Days 281-283: Succumbing to circumstances

27, 30-31072013

I hate feeling stuck. Because of a many factors in my circumstances I have been falling into a passive state of standing still, lying limp as a carcass, waiting, waiting, waiting around for things to change around me because, apparently, things around me are required to change before anything can happen, before anything can change, before I can move. I hate this state of being because it reminds me of death – it is death – a portrayal of death in flesh, a mockery of the life running through my veins.

On a smaller scale I got stuck today while the company I was in did not offer any possible activities for me to take part in. On a bit of a larger scale I've been stuck ever since arriving to Australia because it is impossible to see the country without a car. On a slightly larger scale I was stuck most of my stay in Vanuatu. On a large scale I have been stuck for all of this trip as I have simply been waiting for my schooling to begin once the trip is over – it's like I'm here just to kill time. All these precious moments of LIFE slipping through my fingers and running to a drain like mercury, because I believe that life is waiting for me somewhere in the future, and that life will take me along with it – not realizing that life is HERE all along and that it is something I have to create, I have to mold with my own hands, because nobody is going to breathe for me, nobody is going to move for me, nobody is going to grow for me – I am the creator of my own life. I may not be the one who gave me life, but it is now placed in my hands, as is the responsibility and freedom to have my way with it.

Note: This SF first goes through a specific event and then moves onto a larger scale.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated when the people in my company were focusing on their own activities and did not make effort to include me in them, feeling neglected and ignored and thinking that now that I am here it is a “special occasion” which these people ought to “respect” by doing stuff with me and not without me – not realizing that I was reacting to the expectations I had built around the situation by getting disappointed and then blaming my disappointment on others when in fact I was responsible for the scenario I had created in my mind and for its consequences in my emotional state.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to create an enjoyable experience for me because of unvoiced expectations of how things “should be” done when people host guests, not realizing that I was abdicating my responsibility to create my own experience and instead passively waiting around for others to make my experience enjoyable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated when my company did not include me in their activities because when I looked at my situation through my disappointment I saw myself powerless to direct the situation so that I would have an enjoyable time regardless of my unexpected circumstances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that despite my company not including me in their activities I had many options on what to do - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make myself blind to seeing all the opportunities available to me by judging all possibilities as “not good enough” as compared to what I had expected the situation to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to my expectation of what the situation “ought to” have been and compare all other possibilities to this original scenario where things would have been “perfect”, thus making all other available options appear as less enjoyable/worthwhile as they would have actually been.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel dissatisfied with the activities I chose to do because I was still holding on to my original ideal scenario and hoped that some of it would maybe happen if the people in my company suddenly magically realized that it was a special occasion, gave up on their activities and instead decided to do something that included me as well – not realizing that as I did not in any way communicate my wish to socialize with these people there is no way they could have known for certain what I would like to do, and that thus I did not carry my responsibility of the situation as I expected others to guess what I was experiencing without any of my own input.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate expressing my point of view of this being a situation that presents opportunities that will not be present any time soon again because I feared being judged, attacked, ridiculed and/or ignored – I feared confirmation of what I was already guessing the others to think of me (“I am irrelevant”).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the others focusing on their own activities was an expression of their disinterest towards me – not realizing that it might just as well have been unsuppressed self-expression or passion (or a myriad of other things) and thus nothing personal towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when others in my company chose to do things I was not involved in and had no possibility of being involved in, not realizing that this was nothing personal towards me but an expression of who the others were in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto my expectation of how things “should have” been through the idea of “unfairness” as I judged the choice that the others made in not including me in their activities to be a “bad choice” as it was a choice I would not have made and did not find agreeable or justifiable – not realizing that by judging the others I refused to see and sympathize with (see in myself) the real reasons behind their choices and thus disabled myself from finding a real solution to the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not address the ideal scenario I had created in my mind about the situation before I was there in order to prevent all of this disappointment, frustration, dissatisfaction and spite as I did not question the ideal scenario on any level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see it justifiable to expect for a fun, sociable, loud and playful gathering full of laughter and talk without taking into consideration who is going to be there, not realizing that a social situation consists of the combined self-expression of those that are present and thus will not be the same with every different compilation of people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for a night of fun to compensate for the dull, boring, repetitive, stagnant and meaningless experiences I have had recently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect for a sociable event to be enjoyable in a specific way, not realizing that there are as many ways for a sociable situation to be enjoyable as there are different combinations of people – which is an innumerable amount.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see it justifiable to seek for an escape from my recent stagnation through other people and thus not question my expectations for this particular event I saw to be my “savior”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the solution to my stagnation is not in escapism and entertainment but in me “taking the wheel” of my own life – directing myself out of activities that bear no fruit and into those that do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my limiting circumstances bring me down and give up because getting myself up and active has felt like too much of an effort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I am helpless at the face of my limiting circumstances and to thus justify becoming passive and doing nothing of relevance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my limiting circumstances as an excuse not to do shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the circumstances I am in are always in one way or another limiting as all the things in the existence are not available in each and every moment of time and space, and that the challenge is to make the very best out of each and every moment as it truly is – and that using the “limitations” of my circumstances as an excuse not to do things is just utter bullshit when and as I am motivated by laziness and thus am not making a clear assessment of the situation and the possibilities at hand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate and assess my circumstances “with eyes unclouded” - with the purpose of finding the solution that is the best for all - and that I have instead filtered my view on reality through the purpose of remaining safe and sound within my comfort zone unstirred, still, soulless and dead.

I commit myself to assess my actions, activities and choices throughout the remainder of my trip by asking myself: “what is the point of this?” or “what is the fruit?” - and, after a thorough and self-honest investigation, I commit myself to direct my actions, activities and choices according to that which is the best for all.

I commit myself to live out the commitment above with the intention of carrying it on to my “normal life” after the trip.

When and as I see myself using my circumstances as an excuse to do or to not do something – in other words, using the external reality as a reason instead of looking at myself – I stop, I breathe and I realize I am using my interpretation of the reality as an excuse not to get uncomfortable. I realize that I am “clouding my vision” from seeing the real possibilities of a situation because I have a hidden agenda to stay within my comfort zone – I have already made up my mind. I face myself in self-honesty and investigate why I truly do not want to leave my comfort zone. I utilize self-forgiveness to release the point. I then re-assess my situation with absolute diligence, accepting and allowing no uncertainty considering each and every possibility/opportunity in the current moment. I make a choice based on self-honest self-expression.

When and as I see myself thinking “I can't, because...” / “Emmä voi, ku...” I stop, I breathe and I ask myself whether this is actually true. I ask myself: “what do I fear/desire?” and I look at my motives within and as self-honesty. I re-assess my situation and, if I see it to be necessary, I do the exact thing that I was previously trying to avoid within and as the realization that growth only happens outside my comfort zone.