I had no time to plan any of it, which was just what I needed, as I've been planning situations as protection way too much. When he asked me how I'm doing I just stopped, not knowing how to move myself. I hesitated and said I'm facing some difficulties. He asked me to tell him more about it and I stopped again. He noticed I was really struggling with myself as I was trying to push through resistance but couldn't, and he was really supportive about it. I realized I need to go through the cause of this resistance before I can face him, and so I walked away from the kitchen and wrote. I did some self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sadness as I try to share my experience of difficulty with another, fearing their reaction would not be one of supporting me but supporting the system, not realizing it is not their responsibility to support me but mine, and that what I get out of sharing is not up to them but up to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the point of sharing is not to receive support from another but to support myself as I reflect my experience through others and cross-reference.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate what kind of support I will receive and plan what I share accordingly, not accepting and allowing myself to just share unplanned as who I am within that moment and allow the situation to move according to that.

After this I was able to face him and share what I was going through. At one point the sadness sensation in my chest suddenly grew and I was on the verge of tears, but as I returned myself to breath and stopped the experience, the overwhelmingness of the tearful experience just vanished. I did not note the exact experience (thought, word, image) that made the tears rise, which is too bad, because now I don't know what caused it – it is a sign that I'm not completely aligned with what I'm facing here – but I know I will come across it again.

Day 52: Equality and relationships, part 2

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This post is a continuation to:

Days 50-51: Equality and relationships, part 1

Part 2 – Choosing a partner

The relationship game teaches that choosing a partner is about looking for people that are “right” for us, “good” for us, on the “same level” with us, about looking for a person with whom the positive energy explosions would be to the maximum and negative ones to the minimum, not realizing it's not about that at all. I have not put thought into how I have chosen a partner as I have not really known what I have chosen them for as I have not understood what relationships are. I have been mainly following my feelings of attraction towards another, never questioning what attraction is or where it comes from. I still don't have an answer for that, but I now have a clearer view on what a relationship is as a relation between two subjects. Basically it's an agreement where people together agree on the purpose of the relationship and then live according to it. So choosing a partner is to choose someone with whom it is possible to together create a common fundamental, agree on it and live according to it. A simplified example would be that of a relationship between me and a shirt: I need something to keep my upper body warm and the purpose of a shirt is to do exactly that as it is cut and sewn that way, and so amidst a pile of clothes I pick a shirt instead of, say, a glove or a pair of pants. This is where I form a relationship where the alliance of two subjects serves a common goal. (Except that the shirt can't really speak for itself so I can't be sure, lol, but you get the point.)

One thing I have not realized before is how what I wrote about in part 1 about waiting around for a permission to explore relationships has affected the way I choose a partner. The thing is, I haven't really chosen anyone of them, not in the way I have believed. As I have waited around for someone to come to me and accept me and kept waiting around for years, building up desperation and frustration, when someone actually for the first time came up to me I took that chance without a second thought. “What, you're seriously up for this? Hell yeah, let's do it, where do I sign”, lol, you know, just completely diving head-in. As I've now backtraced my past relationships I've noticed I have done this every time. When being approached I have seized the chance to be in a relationship without considering whether the person is someone I'd choose if I had a choice, as I perceived myself to not have a choice. The desperation and fear of ending up alone have driven me to take up most opportunities even though I haven't really wanted to; not all of them though, as I did learn in time it was a bad idea. In some later cases I have even resisted being involved, but felt compelled to for reasons I could not explain and went with it anyway.

So this has lead me into situations where I have been involved with people half-heartedly. Not to say there was nothing good about those relationships, no, but as my starting point was always fear none of them would have been able to last. I now see and realize I do have a choice and I do have a say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create relationships I have known from the start or very early on that I do not want to be involved in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be in a relationship because the other one so suggests.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to disappoint another by refusing an offer to create a relationship as I have been afraid of their possible reaction as I would have then blamed myself for it.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the responsibility of the reactions of others is not mine even though I may have contributed to the situation that triggers them.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear another would react to my refusal with aggression. [There's something more behind my fear of aggression that relates to my father, but I have to go through that separately.]
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear another would react to my refusal with disappointment as their hopes and expectations are not met, believing myself to be the cause of another's suffering, not realizing one creates one's experience of suffering all by oneself as one builds up hopes and expectations.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for the self-caused suffering of others as I have seen somebody has to carry responsibility for the suffering.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a want/need/desire for a relationship as I have been curious about it but seen myself unable to simply go and try it as I've seen it to be something that is “out of my reach”, and thus because of the inner conflict of limiting my self-expression as curiosity create the want/need/desire as a response to the “lack” of that which I wanted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question my want/need/desire for a relationship and believe it to be valid as I saw everyone else doing it too, and thus accumulate it into a point where the fear of not getting what I want turned into aggression as frustration, desperation and blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a result of the accumulated emotion energy to accept another's offer to be involved in a relationship as a release of the accumulated energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize my starting point for most of my relationships has been to release the desire/fear energy I have been accumulating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as my starting point for a relationship has mostly been to release the accumulated energy and the release has always happened one way or another, I have never questioned my starting point or considered why I'm in a relationship at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question my starting point for creating a relationship as I always got the release I was looking for and believed the relationships ended because we were not “right” for each other, not realizing they were bound to end because of my (and the other's) starting point.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there to be “right” partners and “wrong” partners, not realizing a relationship as a commitment is possible with anyone as long as the starting point is clear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though my environment supports my starting point for relationships as a release of energy, it might still not be valid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question the way my environment creates and participates in relationships and live according to its example.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even when I had become aware of the relationship game and the fact that relationships are fucked up, I was still living according to the game, not seeing how I participated in creating the fuck-up and blaming the world for it instead of carrying responsibility myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as dishonesty and self-dishonesty as I have participated in a relationship I was not committed to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself and to another as an attempt to ignore my actual experience and force myself into becoming the image I wanted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting a person “slip” if I do not take the chance to create a relationship when it's being offered to me, believing that the person is somehow “special” and that I will regret letting him go in the future and that the chance offered is one-time only.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe another's offer for a relationship to be one-time only as I have perceived others alone to hold the power to make the offer instead of seeing myself as an equal initiator able to make an offer in the future if I am then willing to.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that as I refuse an offer I do “damage” that is “irreparable” and cause the chance to be one-time only, because the other one reacts to my refusal in a negative way and I perceive myself to have ”damaged” or “broken” something within the other / between us.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a “heart breaker” and feel sad about it after some occasions where I had to turn down some relationship proposals, not realizing that as I feel sad about the definition I state that I'm powerless to do anything about it and abdicate my responsibility over my self-created definition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will regret something in the future, not realizing I cannot possibly know what I face in the future and that if I experience regret it is of my own creation; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within the fear of regretting something in the future I fear the experience of regret as an uncomfortable sensation, and as I fear my own experience I refuse to see I create it and am responsible for it; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the fear of possible future regret is just an excuse/justification to hold on to something that would be uncomfortable to let go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the people who propose a relationship to be “special” and thus hold on to them, not realizing I perceive them that way because they have given me the acceptance/permission I have defined as “special”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the acceptance (permission to enter a relationship) as “special” because it was rare and something I perceived myself unable to do myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be separate from “the others” (potential mates) as I perceived them to have an “ability” (to initiate) I did not have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as self-abuse and self-neglect as I have ignored my actual experience and overridden it with what I wanted myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be interested in and committed to another person because I feared I would end up alone if I didn't take the opportunity that the other was offering me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I have tried to be interested in and committed to another in spite of my actual experience, which was to not see this to be a choice that would be in accordance with who I am, I have lived out a self-compromise not realizing a compromise is not a solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force myself to become something I'm not just to fit the image of a relationship I had created in my mind, not realizing that all the while I force myself I resist that which I'm trying to change into and that behind resistance there is a reason, valid or not, that needs to be examined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to become the image I have perceived others to see/want to see in me because I have feared not living up to what I perceived another to expect of me as I have feared they would then react and leave me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have chosen my partners fully aware of what I'm doing, not realizing I have actually just wanted to believe I was making rational choices while not actually knowing what it is to choose within awareness.

I commit myself to carry my responsibility over the choices I have made and will make, be they poorly or well considered.

I commit myself to no longer get involved in relationships I know from the start to not be in accordance with who I am and lead to compromise.

I commit myself to realize I am one and equal to everyone, whether we're involved in a relationship or not, as I now see and realize that as beings of Life and creation we are all one and equal as we are the same in essence.

I commit myself to realize we all have the same capacity for self-expression and that no action is out of my reach, excluding physical limitations.

I commit myself to no longer compromise myself in order to be that which I perceive to be expected of me, as I now see and realize I am then living according to images in my mind instead of living according to the physical.

I commit myself to no longer utilize relationships as a place solely for releasing energy.

Days 50-51: Equality and relationships, part 1

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I started to open up points regarding relationships, past and present, and realized that throughout my relationship history I can see one specific limitation: not seeing myself as one and equal to my partner. I will now for some days write about this point and its different dimensions, and that will require me to walk down a memory lane I have been avoiding for a long time.

Part 1 – Waiting for permission

As a child I learned the rules of the relationship game. The very first rule was that if there's someone I like, they either like me back or don't like me back, and that being liked back was a good thing and not being liked back was bad. Being refused didn't really mean anything because it didn't have consequences – whereas being liked back apparently did. What those consequences were I didn't find out, as that never “happened” to me (I never accepted and allowed that to happen), but as this game was played around me and others got “approved” into relationships I learned that one had to be accepted by another for a relationship to be created.

I have held onto this misconception ever since. I learned and believed that I have no control over creating a relationship; that another had to come to me and approve me. Thus I didn't act upon my interest towards others and waited around for someone to come and approve me, which never happened, and from this I concluded there must be something wrong with me as I perceived “everyone else” to be involved in relationships. In time this grew into bitterness and I blamed the world for not giving me access to relationships because there was something “wrong” with me, believing there to actually be something wrong with me, which is not true (and yes, this is still somehow news to me).

All this reflects into how I have gotten into relationships later in my life. As I have been choosing a partner for myself, I have followed the exact same pattern as I did as a child: have an energetic experience of liking someone; wait around to see if he notices; if not, be disappointed and find a new guy to like; if he does, follow him to see where this goes. As I wrote before I had no idea what relationships were actually about and expected the other to know better and lead me. This is pretty much how all of my relationships have started until I began to notice my passiveness leading nowhere and realized I cannot just wait around for all of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question my perception of how relationships are created as I have learned it as a child and believed it to be true.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there to be a separation of me and “the others” (potential mates) and that we had different rules to follow in the relationship game.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my passiveness by believing “the others” are the ones who have to act first according to what I learned the rules of the relationship game to be.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and not consider breaking the rules of the game as I have not known what I would then face and been afraid of the unknown, not trusting myself to handle it.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize there is no valid reason for me and “the others” to follow separate rules, as we are all one and same in essence, and that the actual “rules” of equal interaction are the same for everyone.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe “the others” as the people I took interest in to be separate from me, believing our experiences were different in essence.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize it is likely that everyone else was just as scared and confused as I was, and that the only difference between us was that some chose to act upon their experience and some didn't.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people either like or dislike each other and that there is no grey area in between.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is not possible to “like” everyone, the word “like” here meaning that one is able to be comfortably in the presence of everyone without experiencing energy as one is stable within oneself.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is justified to dislike people because I thought that you have to either like or dislike another, with no other options, because “that's the way it is”.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect either a positive (acceptance) or a negative (refusal) response from others, not realizing there doesn't have to be either one as we simply co-exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself from exploring relationships as I believed I have to wait around for a permission (acceptance from another).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my curiosity about this new interesting facet of life I wanted to explore but believed I couldn't because I had to wait for permission.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need a permission from the world (other people) to explore life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to not question the system of behavior where I need a permission from an authority to do things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to perceive everything “bigger” than me to be an authority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive “the others” as the ones who give acceptance to be an authority because they hold that power over me, not realizing the only acceptance I need is my own and that in that I am my only authority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn bitter as I saw the world to never give me that permission I was waiting around for and accumulate my suppressed curiosity into a desperate desire that turned into frustration as I did not know how to vent it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the world for not giving me the permission (another's acceptance/initiation) to explore relationships, believing the world to be the cause of my experience of frustration, not realizing I create it all by myself as I limit myself with imaginary boundaries and abdicate my responsibility over my experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the rules of the relationship game are imaginary and that the only rules that apply are those of self-authority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there was something wrong with me as I perceived the world to not give me the permission/acceptance I thought to be necessary and perceived everyone else to get.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is my fault that I'm not getting the permission/acceptance I desire – true and false, as the reason did lie within me, but as I did not have the tools to understand how the mind works and saw the world as pictures I started to believe the reason to be that which I saw of myself, which was my appearance and behavior as compared to others (the ones who got what I desired).

I commit myself to stop perceiving myself separate from others and to realize that the responsibility for creating and upholding all relationships lies with all those involved.

I commit myself to carry my responsibility over all the relation-ships I'm involved in as I now see and realize the responsibility lies equally with all those in relation to each other.

Day 49: SF on The director persona

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This post is a continuation to Days 43-45: The theatre scene, Days 46-47: Theatre personas and Day 48: The director persona.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not focus on the essential task of the director, which is to bring the audience's point of view to the actors, and instead believe all of the artistic planning and processing is also my task and mine alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the artistic process can be shared with all of the group according to the abilities of each.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not challenge the team by offering them more responsibility and a chance to be involved in the process as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire all of the artistic process for myself as I have perceived myself to be the best one to do it because no one else seemed interested in doing it, not realizing I never gave others a chance to show their interest as I claimed all tasks for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am “more capable” than others because I was interested and eager, not realizing I was evaluating others based on my experience; Because my experience of interest and eagerness felt so big to me and others weren't actively challenging that, I believed myself to be the only one who was interested and eager.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not offer the team enough chances to take responsibility as I have been afraid of losing my superiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to offer chances to take responsibility (as I knew that was something I was supposed to do) from the starting point of fear, as I was afraid someone would stand up and take responsibility and leave me with fewer chances to shine, not realizing that as I made these offers from a starting point of dishonesty I actually discouraged anyone to take up the offer as I presented it by speaking within/as fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse a team member's offers to take responsibility for a certain task as I have wanted to keep that task to myself, justifying it by saying “I'll do it, I've already started, I have enough time for it, I've got a vision for it” etc, not realizing I wasn't really concerned about the results but actually just wanted to feed my ego by performing my tasks as well as possible and receiving positive feedback.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the more responsibility I carry the more praise I'll get.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject the assistance of others as I have wanted to do everything by myself so I could create my vision perfectly and feel good about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to build my solitary vision on stage instead of creating something together with the team as I have not realized what the art of theatre and drama actually is. (drama = 'do, act', the art of action)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize theatre is about living, moving, breathing people acting as people, meeting as people, moving as people and that the art of drama (action) is created with and through the people on stage during the process, not within the head of the director before anyone goes on stage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the purpose of theatre to be to produce a show others can passively watch because that's the only kind of theatre I have done so far, not realizing the process is what's actually relevant as that is where the physical action is and that is where something new is actually created in the physical, thus limiting myself from utilizing the full potential of the group that has been working with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in and live as the director as an authority, believing it was justified for me to have more power than others, more knowledge than others and more responsibility than others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the director to be a more special task than the other tasks in theatre.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a director to justify keeping information from the team by believing some things (such as directing methods) need to be kept a secret from the group in order for them to function as puppets, not realizing I was actually keeping information to myself to keep myself in a special position where knowing more made me more, afraid the team would no longer respect me and my commands if they knew all I knew.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a director to justify having more power than others by believing decisions would never be made if everyone got to influence them, not realizing I was afraid of losing control of the project, which I wanted to be my solitary perfect masterpiece, and enjoyed the position of power because I finally felt like I was in control of something.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I enjoyed the position of power because it gave me the experience of being in control which I did not experience in my usual life.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control the project completely, not realizing I was so “high” on the experience of being in control that I did not want to share it with anyone as I was afraid of losing it.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have been enjoying directing because it gave me a chance to simulate the experience I was lacking in my usual life.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I have been escaping my experience of powerlessness into the staged situation and position of directing a play.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the power of a director is all imagined and mutually agreed on and that the power I experience is not actually real as anyone could at any moment simply stop being directed by me.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize power is not taken but given.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a director to justify carrying more responsibility than others by believing it is a part of my task and that I “have to” do it, not realizing I have been holding on to all of the responsibility believing it to make me more than others and that when I carry all that responsibility I will be respected and appreciated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am overworked because of all the responsibility I have agreed to carry, not realizing I was secretly enjoying being stressed and overworked because the big workload gave me the experience of “being worthy” as I then didn't feel as meaningless as in my usual life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to complain about being overworked and stressed, not realizing I was secretly enjoying being able to paint an image of myself to myself and others where I was responsible, hard-working, worthy and meaningful as I had a lot of tasks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have to work and stress a lot to be meaningful and live out the image of working hard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe work and stress are inseparably connected, not realizing one doesn't have to stress even though one works “a lot”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe an actor is “crossing the line” if they question my “vision”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the “vision” of an artist is in a “holy” position and should not be touched.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as another questions my vision and I react by ordering them back in line, I actually fear that my vision is not good enough and I will be exposed as one who is “unable” to direct properly (is not enough), as I was afraid to face myself as a novice director who might not have all the answers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not admit to myself that I knew nothing of directing but insisted on the belief that I knew what I was doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to retreat into my director persona whenever I made a mistake because I did not want to face myself as someone who makes mistakes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have been directing as myself as I have thought I “come to life” when I direct, not realizing it has been the persona as energy that I have interpreted to be “myself” as “life”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I can be all the things that have been constructive, positive and fun about the director character (expressiveness, movement, getting things done, supporting and assisting others) without the character if I stand within and as myself as breath and self-honesty, knowing myself as I actually am.

I commit myself to investigate the position of a director by standing within and as myself one and equal to all members of the group as I now see and realize all authority ceases to exist as I stop believing in it.

I commit myself to support and assist myself to face the fears that I have been hiding from behind the director persona in practice when and as I direct a group.

I commit myself to communicate my fears concerning the directing situation with the group I direct.

I commit myself to realize there is much I don't know about directing as I haven't done much of it yet, and I commit myself, when I do not know or understand, to ask, study and investigate.

I commit myself, when and as I go into the director persona, to stop, breathe and observe what's happening within my body as energy, and to remind myself this experience is unnecessary and can be let go within and as breath.

I commit myself to study and investigate the role of art and artists in this world we have created in order to see what it actually serves and if it can be utilized for that which is best for all.

--

As I now write I'm starting to realize how the director persona became a manifestation of every point I was not dealing with back when I started directing. It is a period of time that's like a big black chunk of molten junk within my memory that I know I need to start going through but can't figure out where to begin, and writing out this piece of that era has started to open it up a bit. I'll see where I get from here.

Day 48: The director persona

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This is a continuation to Days 43-45: The theatre scene and Days 46-47: Theatre personas

The task of a theatre director is essentially to look at the play from the audience's point of view and be the source of feedback for actors as they cannot see the play as a whole as they are immersed in it themselves. So basically the task of a director is no more special than that of an actor, a costumer, a stagehand or any other task in any profession. Thus the group could actually work as oneness and equality by utilizing democratic decision making, as the tasks of everyone hold the exact same value, but this is not how it's currently being done. I don't yet know enough about the history of theatre, group management or leadership to know whether it has always been like this or not – has the position of leadership ever been just a task among others?

Within the theatre scene directors are given the position of godlike authority. I was told last weekend that “theatre is a dictature within democracy: everyone gets a say but only one makes decisions”. As the task of a director is now considered way broader than it's essential purpose – consisting of all background work as studying and investigating, planning, envisioning, setting artistic goals – the director also “gets to” decide everything that concerns the artistic values of the project. Usually there's a producer to deal with the bureaucracy so that the director could focus on the art itself. In traditional theatre it is not so much about the actors and director working as an equal team – the director is a puppeteer pulling on strings and the actors simply follow. A process that could be walked as a group becomes an ego circus of one.

Created as I described above I see art to have no purpose. Art does have a potential to affect people and assist us in our process of change, but it only reaches its full potential when one gets to practice it oneself. Just by passively viewing theatre one will never really grasp what it is that's being said – so if a play is made which the viewers get nothing out of but momentary energy and the team gets nothing out of as they do not fully participate in the creation process, who is it that wins in this situation? Absolutely no one. I see authoritative director-lead theatre in its traditional form to serve no purpose as the team is taught they should not “intervene” in the director's “creative process” (= ego).

I have directed two plays and been a second director in about two or three projects. When I began directing my first play I was terrified: At the age of 19 I was stepping into the shoes of my long-time mentor as she had to step aside because of her studies, and I was about to start directing the same people I had acted with for years, stepping off the stage to face the familiar people from a new standing and status. I remember being afraid I would not be listened to: that the group would not recognize me as an authority as we had been in an equal position before. I had very little knowledge of directing even though I had been acting for a long time and knew the basics of theatre inside-out, and concerning directing I had no idea what I was getting into and that was like a leap into a black hole, which I could not have done with strange actors. I was also very aware of the responsibility on my shoulders: no matter what I had to make sure this play gets finished because it was essential to the survival of our small and poor theatre. Another thing was the fear of screwing up as I knew this chance was an exceptional sign of trust from my mentor and the others leading our theatre back then.

So what I did amongst all this fear of failure was to make a plan and take a very clear course. In our first meeting with the group I made it clear I will be doing things my way and that as a director I would not be like what we were used to. When I look at it now my starting point was somehow very constructive, as I had noticed what was lacking in directing before and decided to bring more of that into my own methods, but I failed to see I do not need authority to be able to direct. I clung onto the position of authority because I was afraid I'd be torn down – my self-judgement was horribly abusive and active back then and I was afraid to put myself into a position where I would be utterly alone and vulnerable to all feedback and the one who carries all of the responsibility: If an actor fails, it is because I have been a lousy director. I did not question this position and tradition where the director carries the responsibility of the entire team.

So in time I developed a shell for myself so I wouldn't have to be so scared and exposed: I created a director persona under which I was “safe” and immune to all failure. The persona was confident, expressive, straightforward, bold, authoritative, very strict, mysterious – and also secluded, restless and sometimes uncreative as I limited myself from being myself. I used this extroverted persona to escape situations where I would have had to give in, admit I'd failed or expose my shortcomings and within those situations made myself completely unable to move myself. So for a large portion of time I have been a very poor director as I have been trapped by fear and haven't realized what the task of the director in essence actually is.

Yesterday a friend talked to me about her experience when directing different types of groups, and she described a group of children in rehabilitation where she had to as a director set aside all artistic goals, visions, wants, needs and desires and consider only that which would support and assist each child in whatever it is they were processing – in that situation a director is someone who points participants to a helpful direction, not someone who shoves them wherever he/she pleases as the ego. That is where I see the potential of theatre to perhaps reside: what is theatre without the ego?

Self-forgiveness tomorrow.